If Rachel McAdams had teamed up with Keanu Reeves back in 2015, the world couldve taken a completely different trajectory :(
If Rachel McAdams had teamed up with Keanu Reeves back in 2015, the world could've taken a completely different trajectory :( Rich Polk / Getty Images Entertainment

HELLO friends, enemies, and people I'm ambivalent about, and welcome to another edition of THE TRASH REPORT, where I frolic through the latest in news and gossip and old banana peels (or whatever), and then share them with you, adding some fun commentary where appropriate (everywhere.)

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Holding hands Thelma-and-Louise-style into the canyon: Let's go.

In Local NO DOI

The Multnomah County District Attorney's office has announced that they are going to start going after employers who repeatedly withhold wages (a.k.a. steal) from their employees and like, what the hell, they weren't already doing that?!?!

And 82nd Avenue has been turned over to the city's purview, which should make it safer for motorists and pedestrians, and hopefully encourages all of us to spend more time there enjoying a dozen businesses that tie for the best pho in Portland. (This is not trash news, merely a PSA: go to 82nd. Eat pho.)

Almost-Naked Guy Has Thighs on the Prize

A Connecticut "ultra-athlete" recently toppled the record for climbing up and then skiing down Mt. Hood, and he did it in nothing but short shorts, which is honestly the only reason I opened the article. Jason Kuenzle said that his body "puts out an enormous amount of heat" and being mostly naked is the only way to stay cool enough, which clearly was an effective strategy, because he went up and down the mountain in a mere 76 minutes! I hope other athletes are encouraged by Kuenzle's example, as my interest in sports seems to increase relative to clothing decreasing.

Is Portland Over?

Our own Alex Zielinksi scooped a scoop and oh boy:

That KOIN article goes off on how to fix Portland's "tarnished reputation" (nobody asked them), but I say: Let it tarnish! This place is crowded enough as it is.

Speaking of doing work, do you have 2.7 million dollars and an eye for torture? This gorgeous old church on Cesar Chavez near Hawthorne is on the market! From the pics it looks like it could be a great community center or art space, and... wow, look... it even comes with a giant human body grinder and a haunted ladder for all the ghost children to play with:

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Everything in This Update Is IMPORTANT

Rachel McAdams is currently on the road promoting Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret, the film adaptation of a book that taught me everything I know about how bulky and weird menstrual products used to be. (Belts?!?!) McAdams will be playing Margaret's mom and her presence makes me feel cautiously optimistic that the movie won't damage the still-awkward and embarrassing feelings I cherished from the book, and that a new generation of girls will learn the boob chant. From this same post I learned that McAdams was initially supposed to star in The Passenger with Keanu Reeves and how charming would that movie have been instead of the extremely 2016 casting of Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence?

Less Important, by a Lot

Megan Fox recently divulged that she and fiancé Machine Gun Kelly will occasionally drink a few drops of each other's blood "for ritual purposes only." The ritual being, of course, getting a bunch of people to talk about them for a few more days. Zing!

We're All Sick of Hearing About the Slap

And that includes Chris Rock! He's so sick of it, in fact, that he has taken to wearing headphones around to avoid being asked about it. I also wear headphones around to avoid getting asked stuff, but for me it's mostly at work and the question is usually "Is there more paper for the printer?" because the answer is always: yes, it's next to the printer.

You Know What Else We're Sick Of?

All discourse surrounding the man who tried and failed to make miniature submarines to save the children from the Thai cave, that's what. He's going on my list of peoples non grata for this column, so I hope you enjoyed that picture I shared a couple weeks ago of his original hairline. Anyway, Twitter has been a cesspool, all signs point to it getting much worse, and this is where I am on the pain scale:

Hear, hear! Well, that brings us to the end of this week's bit and I'd like to thank all of you for joining me. Until next time, please keep your ghosts close and your vials of C-list celebrity blood closer. Bye!

Love,

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