Oh, I didnt see you standing there, and I dont want your attention AT ALL is what Julia Fox (left) likely said here. AZiah King (right) is perfect and we have no complaints.
"Oh, I didn't see you standing there, and I don't want your attention AT ALL" is what Julia Fox (left) likely said here. A'Ziah (right) King is perfect and we have no complaints. Rodin Eckenroth/Getty Images

Hi everyone, and welcome to another edition of The Trash Report! They say sunlight is the best disinfectant and—boy oh boy—have we needed it. The human world? It's a mess. And I love mess! So let's dig in!

What Have You Done With Your Life?

Congratulations are in order for Wisconsin man Donald Gorske, who set a new Guinness World Record for Most Big Macs Consumed in a Lifetime. Gorske has eaten over 32,000 Big Macs—32,000! According to Guinness World Records, Gorske started eating Big Macs in 1972, and he's had one or two a day—every day—ever since, with only 8 days off in that entire time. Wow!

So, I have this theory that Gorske got some bad news back in '72 and thought he was gonna die. He figured he'd just go hard with Big Macs until that inevitable day, but then was miraculously cured! But by that point, he'd committed to the whole Big Mac personality. And that's why there's now a sign outside of the Fond du Lac, Wisconsin McDonald's that reads "Congrats Don on 50 years of Macs," and also why, when he's by himself, Don cries about where his life has taken him. Just my theory.

Freedom for Fyre Festival Fraudster

Congratulations are also in order for Fyre Festival inverse-genius Billy McFarland, who was just booted from the clink with two years left on his 6-year sentence for fraud—and some truly legendary poor planning. It's too bad white collar criminals get leniency, but I'm glad that McFarland is out because there seems to be some epic financial grifting happening these days. And it's just not fair for McFarland to be left out of all the fraud. I eagerly await upcoming documentaries about McFarland's future frauds, and all the interviews he'll give about committing the fraud. I will watch Every. Single. One. Unless the next one is an NFT, which it probably will be. Shit.


Cubes vs. Dragons: Who Ya Got?

The housing crisis is real and so are the real estate pinches across the country. But Portland's pinch hits different—and not in a good way. For $850,000 in this city, you can buy a soulless cube filled with a bunch of black and gray rectangles. That same $850,000 in Baltimore can buy a townhouse with freaking DRAGON STAIRS:

I love it here, but I hate it here, you know?

Neil Patrick Embarrass

Opposite congratulations are in order for Neil Patrick Harris, after a picture from a 2011 party surfaced online from when he—oh god, this is so awful—had a charcuterie board made to look like the corpse of Amy Winehouse. Harris is commonly known by his initials NPH, but from now on those letters will stand for Not 'Propriate Homage.

Women Wear Things, Are Criticized

Self-proclaimed muse Julia Fox is passionate about getting us to talk about her, even if stirring that pot calls for a grocery shopping in underwear and denim boots (joots.) And you know what? Good for her. YOLO. What's interesting though, is the chatter about this stunt was limited to some variation of "what the hell?" and not self-proclaimed health experts opining, based on the amount of her skin that was visible. They only do that for women who aren't white and skinny:

Speaking of which, congratulations to musician and model, Yumi Nu, who absolutely NAILED this Sports Illustrated cover, and made Jordan Peterson cry, all in one week. Always good to remember that while Peterson is a clinical psychologist in Canada, he is not a medical doctor anywhere.

Okay, I've gotta go cut the legs off of all of my pants to make men mad. Take care, and I'll meet you back at the dumpster this time next week.

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The 4th annual Portland Sketch Comedy Festival
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