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Savage Love: Fast and Furious

Joe Newton

I’m a straight guy but my whole life I have wanted to be spanked by older men. Does this make any sense? Because I’m confused. I don't like or want penis. Yet I want to be spanked as a punishment by men. I don't understand myself sometimes.

Sincerely Pondering And Not Knowing

The truly important question here isn’t why you want this, SPANK, but how much more time you’re gonna waste sitting on your ass wondering why you want this when you could be out there getting that ass spanked? And even if you came up with a neat and tidy answer, you’re still gonna want older men to spank you. Because getting to the bottom of a kink—identifying some childhood trauma that explains everything—isn’t a cure. Instead of seeing the spankings you want as a riddle you need to solve you should see them as a reward for all the wondering you’ve had to do. If you need a label, SPANK, just say you’re bisexual for spankings. Not bi for blowjobs, not bi for anal, not bi for JO or mutual masturbation. Just bi for spankings.

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Savage Love: Hard for the Money

Joe Newton

I’m a gay man in his forties. I very much love my husband but two years ago we acknowledged that our desire for each other sexually just wasn’t there anymore. Thanks in part to reading your column for many years, we were able to have a calm conversation about whether we wanted to remain together in a companionate marriage or split up. We decided to stay together and I’m glad we did. Sex was the thing we fought about most, and our relationship improved when we took that conflict off the table. My husband has a couple of fuckbuddies that he sees while I do most of my playing online. (We had this conversation at the start of the pandemic and playing online feels safer.) One of things I’ve been able to explore in the last year is FinDom. I really get off on sending money that we can spare to younger, hotter guys and being degraded for my pains. Thing is, almost all the guys doing FinDom are straight. It’s often a part of their persona they play up: they’re hot straight guys demanding cash tributes from “pathetic fags” that they would never touch in real life. As much as I like having my wallet drained by a hot young straight guy calling me a fag, I would so much rather give my money to a hot and dominant young gay man. Why do so few gay young men get into this? Do young gay men realize how much money they’re leaving on the table? Could you please tell them?

Chances Are Some Hot FinDoms Are Gay

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Savage Love: Vaxxed and Confused

Joe Newton

My boyfriend is male, I am female, and we’ve been together almost three years. We live alone in separate homes, but spend about three or four nights a week together. We're both fully vaxxed and boosted, and we mask in public, etc. On the Monday before Christmas, I started feeling mild symptoms but tested negative. My boyfriend felt fine, and we spent a few nights together that week. On the morning of Christmas Eve, I take a second at-home test and it’s positive. So, I cancelled plans to see a friend that afternoon and spoke to my boyfriend. Our Christmas Eve plans involved dinner with some of his family members. An hour later he calls and says he tested negative and that he thinks the best thing would be for me to isolate alone on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. He was still planning to go see his family. I burst into tears. He'd already been exposed and if his foremost concern was protecting his family, the logical thing to do would be to minimize contact with them, not me. I couldn't believe he was going to leave me at home alone over Christmas when we'd already had so much close contact that week. And he knows that spending holidays together as a couple is important to me! He called me back, we argued, and then he offered to have me come over to his house to sleep in the guestroom. Once I'm there, he changes his mind, and we wind up sharing his bed. The next morning, I want to clear the air and he tells me that he was angry about my behavior. He thinks I was being selfish and risked further exposing him. I am really confused and hurt by the way everything has unfolded. Which one of us is being an asshole here?

Flamingly Upset Couple Knows Conflict Over Virus Is Dumb

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Savage Love: Committed

Joe Newton

I've been in a committed relationship for ten years—committed because my boyfriend wants it that way. I'd be fine with an open relationship and have asked about it. He's made it quite clear that he thinks it's “wrong.” I'm almost never at his apartment. He doesn't invite me, and my place is a lot more comfortable anyway. His place never looks “lived in.” Everything must be tidy and “just so.” Bed made, bathroom spotless, no socks on the floor. Generally, we spend weekends together, and that's it. He also refuses to bottom for me or even let me finger him, but he likes it when I come on his ass. In general, he hasn't been very horny for me the last few years. Anyway, due to a combination of factors (COVID, construction, etc.), I've been working at his apartment for a few days. In the coat closet, where he keeps all his supplies, there's a big bottle of Wet lube and an economy-sized box of Fleet enemas. What's a guy to think?

Frustrated in Brooklyn

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Savage Love: Outward Bound

Joe Newton

I’m extremely kinky, with an emphasis on extreme. To give an example, I love long-term and extremely restrictive bondage. Think full-body casts or getting locked up for an entire weekend. I’m a 32-year-old straight male who has been married for five years. In the last year we opened up our marriage because my sexual desires were putting too much of a strain on the marriage. My wife is incredible, and we do many wonderful kinky things together, but I needed more. More frequency, more intensity. Since then, I've seen some other women but looking around I came to the realization that gay men have all the fun! I often see these incredibly intense sexual experiences that I so desire in amateur gay porn or on various gay men’s fetish profiles. I think men have a higher propensity to pursue these kinds of things. I've been talking to a guy who shares a very similar set of kinks, and it's been great. He showed me Recon, which has opened a whole new world up to me. I'm struggling right now. It's like a battle between my identity as a kinkster/fetishist and my identity as straight. I think the former is going to win, but certain things concern me. I don't know if I'll feel repulsed to have, say, a dick in my mouth. And I don't want the poor guy that I play with to have to deal with my own internal psychological drama. I grew up in a very rural area that was extremely homophobic. I was bullied and called a faggot constantly. I've just recently been feeling less shame about being kinky and now there's this whole other level of shame that I am scared to contend with. Am I silly for considering doing stuff with men even though I'm a lot more attracted to women, just in order to fulfill these kinks?

Brooding Over Unmet Needs Daily

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Savage Love: Quickies

Joe Newton

My wife and I are in a great ENM marriage. We have two couples that we are friends with and get together regularly for sex, and we each pursue solo FWB relationships. During Covid, we started posting pictures on Reddit, which were well received. This morphed into my wife starting an OnlyFans account because why not? So, at what point do we spill the beans to our FWBs? We don't show our faces on OnlyFans, we use fake names, and we only post content made with people that know it's going up on OnlyFans. Is this just “our secret” and doesn't hurt anyone, so, who cares? Or do our FWBs have a right to know?

Posting Intimate Content

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Savage Love: ShareAbortionPill.Info

Joe Newton

I’m a fan from Italy, so please excuse my English. I’ve been in a hetero relationship with my boyfriend for seven years, we’re both around 30, and we love each other and blah blah blah. Sex is very good but quite standard since we have no particular kinks or fetishes. I always reach orgasm before penetration, but only with fingering. It turns me on when he goes down on me, but it doesn’t “do the trick.” After I come, I feel something is missing if we don’t have penetrative sex that ends with him coming inside me. But because that part isn’t a lot of fun for me—being penetrated doesn’t make me come, and I’m being penetrated after I come—I usually urge him to come quickly, which is a bit frustrating for him. Is it weird that I need this kind of “closure” to sex? Is it weird that I want him coming inside me under these conditions? Where does this need come from? I’m sure you’ll have a great answer!

Weird Orgasmic Needs Defy Easy Rationales

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Savage Love: Past Tense

Joe Newton

So, my husband (42-year-old straight male) and I (38-year-old bi female) have had a closed relationship so far, but we have an active fantasy life. We've been together for about four years, and we both had our fair share of partners (casual and serious) before that. We like to talk about fantasies involving other people during sex, be they actual (past partners) or imagined (my beautiful surfing instructor on a trip). Once while he ate my pussy, I asked him about all the pussies he's enjoyed in the past and he brought up one of his exes—a relationship that ended ten years before we met—and he said he sometimes thought about her when he went down on and/or fucked subsequent partners, including me. This turned me on. A lot. I started bringing her up every now and then while we fucked, I asked him more about her, I fantasized about meeting her and eating the pussy he enjoyed so much. Like other past partners, she became part of the mental/verbal porn reel we sometimes enjoy during sex.

Then one day, in an unrelated conversation, it came out that he'd been engaged to her, that the reason they broke up was because they couldn't make a long-distance relationship work after he moved to the country where we live, and that it took him years to get over her. This killed it for me. Not only that, but I also now feel weird about all of the times we fantasized about her in the past. It's not like he did anything wrong—I never specifically asked how serious the relationship was or why it ended—but I can't shake the irrational feeling there was an omission. I sometimes think about past experiences during masturbation or sex, but never about serious partners—never about men I've lived with, been married to, or had a child with. Those experiences are too emotionally loaded to mix in with my current sex life in a healthy, detached way. I know my husband may process/feel things differently, but I can't help but equate what he was doing to me fantasizing about my ex-husband during sex, which I haven’t done and would feel weird as fuck even contemplating. I don't see her as a threat—they're not in touch and she lives in another hemisphere—and I believe him when he says he has no significant baggage about any of his exes, including her. But knowing she was one of the most significant relationships in his life makes fantasizing about her—out loud, with me—feel “off.” I don't just have this feeling just about her now, but about his past overall. How do I shake this? Thoughts?

Turned On Turns Into Turn Off

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Savage Love: Get Out

Joe Newton

I have a friend who is a trans man. Recently he just got out of a shitty relationship. His ex suddenly lost interest in him and wouldn’t work with him on fixing it. He’s heartbroken. He told me women often reject him once they find out he is trans and he’s tired of endless rejections. We met in the college town where he still lives, but our entire friend circle (including me) has moved away. Even without the trans part, it’s not easy to be a 30-something single man in a liberal college town. He’s convinced he’s doomed to be alone. I don’t want to be dismissive about his experience as a trans person (I’m a cis woman), but I keep trying to walk the fine line of encouraging my friend to reach out, meet people through community events, volunteering, etc. He also mentioned to me that people our age (thirties) are more transphobic than younger people, but he doesn’t want to be the kind of 30-something perv who dates people in their twenties. My heart aches for my friend. Do you have any advice for him to make more friends and/or find a new romantic partner?

Friend Really In Extreme Distress

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Savage Love: Short Shorts

Joe Newton

I have a fun little labeling question. I’m a non-binary person who was assigned male at birth (AMAB). I gravitate towards femininity in life and in love. My question is about the inclusiveness of the label “lesbian.” Is this a label only for women? Or is it inclusive of everyone who is feminine and is attracted to femininity? My goal is to label myself appropriately without infringing on others.

All Loves Labeled Inclusively

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Savage Love: Backlot Access

Joe Newton

I'm a 44-year-old gay male and I've never been in a serious relationship. I would like to find my way into an LTR, but I have a series of overlapping dating issues that I don't know how to navigate.

First, due to my career, I move around a lot, and often don't see the point in dating when I know I am going to be moving again; I have another potential move on the horizon in six months. Second, I find online dating apps to be awful. I have encountered more ghosts on apps than I did in the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland. Last year one date I arranged through an app turned out to be the setup for either a mugging or a hate crime. I managed to escape physically unharmed, but I did delete all the dating apps after that. Third, I'm a beefier guy, but I have never really fit into the bear community. I hate wearing leather, I can't stand growing facial hair, and don't have any kinks—and leather, beards, and kinks seem to be prerequisites for joining the bear club. Also, most bears are older guys and older guys don't really do it for me. And younger guys always seem to be looking for a sugar daddy. I'm a Goldilocks who can't find her "just right."

Fourth and finally, I've lived a big life. Due to a parent in the entertainment industry, I grew up with backlot access. I have literally traveled all over the world. I can tell stories for days. But it makes dating hard when the other guy has only his work or cats to talk about. I've gone on more than one date where the guy told me he didn't have anything interesting to say about himself and that he just wanted to hear about my life. Am I destined to be either a spinster or a sugar daddy?

Lost And Can't Keep Investigating New Guys

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Savage Love: Female Trouble

Joe Newton

I want to correct you on something you’ve said repeatedly: a man can “hide” his bisexual orientation. I disagree. I felt my boyfriend was gay or bi immediately, but he flatly denied it. But it was so obvious! He sucked at sex, he never initiated, and he was clueless about female anatomy! I was forced to hunt for proof, which I discovered after nine months. Then I mercilessly outed him to friends, humiliated him to his face, and finally confronted him with the proof of his profile on a gay hookup app. I enjoyed every wicked minute exposing his lies and telling everyone the truth because he used and exploited me in a fake relationship. I was wrong about a couple of things. First, I thought if I asked him if he was gay, he would confess and come clean with me. Wrong, he never did. Second, if he was gay, he wouldn’t hide that fact because gays won the LGBT rights fight. Wrong. I am a fag hag but only because I like feeling superior and enjoy what I get out of my friendships with gay men. But I’m not interested in fruit juice.

Furious And Vengeful Ex

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Savage Love: Do You Realize

Joe Newton

I’m a 33-year-old straight female, been with my husband for ten years, married for six. When we first started dating, I was an extremely jealous person. Fortunately, I got it under control with lots of therapy. But once I did, I started having fantasies about him hooking up with other people. We incorporated these fantasies in the bedroom—as a fantasy—and it was insanely hot. Anyways, I had a baby a year ago. It took some time for my libido to come back, but she is back with a vengeance. I’m horny all the time. I’m so horny that when my husband mentioned that an old friend of his who lives in another city was getting flirty, I immediately encouraged him to see if anything might come of it. With my blessing, he shared with her that I might be a cuckquean. (Sticking with “might” for now, as we’ve never actually done this). She was interested, and the flirting escalated. Now she’s coming to town for work. Having never actually done anything like this, I started to feel unsexy jealousy creeping back in. We decided that he wouldn’t do anything with her, just grab a quick drink. But she asked to have dinner with both of us instead. That changed the math and I agreed to dinner. But I find myself vacillating between titillation and anxiety. Am I there to watch or participate? (I’m bi, so it’s not out of the question.) They’ve already got a rapport going and I’m insecure about feeling left out. I’m writing because I don’t know how to process this cognitive dissonance. One minute I’m so excited about realizing this fantasy that I’m sneaking away to get myself off just thinking about it. The next minute I’m worrying about what will happen if I see him giving her more attention than he gives me. I don’t know how to make sense of what I’m feeling. Am I really a cuckquean if I feel this conflicted

Completely Confused Cuckquean

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Savage Love: The Goodies

Joe Newton

I'm a woman in her forties in a relationship with a man and I have my first STI with symptoms. Genital warts—yay! I noticed them about two months ago (near my b-hole) and went to the gyno today and had them treated. My question is, do I need to tell my boyfriend? We've been dating for about five months, and we don't use protection because I have an IUD. More background info: My BF hasn't gone down on me. He wants to, but I'm very subby and it's hard for me to get off that way, so I've been putting him off. And now that I want him to try, I have warts. I don't know if he's seen them. Maybe? We haven't had sex from behind in months and I think that may be why. Maybe he saw them before I did and stopped wanting to have sex in that position? He did want to fuck me from behind a couple of days ago, but I said no because I was embarrassed. Do I need to tell him I have HPV/genital warts? We've been having unprotected sex about five times a week for the last five months.

Worrying About Really Terribly Situation

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Savage Love: Mind the Gap

Joe Newton

Thirty-year-old trans woman here, Dan, and I have a question about what is surely one of your favorite subjects: the “age gap discourse.”

About four years ago, I had a sexual experience that I go back and forth on whether to label as sexual assault. When I was 26 years old, I met a 19-year-old on a dating site and drove to a neighboring state to hook up with them. I’ll spare you the details, but when started doing things we had mutually agreed upon, one of them didn’t feel right in the moment, so I withdrew my consent. They respected my boundary for about fifteen minutes, then tried it again. I said no again, they refrained for another fifteen minutes, then tried it again. The cycle continued until I just got worn down. The night ended with me trying to fall asleep so I at least wouldn’t be conscious for what they were going to do. It didn’t work.

I’m friends with a lot of social-justice-focused millennials, and as such, discourse about age gaps in romantic and sexual relationships occasionally appear on my social media. The consensus, as I understand it, seems to be that there is a vast maturity gap between someone who is 19 and someone who is 26; therefore, someone in their mid-twenties has an affirmative duty to make sure nothing sexual happens with someone who is 19. It is also suggested that someone like me is a creep and a predator for even thinking about hooking up with a 19-year-old. It’s hard to not apply my own experience to the discourse, and boy, is it a mind fuck. Hearing people go on about how vulnerable teenagers are or how I occupied a position of power not only dredges up painful memories, but also makes me feel like a creep.

Did I do something wrong? I’m leaning towards no. I didn’t have any institutional power over the other person, it wasn’t an ongoing relationship, nor is it a pattern of behavior. (Like hell am I going to trust a 19-year-old again.) I also tried to follow your campsite rule. Instead of ghosting them, I sent them a message explaining why I wasn’t going to play with them again—the boundary violations—in the hope that they would do better in the future. I’m about 80% sure I have nothing to feel guilty about, but that other 20% just won’t shut up. Was I the bad guy here?

Am Getting Exasperated

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