Savage Love Letter of the Day: Group Sex With Her Fiancé Is Great But She Can't Come During and Feels Guilty After


I’m 30, a cis female, romantically attracted to men and sexually attracted to men and women. (Whatever that is? Heteroflexible?) Anyway, I’m engaged to the absolute love of my life, it blows me away everyday how compatible we are, he’s the fucking best person I know.

My question is in regards to this: we are both sexually attracted to women and have been interested in exploring other people together. We’ve had a number of experiences, threesomes/orgies and while on the whole I feel like they were positive experiences, I always walk away with a certain degree of troublesome negative emotions from it. I feel a fair amount of shame/guilt when I participate in what society tells me is slutty/a-typical sexual behavior. I was also shamed as a kid for “playing doctor” with both boys and girls which has contributed to my feeling guilty about experiencing sexual pleasure in general. I’ve also been with plenty of guys that affirmed that my sexual pleasure was not as important as theirs, so it's safe to say I have some emotional baggage when it comes to sex. (Doesn't everyone? Thanks, religion and patriarchy.)

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I'm Turned On When I Force My Boyfriend to Eat, but Am I Forcing Him to Eat Too Much?

Originally published on Oct 15, 2009.


I'm a 25-year-old girl dating a 26-year-old guy. My boyfriend identifies as sexually submissive. He likes to be tied up, put in women's underwear, and locked in a chastity device, and he has a strong urge to please. I hate the term, but I suppose you could call me a "feeder." I am turned on by the idea of someone eating a lot of food, usually junk food, and putting on weight.

It's probably related, but I'm also a bit of a fitness nut. Consequently, I feel somewhat guilty about indulging my fetish, but I figure every now and then shouldn't hurt. Thing is, he's started to eat too much to please me. He's put on weight, and while the libido part of me finds it hot, the logical part of me wants him to be healthy and stop before he gets, like, actually fat.

Thing is, it's hard enough to convince your partner to work out when it will lead to your being more attracted to him. It's nearly impossible to convince your partner to work out when it may lead to your being less attracted to him. So what do I do? I could say he knows the risks, and I'm not forcing him to do anything. But I would still feel bad knowing that he was essentially worse off—less healthy—for having dated me. I don't want to give him a complex.

Fat Admirer Troubled

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I'm up to My Eyeballs in Covet—Is It Time for Divorce?

Originally published on Feb 17, 2011.


I am a straight man. From high school through college and after, I loved me some women. Then I met my present girl 10 years ago. I fell head over heels for her. I still love her. But, little by little, she has become boring to me. Our sex life has cooled. Days run together with mundane activities like watching TV, going to the store, and hanging out with our kids.

We own a house, we're financially stable, we look very traditional. But I am far from conservative. I love nightlife, crazy friends, and good drink. She was aware of this when we met because we ran in the same circles. My boredom is compounded by a craving for sex with other women. It doesn't matter who—the girl at the coffee shop, the checker at Whole Foods, every chick at the gym—I'm up to my eyeballs in covet.

I want out. I want to be a father to my kids and take care of my wife financially. But I want out. I am a few years from 40. What is the best course of action?

Too Young To Flail

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Tickets on Sale NOW for the 14th Annual HUMP! Film Festival!


The biggest, best, and only amateur porn film festival returns in November!

What is HUMP!? It's a festival featuring five-minute-or-less films that run the gamut from hardcore to softcore, live action to animation, serious to comic. HUMP! is queer and straight, cis and trans, vanilla and kinky, binary and non, inside your comfort zone and outside your comfort zone. HUMP! is now in its 14th year and has been touring the country for the last five. And because we don't release HUMP! films online—or sell HUMP! VHS tapes or HUMP! DVDs or HUMP! ViewMasters—HUMP! allows people to be porn stars in a movie theater for a weekend without having to be porn stars for all eternity on the internet. And while a few HUMP! filmmakers over the years have released their movies online after the festival, most of the films made for HUMP! can only be seen at HUMP!

Tickets for the 14th Annual HUMP! Film Festival are ON SALE NOW! Limited discounted early bird tix are available! All tickets to HUMP! go fast—so get yours now!

All the dirty details...

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Trump Hates All Americans Equally


Also: Sanders can't guarantee that there isn't a tape out there of Trump using the n-word. And she can't guarantee that because there almost certainly is a tape out there of Trump using the -n-word. Take it away, CNN:

As President Donald Trump faced allegations of racism and cruelty on Tuesday, his press secretary stepped to the White House podium to deny only one of those charges... But her defense—that Trump has insulted people of all races, not just African-Americans—only underscored how the President and his aides have embraced his caustic attitude...

Asked Tuesday whether the President had ever used the N-word, Sanders would not definitively say, instead referring reporters to a tweet. "The President addressed that question directly," she said, adding: "I've never heard him use that term or anything similar." Pressed specifically on whether any recording of the President using the racial epithet exists, Sanders said: "I can't guarantee anything, but I can tell you that the President addressed this question directly."

What will happen if a tape of Trump using the n-word surfaces? Nothing, like David Roberts says...

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ICYMI: Sexual Compatibility Is Important


I'm an out (thanks partly to your encouragement) bi/pan cis male in my late twenties. My partner is a good provider and friend and we cohabitate cohabitate reasonably well. We just reached four years into our relationship. My partner is ACE and she identifies as grey-a homoromantic.

I have a high libido and I'm low-key kinky. I like to be smothered and LOVE 69 as a result. My partner being her kind of ACE doesn't have a sex drive. She says she sometimes enjoys the sex we have while at other times she feels nothing. There's little to no enthusiasm during sex to the point where I get about as much out of it as masturbating, something I do a lot. Not to mention I’m constantly fearing that this way of having sex is fucked up. I have not received oral sex in a few years, nor have I gone down on her in even longer a time, as well my favorite sex act (69) has only happened one or two times in the early days of our relaish. She is too uncomfortable to attempt it anymore.

We have communicated about our needs at length. About a month ago I told her I was considering breaking up with her because things weren't really improving sexually and I was tired of resenting her. I also admitted to contacting my ex for support, something I did about a week before we had this conversation. At this point she suggested we should have sex everyday for a month due to some advice she saw on an ACE forum. The thought being she will get more comfortable with frequent sex and then we can reach a more compromise-y rate after the month is over.

So we enact the plan on the first of what I'm sure will be the best month in recent memory. We have sex about nine times, skipping a few days in between, and then we suddenly stop having sex. There is no acknowledgment from her that the plan failed. So I have to bring it up and my cheerful and gentle reminders about "the plan" are met with silence.

Yesterday I inquired if we can have sex again and she said no. I proceeded to get irritated. Later in afternoon we had sex before work. It was vanilla and it all felt utterly detached. I'm at my wits end here and I really want to have steamy sex again, Dan. I'm tired of vanilla sex and I'm tired of my needs not being taken seriously. I also have to mention that I'm a huge cuddler and I often feel that I don't receive enough physical non-sexual attention which I have brought up numerous times to her with little to no improvement.

To make matters worse we live together and she has a better paying job so therefore pays more of the rent than I do. I live in a rapidly gentrified town that I grew up in and am afraid if I leave her I will struggle to find stability and finish school.

Sexually Tormented Dude

P.S. We've discussed open relationships and she can't do it. I'm not particularly into either, even if I was the only one getting the sexual benefits.

P.P.S. Photo enclosed, since I know you like that.

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His Boyfriend Sexts Other People—Why Does It Hurt Him So Much?


I could really use your advice with regards to my relationship, since I wanna sit down with my boyfriend and have a final, end-it-or-continue-it talk in the near future, and I am completely lost as to how to address certain issues or even start this talk.

We’ve been in this relationship for two years now. Right from the beginning, the topics of monogamy, infidelity, trust, and jealousy have been a trigger for arguments and stress. I’m the first to admit that I have trust issues and am a jealous person, at least in the beginning of a relationship. My boyfriend though, he’s basically cool with everything, and he was always open about his "everything goes" attitude. After a couple of months, we finally agreed on having threesomes, but only when we’re away together on trips and vacations. We used Grindr and Scruff and looked for guys that interested us both, and most of the time we texted them together. It made me feel included.

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Ever Wanted To Be a Porn Star For a Weekend? Now You Can! HUMP! 2018 Call for Submissions!


The 14th Annual HUMP! Film Festival, the world's biggest and best porn short film festival premiers in Seattle Portland, San Francisco this November! After the opening festival concludes its run, HUMP! will hit the road in 2019 and screen in more than 50 cities across the U.S. and Canada!

HUMP! invites filmmakers, animators, song writers, porn-star wannabes, kinksters, vanilla folks, YOU, and other creative types to make short porn films—five minutes max—for HUMP! The HUMP! Film Festival screens in theaters and nothing is ever released online. HUMP! is the film festival that where YOU can be porn star for a weekend in a movie theater without having to be a porn star for eternity on the Internet!

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Her One Night Stand Didn't Tell Her About His Husband—Does She Have a Right To Be Angry?


I'm a bisexual cis-woman in her thirties and British. Over June and July, I spent three wonderful weeks in Los Angeles, as my bestie lives there. She is also single like me so we had a lot of fun talking to guys on apps and going on dates.

I slept with three men whilst I was there and had a lot of fun, however, I found out something since which has soured my experience. On Friday night I was sent four picture messages from the last guy I hooked up with, which was incidentally was the night before my flight home. The sex we had was romantic, passionate and intense. Him being a fellow artist was a huge turn on and I felt a deep attraction and connection with him. However, I was very aware that it was potentially only one night. When he messaged me, whilst I waited to board my flight, I felt ecstatic as he said how much he'd love to see me again as I will hopefully be returning to LA in a few months.

Then in a subsequent text message I received images from him, photographs, of his marriage in January to a man. The shock was like a punch to the gut. I was working at the time and could barely catch my breath. Thankfully I work from home so I was able to call my friend in LA and have a cry. He immediately tried calling me twice, I tried calling him back but no answer. I texted back "WTF" and explained to him that it wasn't the bisexuality which I found so shocking, but the fact that he's married.

I feel crushed. The first man I slept with in LA is openly queer, I like it, it turns me on, however, this is different and I don't know why. I'm working hard on resolving my issues with what happened. His reply did not help. He explained that he meant to send those pictures to someone else, that he is married, that his husband knows we slept together and that it's a long story. I asked for a summary and he said he didn't have time. That was the last I heard from him. Even my attempt at a "fun" reply about how I don't care as long as he fucks me again wasn't read.

My question: Do I have a right to be so upset? My emotions range from feeling betrayed, tricked, and angry. It has tainted the time we spent together, which honestly was the best sex I've ever had. I can't say for certain if I had known beforehand whether or not I would've slept with him, as the idea of a sleeping with a married man does not appeal to me at all.

I must disclose that I was sexually abused as a child and sexually assaulted as a teenager, so I wonder if I'm projecting or if he really did do something wrong. I know for certain that he is sleeping with other women that he meets on apps, and I'm positive that he will not be sharing his marital status with them either.

Back In Britain

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Here's Why #BigfootErotica Was Trending On Twitter Last Night

If a thing exists, someone somewhere is beating off about it. Balloons, swim caps, toothbrushes, toasters, socks, galoshes—you name it and someone somewhere is beating off about it right now.

If a thing lives, someone somewhere wants to fuck it—or be fucked by it—and a living thing doesn’t even have to be alive for someone somewhere to wanna fuck it. Aliens, dinosaurs, angels, 50-foot-tall women, centaurs, moderate Republicans—none of these creatures exist but there are people out there who wanna fuck ‘em.

And there are people out there who wanna fuck Bigfoot—and the Democrat running for an open U.S. House seat in Virginia wants voters to know that her Republican opponent might be one of them.

Backing up...

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Our Health Care System Is Working Great...

...for our nation's top health care CEOs.

The 64 health care CEOs in the S&P 500 cumulatively made almost $1.7 billion in 2017, according to a new Axios analysis of their compensation. That total is 74% higher than the $949 million that is normally highlighted in company proxy documents.

One health care CEO—Neal Patterson, former CEO of Cerner—made (off with) $148.6 million in 2017. Health care companies profit not from providing health care to sick people, but from denying health care to sick people. Out health care system is obscene—it's slightly less obscene, thanks to Obamacare, but it's still obscene.

Patriot Destroys Donald Trump's Star on Hollywood Walk of Fame

Can't read about this...

Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame has been destroyed by a vandal reportedly wielding a pickaxe. Local reports suggested a pickaxe had been used to obliterate the pink stone star, which had been restored following previous damaged in 2016. US media reported that Los Angeles police were investigating after the perpetrator, who was said to have concealed the pickaxe in a guitar case, escaped.

...or look at the pics being posted to Twitter...

...or walk by one of his stupid condo towers...

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She Was In Love With Him Until She Wasn't—Is That Normal?


I am a 28-year-old pansexual polyamorous woman. I am in the process of breaking things off with a lovely guy, "Norman," who I've been seeing, first in the same state, and then long distance, for about six months. I was madly in love with him, but now I'm not. Is this normal? He is still madly in love with me, and is very confused by my change of heart. I want him to know the fact that I'm no longer in love with him does not invalidate the time we spent together: it was incredible, and 100% genuine. My feelings have just shifted. Does this phenomenon have any sort of explanation? My rapid change from "I'm madly in love with you," to "I don't really care if we ever see each other again," has honestly made me feel a little sociopathic, and has me questioning my sanity.

This happened to me once before, and I was equally confused: I met a guy at a festival over the summer, and we instantly connected and said we loved each other. We lived in separate states, but we exchanged passionate emails until I went to visit him a few months later, and we had a blissful long weekend and I overcame my fear/inability to orgasm with another person. Then, he just went MIA. I'm still in contact with his wife, but he dropped off the planet, with no closure. I assume his feelings about me must have shifted, just like I'm currently on the other side of.

For my current breakup, it may also be relevant that I'm also in the process of getting a divorce, ending an eight-year relationship. So, I'm aware that my passionate union with Norman is a rebound relationship, and I've heard that these are often passionate and then fizzle out. Also, part of the thing that made my feelings shift towards Norman was his decision to move to the state I'm currently living in; this made the relationship seem all too real for me, and like much more of a commitment than I'm ready for. I've explained this, and he understands, even though he insists that him moving to the same state doesn't necessitate a commitment, and that he won't expect to see me all the time, etc. Still, I feel like someone moving cross-country for me does imply a commitment, and I've now fallen out of love with him.

I know, I've got a lot going on. Thanks for any help.

Not Feeling It

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My Stepfather Asked Me to Spank Him—Right After My Mom and Brother Died


I don't know who else to turn to right now. A little backstory before my "problem."

In April, we lost my younger brother and my parents' house in a fire. In June, my mom died from a massive heart attack. I've been trying to help my stepdad get everything put back together since then. My step-dad helped raise me since I was eight; of all the kids in the family, everyone says I'm the most responsible and level-headed. (Yay me!) It's not unusual for my stepdad to call when he needs something. The call I just received from him has me... well... I don't even know.

After getting the small talk out of the way, he asked me if he remembered hearing that my ex-husband and I were into BDSM. I told him that we met at the local goth dance/bondage club. He responded with "oh" and then nervously hemmed and hawed for a couple minutes. He finally says he wants to ask me something and no matter my answer, it won't change anything about our relationship, etc. Then he asks me to come over and "spank his ass."

Dan, I'm pretty open and sex-positive, but this hit me as fucked up on SO many levels! As soon as my brain re-engaged, I firmly said no. I know we're both embarrassed, and I honestly don't know if I should address this with him, or sweep it under the rug. He's 74, just lost his home, a son and his wife, and if this is part of his recovery through all of the grief, I get it. I'm just really squicked out that he asked me, his daughter (the "step" in our family has always been just a technicality). How do I look him in the eye after this? I'm also wondering if it would be weird for me to help him find a domme, so he can get his needs met.

Thoughts? Suggestions?

Not Into Daddy/Daughter Play

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What She Said: Amanda Marcotte On the Fight

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