BLOGTOWN

I’ve been reading Savage Love for years and think you are serving up exactly what people need not what they want to hear. In that vein, I have some questions if you have some time.

I’m 19, a college sophomore, and a cisgender straight woman. When I was 15, a girlfriend and I were walking to get ice cream and we took a shortcut through a wooded park type area and found a homeless person living there. My girlfriend dared me to make out with him and to both of our surprise I did. It wasn’t really anything amazing just some sloppy kissing and me feeling nervous that my friend was watching me. After that makeout session I started to fantasize about what would've happened if things had gone further in a consensual way and this was a common theme to help achieve release on many of my lonely high school nights.

In high school and now in college I volunteer at a soup kitchen and often times I will substitute the people I meet and serve into my fantasy to help get me where I need to go. My questions are:

1. Is there a community or a name for people like me, i.e. women that fantasize about sex with homeless men.

2. This may seem weird but am I predator? I feel strange having an attraction for a group of people and then engaging in activities that puts me in close proximity to them without their knowledge of my kind of ulterior motive. Sometimes I just feel strange when I’m chatting to patrons of the soup kitchen.

Better Understanding My Sexuality

Longtime reader in Colorado. For the last few months, I've been casually seeing a man, about my same age, who is in an open marriage. We met via Craigslist Personals, back before that ended. Started off as a massage client before our mutual attraction and friendship turned into him coming over, having great sex, pillow talk for a bit before he leaves. Some evenings coming over for drinks and ending having sex. It’s unspoken that we are both seeing others and this is just casual sex with some growing feelings between us. I’d get very sweet texts from him, regularly, about him missing me and general caring, friendly texts. I have been fine with what our relationship consisted of. I would consider myself to be GGG, not jealous and very cool with casual relationships. My problem came up a couple mornings ago, when I was looking around on Fetlife. He and I have both been on there, off and on. By sheer coincidence, I ran across a four-month-old post from him stating: "45yo professor and 18yo girlfriend looking for play with couples. She is hot, amazing tits and just loves sex. Would love to go to Mon Chalet as well. Send info and a pic."

Many emotions came over me...

1. He is 45 and dating a just-recently-graduated high-school-age teenager!
2. Eighteen is one number away from him being considered a pedophile.
3. He is completely exploiting this young girl via this Fetlife ad.
4. He’s a college professor and this is probably one of his students.
5. He is taking advantage of this young, naïve girl who obviously has daddy issues if she’s interested in a man that much older.

I immediately sent him a text including a screen shot of the ad and told him that although obviously very open minded about a lot of things, him fucking a teenager is fucked up and I’m done with him. His response: “Sorry, I am not perfect.” This also brings up for me that I’m grossed out that I’ve been fucking a pedophile for months now. Am I wrong to believe this situation is not right or am I not as open minded as I think I am? Am I making much more of this than I should?

Creeped Out By Old Prof

I've been listening to your podcast for a couple of hours now. Coincidentally I happen to be in the midst of a problem myself and I'm not sure how to approach this. I'm a 28-year-old woman and I’ve been seeing this 26-year-old man for about three months now. Although I know this is extremely early and we have a long way to go in regards to sex and knowing what we like/are comfortable with, I've noticed that he isn’t enthusiastic about having sex with me. In my past experiences sex wasn't an issue in the early stages of a relationship. He has mentioned liking ass play before, which I am totally open to and would like to explore with him, and I've expressed this to him. Despite this he doesn’t seem open to it. This past weekend I spent a couple of days with him and we didn’t actually have sex at all. He was really emotionally effected by the fact that I was clearly effected by this fact and we had a conversation but he just couldn’t seem to come up with an explanation. I wrote it off as stress (he has been going through some stressful things lately) and I decided to wait this out and hope that it isn’t a permanent issue. Then today he left for work and I was left alone in his room and I know this isn’t good but I ended up finding his dildo that he uses on himself. I knew he had this and I’ve seen it before and I don’t have a problem with it. But I noticed it was very noticeably used a LOT. There was debris on it. That was kind of gross, of course, but I also couldn’t help but feel offended. So he is feeling sexual just not when it comes to having sex with me? I know masturbation is a unique and personal experience for people and I shouldn’t take it personally but I can’t wrap my head around him wanting to put this dick-shaped toy in his ass but not wanting to put his dick in me.

Do you have any insight about this?

Dude Likes Dildo Over Sex

I'm a straight teenage male, but I can't climax unless I am stimulating my anus or rectum. I use various objects like cucumbers. The reason I don't buy a toy is that I live in a very religious household and my parents would disown me if they found a sex toy in my room.

I take a toilet plunger and wrap the handle with toilet paper and tissues. Then I take a plastic bag and put it over the top. After that, I wrap a rubber band around the bottom part of the bag so it can't slide off, lube it up, and fuck away! I really like this: I can put the suction part on the floor, sit on the handle part, and basically ride it while I use my hands to stroke my dick/balls.

I know you're thinking, "Gross! Do you realize that thing's been in the toilet?!" But I sterilize the handle with Lysol, then put soap on it before wrapping it with toilet paper. I also put disinfectant on the plastic bag, then wash it off with water. After I'm done, I put more disinfectant/­soap on the handle and wash it off so people who are using the plunger for its normal use don't get my ass germs. I've been doing this for about five years and haven't felt any bad symptoms except the occasional trace bleeding (I think due to not enough lube—or it may be due to the ridges of the bag). A few times I actually bled a lot (about the same amount as a medium cut on your finger) for two or three days, but I didn't feel it in my butt and only knew that I was bleeding when I took a shit.

Are homemade dildos a bad idea? Am I putting my family at risk by getting my ass germs on the plunger?

Always Nervous Until Sanitized

I am in a quandary about a birthday request from my 15 year old son.

Quick back story: When my son was ten some kids on the bus told him that a French kiss was when you transfer chewed food from your mouth to another's. Gross! After correcting this misinformation I decided it was time to educate him myself. A friend recommended “It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex and Sexual Health.” It was the right book and the right time, and my son and I can communicate opening and easily about anything. But wasn’t expecting him ask for a sex toy for his birthday—specifically, he asked I would purchase him a “Fleshlight” for his 16th birthday. WOW! I told him that seemed pretty varsity/advanced for him and should get some some mileage using his hand and maybe have partnered sex before thinking about toys.

I have no idea what it's like to be a teenage boy and I'm glad (if slightly horrified) that he feels comfortable talking to me. But I worry that if he were to use a Fleshlight before having partnered sex it could negatively impact his experience. But I keep thinking about your male callers who used the "death grip" growing up and then wound up having problems getting off with a partner later in life. I purchased him “Drawn To Sex: The Basics” by Erika Moen and Matthew Nolan, which feels like a more appropriate sex positive gift.

Sex Positive Mom

Originally published November 14, 2014.

My wife has been reading a lot about open marriages and she recently decided that it was the best move for our marriage.

Quick background: we have been married for over ten years. During this time I have cheated on her numerous times. It started with online sex chats and running up hundreds of dollars on credit cards. She first found out about it by finding the charges. We had been married only 1 year at this point. She told me I had a problem and needed to get help. I told her I could stop and apologized over and over. I didn't get help and several years later she finds out I have been doing it again. At this point we started to see a counselor. We worked on things for a while, but slowly we stopped going and I ended up back where I was before. When she caught me the third time, about two years later, we went to a new counselor. She admitted that she had at this point cheated on me with someone. We both wanted to stop and we continued seeing the counselor together as well as me seeing one on my own. Again, this lasted for a while, but at some point we stopped going. This past April she found out I had been talking with someone for a while and meeting up with her. She confronted me and I said I would stop. I did and although I didn't get help, I continue to have no contact with the woman and haven't had contact with anyone new.

Just last month, I happened to see a strange message on her phone. I found out then that she was seeing someone else and things quickly snowballed from there. I confronted her and she told me she wanted an open marriage. I was shocked but I should have seen it coming. As we talked about things I found out she was actually seeing two people. One had been ongoing for three years. I told her I didn't want to do this and I was going to get the help I should have gotten ten years ago. I started by seeing a new counselor. I now realize I have issues I need to work on in order to be a better person.

My wife as agreed to hold off on meeting up with anyone, although she does still want an open marriage. I don't blame her at this point. I don't even trust myself at this point. How can I ask her to give me another chance? She has already said she will probably resent me for forcing her to stop seeing the men she's been seeing. She says I was able to choose when I wanted to do what I did and now I am taking that right away from her. I really don't think she wants an open marriage. I think she landed on this option given my actions. We both do love each other and do not want to end the marriage. (We also have children and don't want to be apart from them.) I really don't want to have an open marriage but at this point I feel I need to give her what she needs.

Please share any advice you have on how to move forward with an open marriage or any suggestions on how to prove to her I really do want to stop.

A Sorry Soul

I'm a 24-year-old female, currently pursing the first year of a masters degree. Healthy, independent, strong network of family and friends. I have been with my partner exclusively for almost seven years—we started dating at the end of high school! I moved to a different town for school, so for four years we were long distance. After that, I moved back home. We have lived together for almost two years now.

My partner is a wonderful person. He's a hard worker, passionate, completely dedicated and committed to living life with me. But, I’m not sure that’s what I want. Since our relationship took a more serious turn when we moved in together I’ve been fearful of commitment. Wondering if we’re foolish for not exploring other relationships or just being on our own. This is a doubt that has flooded my mind recently but is not shared by my partner. My partner also has some anger issues that recently nearly cost him his job. I don’t take this lightly.

It is hard to explain seven years of history in a concise email. As per the aforementioned incident with my partner’s work, we are currently struggle to figure out where we stand. I guess my question to you is, making the decision to move on from a relationship is hard. How do I know if I need to do this for myself? Can I ignore these nagging thoughts? Can I work to change my mindset and see my relationship in a more positive light? When I think about being single, I feel happy and good—is this just a “grass seems greener” kinda thought after seven years in a relationship? You should also know that these thoughts have been progressively increasing in prevalence for about a year now.

Wondering About Need To Sort Out Unnerving Thoughts

I’m a straight woman in my 30s, in a monogamous relationship. I’m engaged to a wonderful, sweet, and interesting man, and we’ve been together about six years. We’re getting married this summer. If I could run away with my fiancé and ignore the rest of the world, marrying him would be the easiest decision I could make. I love him so much, and he makes me happier than I’ve ever been. But the problem, of course, is that we can’t ignore the rest of the world... his family in particular. He works for the family business, and we live next door to his mother.

His mother is very aggressive, and needs constant attention. My fiancé thinks she is likely bipolar as well. So as you’d expect, she’s difficult to be around. Anytime we’re having friends over, she comes over too, and there is always drama. She’s usually drinking too much and ends up getting mad at someone. Now my friends don’t like coming over anymore because they’re worried she’ll be there. Worst of all, my family won’t visit anymore. It sucks. So much.

He‘s an only child, and his parents are getting divorced, so he’s been taking care of his mom a lot. She calls multiple times a day, just about every day, and he’s remarkably patient. He hates living next to his mom more than I do, but he feels responsible for her. He also doesn’t want to do anything that might get him excluded him from the family business—my fiancé likes his job and the industry he’s in, and his mother’s father still runs the company.

I’m marrying him, not his mom, but he and his family are a package deal. I’m getting cold feet because I know this isn’t going to get better with time. I’ve heard you give advice to people in similar situations, and often the significant other is putting their family over their partner. That isn’t really the case here. When I ask my fiancé to prioritize me, he does. But how often do I need to put my foot down? It’s exhausting. I don’t want to have to compete for his attention. I know he doesn’t intend for it to be that way, but that’s the reality of it.

I don’t know what to do. Is dealing with his mom the price of admission? Do I just need to suck it up? What about my friends and my family? If you have any advice, I would really, really appreciate it. I’m feeling quite lost at the moment.

Reluctantly Cold Feet

P.S. Or as my future mother-in-law calls me, that swamp-head, gold-digging, dog-hating spoiled princess. And those are just the PG names!

My boyfriend is jealous of a co-researcher on my team. I have no interest in him romantically because he’s unattractive and married. We also have nothing in common outside of work. We’ve been messaging a lot because about the project and because of a problem we had with a coworker. But all our messages are work related. Instead of telling me directly that this flurry of messaging was making him (my BF) uncomfortable, my BF was making snide remarks. It was hard for me to tell if he was joking and letting off steam or he was seriously upset. My boyfriend is lovely in all respects, but sometimes gets jealous and accuses me of things. It's always over small misunderstandings, mistakes, or misinterpretations.

For example, I overslept one morning when I was supposed to wake him up early so we could have sex before a postcoital test (PCT) at the gyno He accused me of doing that on purpose, rather than accepting that is was an accident. I just slept through my alarm! It happens! I’ve had cold sores since I was a kid in the winter and he got one and it turned out it was herpes. He’s accused me of keeping that from him and giving it to him in order to tie him to me. But I swear to God and my mother and all I hold holy that I had no idea they were anything other than cold sores and I had no such intentions at all!

He’s pretty suspicious, but I can’t say that in that herpes/cold sore case, it isn’t without reason. In all other regards, he's a wonderful partner—smart, kind, patient, funny, socially conscious, health-conscious, decent in bed, someone I can open up to and talk with about anything with. I’m crazy about him.

Do you think I’m ignoring a problem that's going to get bigger? It hasn’t become more frequent or more severe. Is this just a side-effect of him being so smart—he puts things together, he remembers details, and comes to conclusions. But his deduction skills are being put to a bad use where my loyalty is concerned. Am I overreacting? I've been with jealous men in the past and I might be sensitive to these baseless and illogical accusations. Is there a better way to deal with them? I tend to be very direct. I tell him his interpretation of events is off and tell him my version. But he doesn’t believe me and then he and I get annoyed with each other. Nothing is really resolved. He still accuses me of random shit, which makes me feel like he doesn’t trust me, and then makes me question what I am doing with someone who doesn’t trust me and makes me wonder if I want to have children with someone like this at all. He has straight up told me he doesn’t trust me, that he doesn’t trust anyone, and anybody who trusts other people is stupid or lying. Dan, we’re trying to start a family and moving to another country together. Am I being like an ostrich here? Or is this like a “price of admission”?

I really value your input, because you’re outside of this situation and have always given so many people such great advice.

Distrusted And Mulling Nervously

Long-time reader, first time writer here.

I’m a 26-year-old bi woman dating a 36-year-old man for about ten months now. The relationship itself has been amazing. He’s an incredibly sweet, caring, and affectionate guy who goes out of his way to make me feel appreciated. Not to mention, he’s super fun to hang out with! And the sex is fantastic!

There’s just one problem. He’s still friends with his ex-girlfriend. They were together for five years but broke up almost ten years ago. Normally, I have nothing against being friend with exes. I’m still friends with my previous SO and he and my boyfriend have even hung out a few times and everyone got along. But this girl has never been nice to me EVER. The few times we did hang out, before I told my boyfriend I wasn’t into it anymore, she would go from making passive aggressive comments to being a full-on bitch. The last time we hung out I honestly thought it was going to end in a physical altercation, which is also not out of character for her. She has a long history of being a violent drunk. She spent a weekend in jail for assaulting her last SO, and my boyfriend told me stories of her hitting him with a vodka bottle while they were together. Recently she attacked her own mom and my boyfriend was tasked with driving her mom to the ER.

Like I said, I told my boyfriend that I don’t want to hang out with her again. I also told him that I don’t support him being friends with her, while also recognizing that he’s an adult who can make his own choices. The thing is, he does still talk to/hang out with her, he just keeps it on the DL. I know because I’ve seen her name pop up on his phone (not in a snooping way, just happening to see while he has his phone out). The other day I heard him talking on the phone to her telling her that he would help her with something the following day, but when I asked him what his plans were for the following day he didn’t mention anything about her.

The fact that he still talks to her behind my back honestly is hurtful to me, but I don’t know what to do about it. Should I confront him? Or is this just a self-confidence issue on my part and I need to let it go and let my boyfriend make his own decisions about who to be friends with?

Girl Over Bitches

I’m a late 20’s male and I’m struggling with my sexuality. Growing up I was always into women but was a slightly feminine boy/teenager, and had sex with a few women in high school/college. Then a few years ago I had sex with several men and enjoyed it. Now I’m not sure if I’m gay or straight.

Growing up in a blue collar neighborhood, it was always sort of a given that if a man was the bottom while having sex with another guy then he was obviously gay (due to him being the “bitch” while doing it with another guy—I don’t agree with such black and white definitions of sexuality, I just heard a version of this idea expressed SO many times). Now, after bottoming with a few guys, I almost have this gut level sense that I basically “need” to be gay given that I’ve had gay sex and was the bottom while doing so. It’s almost like a sense that being straight wouldn’t be being “true” given that I’ve been with guys.

Do you agree with this? I know I’m obviously free to “be whoever I want to be” but from a cultural or intuitive standpoint, would you say it’s true that once a guy’s been with more then one guy, and enjoyed it, then he’s either gay or in denial of being gay if he tries to say he’s straight?

Oy Vey

You were recommended to me by an acquaintance familiar with your column and podcast. I am a 20-year-old male, and as such have certain desires that almost all 20-year-old males have (desires of a sexual nature). However, I am deeply religious. Religion has been for me a source of strength in my times of weakness, a rock in the times of storm, and above all a home to return to when I have lost my path. In the teachings of my particular religion, to indulge the particular desires I am experiencing will condemn me to fates too grotesque to mention. I am rational enough to realize that there is no way that I can "pray away" these desires. My question is this: How does one prepare for a life of celibacy and solitude (as that is what is required of me to remain a member of this particular faith)? Based on what my friend has told me, I know you have little respect for religious practices and beliefs. However, these desires are not exactly something I can talk about with other members of my spiritual community. And while I am currently seeking counseling related to other issues, I was wondering what a so-called expert on sex and sexuality would have to say.

Clever Acronyms Escape Me

I'm from the generation of kids that you helped through the It Gets Better Project. The goal, to my understanding, was to prevent youth suicide. I attempted suicide a few months ago and don't feel suicidal after spending a week in an inpatient center. I'm twenty-four now and just finished college.

I'm crying as I write this because it didn't get better. I fully accept myself as a gay man and have been out since I was seventeen. I've always wanted a boyfriend. But the longer I've tried to date and hookup and meet people, the more it hurts to be lonely. People say that it'll come when I stop looking but I have stopped looking (and maybe even given up) and nothing has happened. I recently moved home to a small southern town and it's extremely isolating.

I went to a college where almost all of the gay boys had boyfriends. It was so easy for them. But I've been single for years. And I see all these gay couples on Instagram with their beautiful bodies and beautiful lives and I have to wonder why it's so hard for me. Why don't I have anything resembling that? I'm a nice, smart boy and I hate feeling this way.

What's wrong with me? Do I need to be more beautiful? Do I need to be muscular?

It didn't get better. Please help me.

Sleepless In Savannah

I'm a 50ish straight male who has fantasized for a long, long time about having my ass fucked by a beautiful woman with a strap-on. After a few near misses over the years, I finally have a gorgeous GGG woman in my life who is not only supportive of the idea, she's turned on by it too. Here's the rub: my bowels don't seem to be on board. Let's just say things aren't as firm as they could be. I've been taking probiotic supplements for several weeks, but the results are sporadic and unpredictable.

Since you helped coin the term pegging, Dan, I was hoping you might have some insight that could help her and I bring our shared fantasy to fruition. Are there any steps I can take, dietary or medicinal, that could safely "dam things up" for a short time so we can occasionally add this kink to the list of others that she and I enjoy together?

Please Eliminate Grossness Mishaps Entirely

I'm a 32-year-old woman. I've always known I had it in me to be sexually and romantically attracted to all genders, but because of severe social pressure I chose/was forced onto the path of least resistance as a teen and ended up only dating cis male people. The social cost of me dating a girl in my country, in my family was just too high, and I didn't HAVE to do that to find love and have relationships, so there we are. I've had one long-term relationship with a man as an adult (six years), and another one after that (eight years), which brings me to the present day. I've never had the chance to explore the side of me that's attracted to female-presenting people, since both the men in these LTR were 100% straight and monogamous.

So now I'm 32 years old and quite experienced with hetero sex and a complete virgin when it comes to sex with any other gender than cis male. I've fooled around with women before, kissing and heavy petting and such, but nothing I would describe as sex. It doesn't help that the lesbian cis women I personally know are... kind of mean about it? Obviously #notalllesbians, but every lesbian woman I've been close with has been very irritated by me identifying as bisexual if I haven't had sex with women. My best friend recently snapped at me that I'm just a fake bisexual for attention if I've never acted on it. Another friend told me that being bisexual was a privilege and I had no right to "whine" about the difficult aspects of it to her. The two LGBTQ groups I've been part of were dominated by monosexual people who did not have many nice things to say about bisexual women. So while I'm sure this isn't universal, it's definitely a pattern for me personally and it hurts a lot.

So now I'm headed down a dark path where I'm becoming actively scared of approaching lesbian women. I've tried to find bisexual women through dating apps, but having a profile as a young-ish bisexual woman looking to experiment only seems to attract straight dudes looking for threesomes (which I'm actually open to, but these creeps sure do know how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory!) I guess other bisexual women have the same problem I do, because I can't find them for the life of me. And I'm afraid monosexual women will be a little cruel about my inexperience and identity. Maybe going out there as a unicorn would help, but I've got the same anxiety about that. Like I said, this has been happening since I was a teen. It's unsettling to be a sexually experienced virgin and I don't know where to go from here. I'd like to pop my lady-cherry! But I don't know how to find someone who won't take my half-virginity as a sign that I'm faking bi for attention. I think I'm coming down with sexual impostor syndrome.

Not Faking