BLOGTOWN

Joe Newton

I am at a loss. I am devastated. I just found out my husband has been sexting with another woman. As if that wasn’t not bad enough, this woman is his first cousin! And this has been going on for years!

I’ll give you a moment to recover from that jaw drop.

Okay, now the background. We’ve been married for almost thirty years. Our relationship is not all wine and roses but we had counseling years ago and decided we wanted to grow old together. We have similar interests, we love spending time together, and it’s just not the same when one of us is gone. Our sex life was never “off the charts” and, yes, this was one of our main problems. He wanted a lot of sex and I was content with very little. I came to believe he was content too and that he long ago accepted that spending his life with me meant this would be how it was. And I truly believed that our marriage was monogamous. Now I know that only I was monogamous.

If it was any other women than his cousin I might be able to deal with this! I wish it was someone else! I feel trapped! I feel like I can’t talk to anyone! All I can think of is how disgusting and disappointed my children, who are in their 20’s, and his family would be if they found out. This cousin has had many ups and downs. And years ago when my children were small I noticed some flirtatious behavior between her and my husband. I confronted him and demanded to know what the hell was going on! I thought that was the end of it! I was wrong!

I was on my husband’s iPad when I found their explicit chats along with requests for “visuals.” I went to my husband and asked if they had ever gotten together physically. He told me no. A few days later we were on our way to a big family event and this cousin was supposed to be there. With me standing next to him he called her and left a message disinviting her. She called him back and he answered on speaker and I said hello and then asked her if she was fucking my husband. She sounded surprised and caught off guard but she said no. We are about to move to new place to retire! Now what?!?

Insane News: Cousins Erotic Sexting Trouble!

Joe Newton

I know you and other sexperts say that kinks are ingrained and not something you can get rid of, but mine have all vanished! Ever since I started on antidepressants my relationship with my body and how it reacts to pain, both physical and mental, has completely changed. I used to love getting bit and spanked and beat black and blue, but now all that just hurts. I used to love getting humiliated and spit on, commanded to do dirty things, but none of that holds much appeal anywhere. So what gives? Were these even kinks in the first place if they could vanish so easily with one little pill? Or were these coping mechanisms for emotional problems I no longer have? I know my libido is suppressed due to the meds. Did my kinks just follow my libido out the door?

The Missing Kink Continue reading »

Joe Newton

I'm a gay guy living in New York in his late twenties. My boyfriend has really been emotionally impacted by the pandemic having been a frontline worker. I think he is suffering from some mild depression or at the very least some intense anxiety so I just want to preface this by saying I completely sympathize with what he's going through. Before the pandemic we had a really good sex life, but lately he hasn't been interested in sex at all besides a few assisted masturbation sessions. While I know that these aren't usual times, I can't help feeling rejected. Normally, I would suggest opening up the relationship, for the sake of both myself and him, and I think that he might benefit from having sex with some guys where there isn't an emotional investment. Of course, right now that isn't an option. I want to be there for him and we otherwise have a solid relationship, but this issue has been making me feel hurt. I've encouraged him to masturbate without me but I do wish he could include me more in his sexual life. Do you have any other thoughts or advice?

Thanks For Reading

Joe Newton

I’m positive you’ve written something about this in the past. I have searched your archives but have only managed to find people arguing in the comments about this topic when what I want is your advice. My sixteen-year-old son is stealing our sex toys. My son took my husband's handheld toy a several months ago. I found it where it shouldn't have been and let my husband know. He talked to our son and told him these are personal items, like a toothbrush, and that he needed to stop taking them. A few weeks ago I noticed my dildo was missing. I thought I had misplaced it or that my husband hid it somewhere. As it turns out, our son took it. We talked with him again and stressed that these are personal items and not something to be shared. I want to get him his own toy so he stops taking ours. My husband is squicked out about it and I agree it's weird to have your parents buy a toy for you but he clearly wants one. I don't want to pick it out. I want to give him a prepaid gift card and have him pick out what he wants from the website a reputable shop. Is there a better way to handle this?

Mama In Houston

Joe Newton

I'm a 30-year-old straight woman in a three-year relationship with my live-in partner, who is also 30. I love him and he loves me and he wants to make a life with me. However, in this pandemic, the stress is so great that I have lost all desire to have sex. I don't want anyone touching me right now, not even myself. I feel like I'm in survival mode. I lost the career I love and I’m working four different jobs to make up for it. I have also been coming to terms in therapy with a sexual trauma I suffered, which is making me want to be touched even less. He's been extremely patient, and says that we can work through it, but I'm really worried that this is the death knell for our relationship. I'm really trying to figure out ways to get myself back in good working order, Dan, but honestly I'm just trying to survive every day right now. Help?

Witty Acronym Here

Joe Newton

Sex-positive bi woman here. I have recommended your column to many people over the years to help them feel normal and human in their kinks, fantasies, sexuality, etc. But I’m having a more difficult time extending similar acceptance to myself. I was in a three-year relationship with a cis straight man. I recently moved across the country for graduate school and this was the catalyst for me to put my foot down about opening the relationship in order to get my sexual needs met. He agreed and we tried being open but he found it too emotionally challenging, so now we are on a “break.”

When we were together he showed me love in many ways, Dan, but he would not eat my pussy or finger me or use a vibrator or any other sex toys on me. He quit his own therapy for depressive symptoms and anxiety after just three sessions; he won’t do couple’s therapy; he won’t even have a conversation with me about why, exactly, my pussy and sexual pleasure are aversive to him. Even hearing me moan in pleasure or arousal seemed to make him recoil. All he wanted was blow jobs and occasional sessions of intercourse. He had some ED issues that he felt bad about but I told him multiple times that erections are not a big deal for me—what I like about sex is the intimacy, the play, and mutual pleasure. He is not a bastard, but the sex remained phallocentric. Writing this, I know that I made a reasonable decision for myself. Yet I continue to be wracked with guilt over pursuing (pandemic-safe) sex when I know this guy, who I love very much and care about very deeply, still has feelings for me and still wants to us be together, exclusively.

Two questions: Do you have any idea of what gives, based on your experience? I’ve been trying to understand and open the lines of communication for years. And, how do I stop beating myself up for hurting his feelings when my friends keep telling me I gave the relationship my all and I know that my soul couldn’t stand any more one-sided sex?

Feminist Under Compulsive, Kink-Induced Nauseous Guilt

Joe Newton

I could really use your advice. I recently found my boyfriend's HIV meds while I was house sitting for him and went into his cupboard for a multivitamin. We've been dating for a year and I had assumed he was negative. I'm negative myself and on PrEP and he is undetectable, so I know there is essentially zero risk of me getting infected, but we agreed to some degree of "openness" at the start of the relationship—having threesomes together—and I recently found a guy we'd like to invite over. I'm trying to get over the feeling of betrayal from the fact that my boyfriend hid his status from me for so long but I'm fine with continuing the relationship knowing his status now. The thing is, he told me that only five people on earth know and his mother, who he talks to almost every day, isn't one of them. He says being poz has really fucked with his self-esteem and that he has had suicidal thoughts because of his status. Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to disclose his status to guys who join us in bed? What about asking him to share with a therapist or "come out" as poz to his mother? I really love him and just want him to be happy and healthy.

Wannabe Ethical And Supportive Slut

Joe Newton

As you can see by my signature, Dan, I'm a linguist. On your podcast you frequently ask researchers "whatchyougot" on all kinds of sex- and romance-related questions, I thought maybe you'd be interested in some expertise on linguistic matters too. And I have some on "cum," "cumming," and (shudder) "cummed."

The technical term here used among linguists for this kind of phenomenon is "peeve." Let me clarify, it's not the "cum," "cumming," and "cummed” that's a peeve but the shuddering. You see, the snide sound there is due to the fact that causes peevers to shudder causes linguists to get interested. The point is language always changes, and linguists are interested in these changes however much they horrify normal people. (That's our technical term for non-linguists.) Grandparents are forever lamenting about how their grandchildren's generation is ruining the language. Documentation of this phenomenon goes back to the Roman times. And indeed generations upon generations of grandchildren turned Latin into Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese, Romanian, Catalan and host of lesser known forms of ruination.

In terms of the sticky substance at hand (or on hand), cum as a verb and cumming are just alternative spellings, which are common enough for slang. It's slang! You really gonna insist slang follow uptight and buttoned-down spelling rules, Dan? That's just stoopid. Cummed is more interesting—and also causes peevers to shudder—because it's a real change in the language. But why shudder? Why not appreciate it instead? "Cummed” shows us how creative we are with our language, how we play with it, and in this case do something useful, differentiating the sublime "got off" (climaxed) from the banal "got there" (arrived).

Don't fall into useless peeving, Dan! You've famously instigated language change. Just ask Rick Santorum, your former college roommate, or the men who've cummed and cummed hard while a nice vagina-haver pegged their ass.

Michael Newman, Professor of Linguistics and Chair, Department of Linguistics and Communication Disorders, Queens College/CUNY

Joe Newton

We're an adventurous, bisexual, non-monogamous, opposite-sex couple with a teenage kid living in Europe. We don't really struggle with finding and trying new and interesting stuff in bed. However, we do have a problem and it's getting worse. Having sex is, well, weird, when the kid is at home. We can't be loud, we can't watch porn, we can't webcam with other people, we can't do anything involved or time-consuming, like ropes or pegging or foursomes or whatever. We can't even fuck in the shower. When he was little we had some plausible deniability, but teenagers know exactly what mom and dad do when they shower together. And it's weird and makes us both not want to. And we're not imagining it. Our son frequently reminds us that he can hear everything that happens in the house. Before we took a lot of it outside or to clubs or other people's places. And he had sports clubs and sleepovers and vacations at grandparents and we could do our thing at home when he was gone. All of that is over now and has been for almost a year. We really like having sex with each other but it has been just very quiet quickies during the day while he's doing school online or waiting for those rare nights when he is more tired than we are and goes to bed first. It's been almost a year of this. Way less people want to meet up now, clubs are closed, and traveling is irresponsible. So before we plunge into another year, which as far as I can tell does not look that different circumstance-wise, any tips?

Cabin Fever

Joe Newton

One of my very close friends, a lesbian, has been married for a couple of years now. It’s been nothing but drama since the day they met. My friend had a terrible home life growing up and doesn’t understand stability. She also has zero self-confidence. My friend and her wife are constantly calling the cops on each other, getting restraining orders, and then always breaking them and getting back together. I told her that if she likes this drama, that’s one thing. It’s another if my friend got dragged into it and doesn’t want to live this way! But she cannot seem to quit their relationship. My friend tells me, “Lesbian relationships ARE drama,” and says I don’t get it because I’m “so damn straight.” Two questions: Are all lesbian relationships drama? And can you explain the whole “price of admission” thing again? It might help to open my friend’s eyes to how unacceptable this shit is. She says she wants out but she also wants to be loved and doesn’t think it would be any better with someone else.

Don’t Really Accept Melodramatic Actions

Joe Newton

I remember the day I was able to come to your show in person. What a joy! It seems like years ago now. How do you maintain your sanity until we are able to go to concerts, theater, museums, and dinner with friends again? I strive to be a good human but so struggle to stay my upbeat self.

I find it helps to remember that concerts, theater, museums, dinners with friends, holidays with family, club nights, fetish parties, etc., are coming back—sadly, the same can’t be said for the people, jobs, and homes so many have lost. Helping others when and where you can is an excellent way to maintain your sanity, I’ve found, and your question prompted me to make another donation to Northwest Harvest, a wonderful organization that supports hundreds of food banks in my corner of the country, so thank you for that.

How would you deal with Trumpist (still!) relatives living with you during pandemic? My mother-in-law is here helping with newborn baby care and she brings up Trumpist talking points constantly and Trump permeates most other topics, like the pandemic, etc.

If I didn’t need the childcare, I would toss her ass out. If I needed the childcare but not so desperately that I couldn’t risk losing it, I would tell my mother-in-law to STFU or GTFO—and if my MIL complained or tried to play the victim after I told her off, I would print every photo I could find online of a Trump supporter in a “FUCK YOUR FEELINGS” t-shirt after the 2016 election and wallpaper the guest bedroom with them. But if I desperately needed the childcare desperately and couldn’t risk losing it, I would smile and nod and my supply of edibles fully stocked.

I need someone to tell me that it isn't a sign that I see my ex's name at least four times a day, every day. He dumped me almost three years ago and it's ridiculous. Can you do that for me?

Joe Newton

I'm wondering if you can help me with some dream interpretation. If it helps for context, I'm a single 29-year-old gay man. For just about as long as I can remember, I've been having mildly unsatisfying sex dreams in that the dreams never seem to lead to sex itself. My dream partners range from people I work with to people from high school to celebrities I'll never get the chance to meet. I never dream about someone I wouldn't want to sleep with in the waking world, given the opportunity. The scenarios are generally different as well. Sometimes the sexual tension is palpable but we're in a crowded room. Sometimes we get close enough to get started but the setting is off. Sometimes we start to get hot and heavy but the dream ends just prior to the sex. In each case I wake up frustrated and masturbate to finish the fantasy. I've been pretty sexually starved during the pandemic, Dan, so you can imagine my frustration when I woke up this morning having almost had dream sex with Andrew Rannells. Can you think of why this might be happening? Any advice would be appreciated!

Distancing Real Earnestly And Missing Erotic Romps

Joe Newton

Something is bothering me and I don’t know where else to turn. I’m a bisexual man. I’ve been married to a great guy for the past six years. Despite COVID we gathered safely for an outdoors Thanksgiving dinner with my family. My mom, my brother and sister-in-law, and my adult nieces and nephews and their partners were there. Each household contributed to the feast and we had a wonderful evening. While my husband and I were snuggling in bed later he said that my casserole was a big hit thanks to the “secret ingredient.” When I asked what he meant, he informed me that he had deposited my come from a blowjob he’d given me earlier that day in my half-finished casserole. When I asked why he did this, he said he thought it was hot and he was aroused watching my family ingest it. To me, this seems a bit twisted and feels like a deeply disrespectful act toward my family. Now I cannot sleep and it is impossible for me to think of anything else. I wish he had never told me. I am writing to you as I don’t know where else to turn.

Confused And Shuddering Sleeplessly, Entirely Revolted Over Loaded Entrée

Joe Newton

I'm a lesbian and my girlfriend is bi. I've read your column and listened to your podcast for a long time, Dan, and I always thought I'd be fine with having a partner ask me about being monogamish. Then my girlfriend of about a year and a half told me she wants to see what other women are like. She says the thought of me sleeping with other people turns her on but the prospect of her sleeping with other people only makes me nervous.

She came out later and I'm the only woman she's been with. I understand that, as a woman, I'll never be able to give her what she might get from a man sexually and that sometimes she’ll want that, so there's also that. We've talked about it and it would have to be a Don't Ask/Don't Tell agreement, I would also get to step outside the relationship, the other people would have to know we're in a relationship, and there couldn’t be any “dates.” On top of all that, we're long distance for now. She says she loves me and I believe her and she says she doesn't want to lose me. But she also says she’s been dealing with these urges for a while and needs to address them. I don't want to lose her. Do you have any advice?

Fretting Endlessly About Relationship Situation