BLOGTOWN

Joe Newton

We knew this was coming, thanks to the SCOTUS Leaker, but that didn’t make last week’s news any less devastating. (Who’s the leaker? My money’s on Ginni.) So, what can we do now? We can march, we can donate, and we can vote like the Right has been voting for 50 years, i.e., we can vote like judicial appointments matter. But if you want to do something right now that will piss off the people out there celebrating Dobbs, consider making a donation to the National Network of Abortion Funds. Actually, don’t just consider making a donation, do it right now: abortionfunds.org/donate. This is going to be a long fight — and we’re not just in a fight to re-secure a woman’s right to control her own body, we’re in a fight to protect all the other rights social conservatives want to claw back, from the right of opposite-sex couples to use contraception to the right of same-sex couples to marry to everyone’s right to enjoy non-PIV sex. (When they say they want to overturn Lawrence v. Texas, which Clarence Thomas said in his concurrence, they’re not just talking about re-criminalizing gay sex but re-criminalizing a whole lot of straight sex; Lawrence overturned sodomy laws, and anything non-PIV meets the legal definition of sodomy.) If you live in a state where abortion became illegal overnight, you can find information on self-administered medication abortion—everything you need to know about M&Ms (mifepristone and misoprostol)—at plancpills.org.

— Dan

Curious Casual Newbie

Joe Newton

Enraged Dude Details Infuriating Experience

Joe Newton

Bitterly Debating Sending Message

Joe Newton

Understandably Nervous Since Upsetting Relationships Expired

Joe Newton

My laptop died last week. My laptop couldn’t die when I was in the office, with capable tech support people close by. Oh, no. My laptop lost its will to live when I was thousands of miles away, in a country where I don’t speak the language. So, I wasn’t able to access my Savage Love email – which is a problem, since no questions means no column. So, I put out an SOS on Instagram, asking my followers there to send me their quick-and-dirty questions. I wrote my responses on my phone… which I dropped at one point, shattering the screen, BECAUSE OF COURSE I DID. So, my laptop is dead, my phone is broken, and my thumbs are bloodied. But I got this week’s column done with the help of my followers on Instagram. Thanks, gang.

-Dan

In the mountain climbing community there is a backlash against a route at a particular climbing site that’s named Gangbang. Critics say it refers to a non-consensual sex act. Your thoughts?

Missionary position in the absence of consent is not sex, it’s rape; a gangbang with consent is not rape, it’s sex. That said, most representations of gangbangs in film, porn, literature, etc., portray non-consensual scenarios with women as the victims, and it’s understandable why some would want the name of that route changed. So, change it.

Joe Newton

Fast forward: I recently learned that Rick has a profile on an online dating app. We are not in an open relationship, even though I’d offered that as a possible solution to our sex woes. After some mild questioning, his story unraveled. He admitted to exchanging sexy pics and videos with more than 20 women on the internet over the last few years. He was apparently going into our spare bedroom or bathroom to make and send these videos—sometimes when I was home, sometimes when I was waiting in bed for him. After talking with a friend, she confided in me that Rick’s ex had discovered dozens of sexting convos on Rick’s phone with strangers when they were together.

My questions are both general and specific to me. First, is it possible for someone to be incapable of physical intimacy when there is love involved? I’m no expert, but it strikes me as troubling that Rick can’t make love with me—going so far as to blame it on hormonal shifts—when it’s not biological at all; he just prefers to jerk off with strangers. Is this actually a thing? Only being physically attracted to an anonymous, impersonal, meaningless stranger? My next question is: Is there hope for a future with Rick when he is lying to me—a GGG partner who wanted to work through this—and also lying to himself? I think I know the answer, but: am I better off alone?

Sick Of Rick’s Dick Image Doings

Joe Newton

I'm a heavy sleeper, and my wife knows that, but not so heavy that I don't wake up when she periodically masturbates next to me and has the bed shaking pretty hard. She doesn't know this wakes me. How do I handle this? Do I offer a hand (or a dick) the next time? Talk to her when she's not having her moment and ask if she feels like our sex life is lacking? Or just let it go and continue to pretend that I'm still asleep when this happens? Our sex life seems healthy to me otherwise.

Nocturnal Incidents That Erupt Necessitate Inquiries To Elucidate

The wife masturbating in the middle isn’t by itself evidence your sex life is lacking, NITENITE. She’s most likely waking up horny at 3 AM and rubbing one out to get back to sleep. You can and should tell her over breakfast—with a loving and supportive smile on your face—that you sometimes wake up when she’s masturbating, and that you’re happy to help her out. But if all your wife wants and/or needs at 3 AM is a quick orgasm, she may not be interested in a full-blown sex session. And if “helping her out” means she’s obligated to get you off before she can go back to sleep, NITENITE, don’t be surprised if she passes (and slips out of bed the next time she needs to have a wank).

Joe Newton

I’m a married gay man. I’m nervous about sending this question and my husband is afraid you might answer it. I’m a fairly vanilla guy, while my husband is into bondage. We’ve been able to make it work because he’s into a kind of bondage he calls “storage.” On “storage nights,” I put him in bondage and play video games while he “suffers.” So far, so good. But I worry about accidentally killing him. Most often I put him in his sleepsack—picture a leather sleeping bag you can’t get out of—which is strapped to a bondage board on the floor by our couch. I play video games for a few hours with my feet up on him. Every half hour, I tighten the straps. Toward the end of the night, the straps are so tight he can’t move or even take a deep breath. If he doesn’t complain or ask to get out, he’s rewarded with a hand-job when I’m done. We do this about twice a week. (We also have a leather straitjacket, but we use it a lot less often.)

I’m worried that he’s going to have an embolism or something because of the straps. Some go over him and around the board, pressing him down to the board, others go around his body and cinch in. The straps aren’t tight at first. But for the last hour they’re fairly tight, and for the last 20 or 30 minutes they’re almost unbearably tight. I never leave him alone. If it matters, he’s in his 40s, in great shape, normal blood pressure, etc. He didn't want me to write, because he doesn’t want to find out it’s dangerous and have to stop. For the same reason, he doesn’t want to ask his doctor. We’ve been doing this for 10 years and I haven’t killed him yet. Is there a chance I might? Can you ask a doc for me?

Seeking Advice Concerning Kinky Dangers

P.S. It feels crazy to say this, but “storage nights” are special couple time for us and an important part of our intimacy. I don’t want to give them up any more than he does.

Joe Newton

Bisexual female in an open/monogamish relationship with a heterosexual male. My partner and I have some friends in the swinging lifestyle that invite us to parties and group sex events. They recently picked up gonorrhea at a hotel takeover and did not find out until after hosting 20 people at a sex party. So, the group is now dealing with a gonorrhea outbreak—mostly oral infections, as we are all very diligent about condom usage for PIV. We are being treated, but I am pretty upset. The thing that bothers me most is how nonchalant they are being about the situation! One person even called this an “inconvenience” and compared it to “the common cold.” (WTF?) While some STIs are easily treated, gonorrhea is treatment-resistant and something like herpes, HPV, or HIV would obviously be a very big deal and permanent. They don’t plan to retest after getting their shots and are already planning group sex events in the next few weeks, which I find concerning. I don’t think I’m comfortable engaging with their group if they are not going to take things like an STI outbreak more seriously. So, my questions are:

1. My test came back negative (my partner was positive) but shouldn’t they ALL retest after treatment? Especially if it is an STI known to be antibiotic resistant?

2. Am I overreacting or being unfair to our friends? Is this just part of the swinging lifestyle territory that we all have to accept?

3. If we decide to not engage with the group because of their attitude towards STIs, how do we get back into the lifestyle? We are afraid we will lose access to events and people in the scene, as these friends have introduced us to everyone we know in the scene and have gotten us access to all the events we’ve been to before.

Completely Lost About Panicking

Joe Newton

I am a 29-year-old woman and I have a problem when I have sex or masturbate. I always feel an annoying pain, a stinging sensation in my vulva, at the entrance of the vagina, that does not allow me to enjoy it, as the pain is too overwhelming. Unfortunately, this situation has led me to avoid having sex or masturbating in order not to feel that pain. I have consulted several gynecologists, but no anomaly or infection of any kind has been found. With the last doctor we also talked about a possible psychological component but, apparently, even on this level everything seems normal. Do you or an expert have advice for someone with a problem like mine?

Lost And Baffled Inside America

Joe Newton

I'm a 28-year-old queer woman. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship, as it was impossible for me to make a physical or emotional connection with anyone after I was raped four years ago. I finally found a very, very, very nice fella. He’s 36 years old, and pretty basic. He’s a cis white man who isn’t into anal, which is good, not too good at oral, which is bad, with a medium-to-low sex drive and an average-to-good cock. Here’s the problem: I like the warm feelings of love and lust I’m finally experiencing after a long time, but I am nevertheless unsatisfied with him. There are so many things that I feel he is lacking. We don’t share fantasies, he doesn’t take the initiative, there’s no sense of seductiveness, and the cunnilingus is underwhelming. I’ve talked to him about it and he listens, he says he hears me, but he does not implement any of my suggestions. Instead, he tells me to focus on the things that are wonderful about our relationship rather than what’s lacking. Maybe I'm being too critical and should try to focus on the positive. Or should I leave him and go find an idealized sex God who may or may not be out there?

Idealized Dick Katharsis

P.S. My question requires a thoughtful response, not a savage answer. So, maybe I should talk to my psychologist and not to you?

Joe Newton

My boyfriend and I have not had sex for more than two years. When I first asked him about it, he hemmed and hawed. When I pressed him, he said he doesn’t have any interest. I felt like he was not telling me the whole truth. When I suggested he tell his doctor, my boyfriend said he could not do that because his doctor is an old family friend. He won’t go to another doctor. I don’t know what to do. Staying in a long-term relationship without sex does not appeal to me. But I love him, so leaving him is not an option. On all other levels we have a great relationship. But I miss his cock and I miss intimacy. I have tried many things, but I am sick and tired of being refused. He will remove my hand from his cock if I touch it, and he does not seem to ever get hard anymore. I used to think that it was my fault but no longer accept the blame. What can I do?

Unhappy Not Having Any Penetration Play In Literally Years