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Savage Love: Kinked Gays

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Joe Newton

I have a question. I’m a gay man in a relationship and we’re both really happy since we met a year ago. We’re “open” in the sense that he wants the option to be intimate with someone else if a connection happens and in turn he said he would be supportive of me being involved in my kinks. But I haven’t done anything yet out of fear. I’m not afraid of my kinks. I’m worried that if I ask to go do something kinky it will ruin our relationship. I don’t think he was bluffing when he said it was okay for me to explore my kinks with other guys but it worries me. I tend to repress the kink part of my sexuality and I’m worried that him knowing I want to act on it will cause issues. My boyfriend and I are so balanced but in the kink aspects of my life I’m a submissive and need to engage in power exchange with someone. I miss being able to express these things and it feels like there’s a void in my life. That might sound silly, but it’s true. I think repressing them is actually taking a toll on my mental health. Any advice?


Guy’s Abandoned Yearnings Subtly Undermining Bond

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Savage Love: Blowing Up

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Joe Newton

I’m committed to my male partner and he’s committed to me. (I’m a woman.) But we both understand we need to flirt and that we will both want to sleep with someone else at some point. We live together, we have a dog, and neither of us believes in marriage. We plan to purchase a house in the coming months. Here’s the issue: he met a woman at work. He’s not sexually attracted to her at all. She, however, would love to blow him. She’s in an unhappy marriage and has no friends. They exchanged numbers when my partner was transferred and now she texts him constantly. It doesn’t totally bother me. But not only does she text him at all hours of the day and night, but she continuously tells him he’s the hottest man she’s ever met. She sends him nudes, which I’ve seen, and wants to suck his “huge dick.” (It is huge.) But even though I know he’s not sexually attracted to her, I still feeling threatened. I have extremely low self-esteem right now and I’m struggling with depression. I’m speaking with a therapist and I’m on meds. But the meds have made me gain about fifty pounds, which doesn’t help with the depression. I get the need and desire to flirt. But right now I’m not confident enough to be okay with him being sexual with another person even if it’s just texts. And I feel this way knowing he has no plans to be with her! He continues to tell me he has no desire to spend his life with anyone else but me. Yet he’s suddenly hesitant to buy a house. I guess I’m asking WTF should I do?

Dinging Phone Really Exacerbating Semi-Serious Depression

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Savage Love: Oral Reports

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Joe Newton

I’m a 32-year-old straight guy. My wife and I have been married for four years and together for nine. We have a great marriage and all is well. We have been quarantining at home since March. During this time, we have been exploring things sexually, which has been really fun. We have also been talking more about our kinks and fantasies. One thing my wife really wants to try is an MMF threesome. I’ve agreed and she’s been talking about how hot it will be to make this happen once quarantine is over. She is particularly turned on by the fact that this would be my first sexual experience with another guy. The only issue is, in reality, it won't be. The truth is that when I was in high school, a guy friend and I fooled around a few times. I have no regrets but those experiences only served to reaffirm that I preferred women. I never did anything with another guy and I never felt the need to mention these early experiences to my wife. She just assumed I had never had a same-sex encounter. Now I feel like I’ve misled her or lied to her somehow. Should I tell her the truth or just let her believe our MMF threesome would be my first time with a guy?

Nervously Omitted Homosexual Occurrences, Mostly Oral

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SexHUMP!

Tonight! It's the HUMP! Tour with Host Dan Savage!

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Don't miss the annual HUMP! tour—featuring the BEST homemade short porn flicks from last year's festival—livestreaming into your home TONIGHT for the last time!

Why the switch to livestream? The 15th Annual HUMP! Film Festival spring tour was off to an awesome start. We went to Oakland, Albuquerque, Los Angeles, Palm Springs, Long Beach, and Columbus... and then COVID19 shut the whole world down. Like everyone and everything else, we had to shut ourselves inside and cancel everything. We were totally crushed. Folks worked so hard on these films and the idea of not letting the world see them seemed completely unfair.

So we asked all the filmmakers if we could take HUMP! online—for the first time ever—and stream it. And damn near every one of them said yes! So here’s your chance to see HUMP! in all its glory! Always wanted to go but lived too far away? We’re screening HUMP! at variety of different times— including times that will work for HUMP! fans in Europe—so now you can watch HUMP! in the privacy of your own living room, bedroom, dungeon, wherever! I’ll be opening the show with a brief introduction, then taking you straight to the all the smut that makes HUMP! the greatest little porn festival in the world!

Here's the trailer...

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Savage Love: Streamers

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Joe Newton

Hey, Everybody: We had our first Savage Love Livestream event last Thursday night and I had such a blast! A huge crowd of Savage Love readers and Savage Lovecast listeners got together on Zoom for a live online Q&A that raised more than $14,000 for Northwest Harvest, an organization that supports food banks in my home state. I got more questions than I could answer in our allotted time and so I’m going to answer as many as I can squeeze into this week’s column. Here we go…



Is it a red flag or sign of deeper attachment or commitment issues if your long-term partner never tells you he loves you?

I’ve heard people describe relationships that were three months old as “LTRs.” Assuming you’re not one of those people—assuming you’ve been with this guy for more than a year—and you’ve already said “I love you” to him and he hasn’t said it back, well, that’s a bad sign. But I wouldn’t describe it red flag. Early warning signs for physical or emotional abuse are red flags; not hearing “I love you” from someone you’d like to hear that from does suck, I know (because I’ve been there), but it’s not a sign that you in danger, girl. It’s also not proof your partner has attachment or commitment issues; he just might not be interested in attaching or committing to you. But whatever the case might be, if you’re unhappy being with someone who can’t bring himself to say “I love you” then you shouldn’t be with that person.

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SexHUMP!

Tonight! Stream the HUMP! Tour with Host Dan Savage!

Banana2_NT_1200x628.jpg

Don't miss the annual HUMP! tour—featuring the BEST homemade short porn flicks from last year's festival—livestreaming into your home tonight and next weekend for the last time!

Why the switch to livestream? The 15th Annual HUMP! Film Festival spring tour was off to an awesome start. We went to Oakland, Albuquerque, Los Angeles, Palm Springs, Long Beach, and Columbus... and then COVID19 shut the whole world down. Like everyone and everything else, we had to shut ourselves inside and cancel everything. We were totally crushed. Folks worked so hard on these films and the idea of not letting the world see them seemed completely unfair.

So we asked all the filmmakers if we could take HUMP! online—for the first time ever—and stream it. And damn near every one of them said yes! So here’s your chance to see HUMP! in all its glory! Always wanted to go but lived too far away? We’re screening HUMP! at variety of different times— including times that will work for HUMP! fans in Europe—so now you can watch HUMP! in the privacy of your own living room, bedroom, dungeon, wherever! I’ll be opening each show with a brief introduction, then taking you straight to the all the smut that makes HUMP! the greatest little porn festival in the world!

Here's the trailer...

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Don't Miss the Savage Love Livestream—TOMORROW, Thursday June 4!

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I love traveling around the country and bringing Savage Love Live to theaters near you—it's always a blast—but we're obviously not able do that right now. So we're doing the next best thing: our first-ever livestream show! The Savage Love Livestream goes down—goes up? goes live?—TOMORROW June 4th at 7 PM PST.

You can send me questions beforehand at livestream@savagelovecast.com, or you can ask questions live during the show. I’ll do my best to answer as many as I can, only this time I’ll be answering them on Zoom in your living room. Or your bedroom. Or your bathroom. Or your dungeon. It's up to you!

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Savage Love: Maintenance Spankings—What's in Them for Her?

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I could really use your insight on the concept of maintenance spanking. In the last week or so, my husband has wanted to explore having a female-led relationship. So while he has always done the cooking, and is a great co-parent two our two children, he's now taking on the majority of the rest of the housework. I'm all in favor of this, as he hasn't always done half of the housework, and our new arrangement has allowed me to be a more present parent and pursue more creative pursuits. In addition to parenting, I am now managing our finances, which I don't mind doing. He has recently wanted to try "maintenance spanking" as a way to reinforce his submission. We've done spanking as a part of sex for awhile, both with my hand and with a flogger, and we enjoy other Dom/sub activities like pegging. But I honestly don't "get" the spanking thing apart from sex. When should it happen? When is it supposed to end? Why are we doing this? We tried last night and decided on a certain number of lashes. He asked afterward if I felt powerful and the answer was NO. I didn't get anything from this and I don't understand it. The whole thing felt very ceremonial and I am not sure what to do with that level of formality. Anything I can do to get in this headspace? Am I thinking about this wrong?


Thanks For Your Help

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Savage Love: Quickies

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Joe Newton

I don't want to become one of those people who write to you complaining about how I married someone I wasn't sexually compatible with ten year ago and now my sex life still sucks. I already know I need to break up with my boyfriend and I was about to do it when he got sick with the flu. This was at the beginning of March. I assumed he'd be sick for a week and then we would have an unpleasant conversation. But then the entire country shut down and my boyfriend was officially diagnosed with COVID-19. So I haven't seen him since the last weekend in February—Monday is Memorial Day, Dan, in case you've lost all concept of time—and I've been playing the role the supportive and worried girlfriend from afar. But it's been hard. Both my parents are in high-risk groups and my mental health has been battered. My boyfriend is finally getting better and I don't know what to do when I finally have to see him again. I'm not breaking up with him because he's a bad person and I don't want to hurt him but that's exactly what's going to happen. I feel guilty because I'm choosing my happiness over his. I know I shouldn't, Dan, but I do.


Feeling Resentful About Uncoupling Dilemma

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Savage Love: She's Crushing Hard on Someone She's Never Met and Wants a Temp Check on Her Tits

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Due to sheltering at home for over two months I am isolated and sad. Shocking, I know. I live alone and was laid off in March so I've had nothing but time as of late. Enter Online Crush Dude, a friend I recently met online who lives far away and with whom I've been chatting quite a bit in a very intimate way. We have a great connection, vibe perfectly, and trade banter on every subject from preferred porn genres to movies.


I enjoy his company a lot and after finding out that our sexual preferences sync up perfectly it's been difficult to fantasize about anything other than him. That combined with my isolation has developed this into a major crush and I'm honestly wondering if I should pursue it or ride it out till I have some semblance of a life again and judge this/him based on the merits then. Do I mention this to him, ask him if he's feeling the same, and pursue this sexy bastard? Or do I chill my fucking tits and see if it's just quarantine cabin fever talking? Thanks so much for your work, this bi bitch appreciates it deeply.


Breaking Into Totally Complete Heat

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Savage Love: Coworker's Boobs Zoom Into View

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Here's a question for our coronavirus times that isn't, "Can we hook up yet?" With my whole company working from home, I was recently in a small group Zoom meeting when one coworker, unaware that her camera was on, moved her phone/tablet/laptop and in the process panned across her bare chest. One of the other participants told her that her camera was on, and she immediately switched it off, with a lot of flustered apologies and oh-my-Gods. After a minute or two, the meeting went on as if nothing had happened.

The coworker in question is someone I respect and like as both a colleague and a person. I'm a gay guy and fairly worldly, so seeing bare breasts doesn't give me an adolescent thrill or the pearl-clutching wobblies. But because this is someone I work with, I feel like this may be an elephant in the room as we go forward. I'd hate for her to be thinking that I'm snickering behind her back or thinking badly of her when really my heart goes out to her. Is there a way to address this and let my colleague know that I'm supportive and sympathetic without bringing what has to be a horribly embarrassing experience back to the forefront? Or should this just remain a "let us never speak of this again" situation?

This Is Terribly Squicky

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Savage Love: New Infant at Home—Perfect Time to Talk to the Wife About Opening the Relationship, Right?

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The Background: My wife and I have been together for six years. When we first met, via Tinder and Match simultaneously, we were in a difficult place with past relationships and we connected over shared pain and a desire for stability. She had a child shortly before we had met and the dad is a deadbeat who put her through the ringer. He would show up at her apartment drunk and promise her the world, then not show up for days. I had a son six years before we met and had been through my own trials (literally) and needed to feel safe and stable. The mother of my child is very unstable and a master of manipulation, so I was guarded but hopeful for something better and without drama.

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Savage Love: Power Players

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Joe Newton

Here's a non-COVID question for you: I’m a queer white female in a monogamish marriage. I vote left, I abhor hatred and oppression, and I engage in activism when I can. I’m also turned on by power differentials: authority figures, uniforms, hot guys doing each other. Much to my horror this thing for power differentials plus too many WW2 movies as a kid has always meant that for my brain (or for my pussy) Nazis are hot. Fuck me, right?

Other maybe relevant bits of info: I’m not interested in roleplaying with actual partners, I’m fairly sure this proclivity is not reflective of any deeper issues, and I'm both sexually and emotionally fairly well sorted. Not perfect, but fine working order and all that. And I get it: people like what they like, don't judge yourself for your fetishes, just get off without being an asshole to anyone. The problem is that my usual way of getting off on/indulging my fantasies is to read erotic fiction on the Internet. I'd love your input on whether seeking out Nazi porn is problematic for some of the same reasons that porn depicting sex with kids is problematic. Am I normalizing and trivializing fascism?

Freaking About Search Histories

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Sex

Savage Love Classic: Red Dawn

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What's the etiquette for having sex when you're a guest in another person's house? Friends spent the night and shared some passion. I don't have a problem with this. However, this was period-sex, and I was left with bloody, sex-stained sheets. Am I wrong to be annoyed? Can I ask them to replace the sheets?

Hostess With The Menses

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Sex

Savage Love: Change the Locks

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Joe Newton

It's taken a lot to do this but here goes. I am a 38-year-old gay male. I have been dating this this guy for one year and ten months. It's been a lot of work. He cheated on me numerous times and he lives with me and doesn't work and I've been taking care of him for seven months now. He always accuses me of cheating or finds something to blame me for. What I am angry about now is how for the past four months he has been accusing me of playing games by conspiring with people to make him hear voices. If I look up at the ceiling or look around he said I am communicating with "them." I keep telling him I do not hear or see anything but he insists that I am lying. He also says I put a curse on him. One day I got up and he packs his bags and said he had enough and walked out. He said I was not being loyal. This is a man who has been doing coke since age of 14 and he is now 43 years old. He does meth and whatever else. He said until I come clean about hearing the voices too and admit I cast some sort a spell on him he won't talk to me or see me. Mental illness runs in his family and one sibling already committed suicide. He didn't want professional help because, he says, "I am too smart for that." I'm hurt and angry and want some advice. ANY ADVICE. Please.


Desperate For Answers

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