BLOGTOWN

Five months ago I started an online relationship with a married man. I'm married myself. We started out having fun, having casual online flirting that turned into sexting and Skype video chats. He lives in the States and I live across the Pacific Ocean. It was a relationship that was not initially meant to last nor ever be consummated in real life.

After four months, he said he was in love with me. He says he cant live without me and I pulled him out of depression from being in a sexless marriage. My marriage is almost sexless but not as dire as his. And his continuous attention and words of affection made me fall in love with him too. We made plans to see each other at least once in our lifetime. And he says he will find a way. It’s all very romantic and dreamy.

A couple of days ago, he told me he wanted to take me out to a nice restaurant and then see the new Aquaman movie. He said he’s pissed that he couldn't do that and we proceeded to talk about sitting in a movies theater and making out. He then needed to shovel snow and left his phone unattended. His wife found our conversation about the movie. He says it’s all she read because he deletes our conversation every time he logs out. But we did talk about making out in that thread.

The next day, he profusely apologized and we talked about what happened. He and his wife had a screaming match, accused each other of things lacking in the marriage, and then his wife asked him for sex at the end of the argument. The next morning she was sweet and affectionate. That left him confused.

He told me we needed to find a new way to communicate and created a new account. I'm now supposed to ignore him when he’s online in his original Skype account. He says he doesn't want to lose me and the sex with his wife was fucked up and left him confused. He says he still loves me. But he was visibly chipper when we Skyped and seemed amused by what happened. If I read it correctly, he was happy he had sex with his wife and got away with telling her I'm a friend from work that he had been flirtin with harmlessly. He told me he thinks his wife is afraid to lose him and felt guilty for not being affectionate with him. And now, she’s trying to be more affectionate but he doesn't know if it will last.

Should I take all of this as a sign that he doesn't need me anymore? Should I be worried that he couldn't tell me he’s getting what he needs from his wife and doesn't need me to fill that void for him? He’s very open but I feel like he’s also afraid to hurt my feelings so he might want to break it off with me in a round about way.

His presence online has declined significantly, Dan. He used to say he was addicted to me like a drug and would chat with me all throughout the day, even at work! Now, he says with the stress of his job and his wife checking his phone all the time, he’s finding it difficult to get online. He talks to me once a day, late at night when I should be sleeping. He’s still around everyday but the quality and quantity of our talks have declined. I asked him several times if he wanted to take a break and he tells me he couldn't live without me.

What should I do?

Confused About This Connection Halting

I'm an early-30s hetero women in a monogamous relationship with my mid-30s hetero guy. We've been together for about ten years, married for seven, no kids. We have a lot of fun together—traveling, shared hobbies, mutual friends, etc.—and get along really well. We have sex fairly regularly. It's not bad. Nothing mind blowing, but definitely on the good end of things. However, his primary sexual fetish is getting in the way of things for me.

His main turn on is furry porn. Namely cartoon images. He doesn't self-identify as a full-on furry; he doesn't have a fursuit or fursona. To his credit, he was upfront about this with me once we started getting more serious. However, I think at that younger age, I conflated the emotional openness and acceptance of his sexuality (people like what they like, no judgment here) with actually being satisfied with the sexual component of our relationship. He only seems marginally attracted to me, and it bums me out that his more intense sexual drives are funneled into furry porn. I feel somewhat helpless, as his fetish doesn't have much of a real world analog for me to meet him halfway. Real life furry action (fursuits and the like) does not interest him (I've offered). As stated earlier, we have sex regularly, but I always initiate, and his enthusiasm is middling until we really get going, at which point I think we both enjoy ourselves. But I've found that this turns into a negative feedback loop, where his lack of initial interest leads to me being less attracted to him, and so on.

I'm not sure what to do. I consider myself a fairly sexual person and I get a lot of pleasure out of being desired. I love him dearly, but this is an issue for me. We're talking more seriously about starting a family, and I'm scared that the pressures that come with parenthood that would only make this worse.

Fretting Under Relationship Shortcomings

I'm in kind of a weird spot right now. I've been with my current girlfriend for five years, since I was 18. Back when we met, I thought I was straight. I've since realized that I'm bisexual. I came out to my girlfriend, and she's been supportive. However, I've recently felt like I missed out on being able to experiment with my sexuality. I love her, and I want to continue a relationship with her, but I also want to experiment and try things that she just can't do with me. She has a low sex drive and isn't really open to experimentation. I brought this up to her in 2017 after she drunkenly let me make out with a friend. I asked if she'd consider opening our relationship. She said no because she wouldn't be interested in having sex with anyone else, so it would be a one-sided deal, and an open relationship is not, in her words, what she signed up for.

I let it go until recently, when I've found myself getting more and more depressed at the idea of not being able to experiment and explore sexually. I brought this up to her, and she told me that she was upset because she feels that I'm guilting her into a type of relationship (an open one) that she doesn't want. After that conversation, she wouldn't touch me for nearly three months; when I brought it up, she explained she was reluctant to because she didn't know how to address the sexual problems in our relationship.

I try to understand it from her perspective, but ultimately I've found myself feeling more and more resentful. I don't understand why she won't even try an open relationship with me. Moreover, I've begun hooking up with someone behind her back who is sexually compatible with me. We rarely meet up because we live in different cities, but it's great when we do. I don't want to lie to my girlfriend about this, but I feel like I have no other option. If only she'd try this out with me, I feel like our relationship would be so much happier. Everyone says I should break up with her, but I genuinely do love her, it's just this one thing that's holding us back. What do I do?! Am I horrible for cheating? Should I bring up an open relationship one more time, or is that too pushy? I honestly feel like it's a lost cause at this point and we've reached some sort of stalemate. I brought up therapy, but she rejected the idea.

Basic Instincts Become Overwhelming Yearnings

Nearly fifteen years ago a young artist named Chris Savido created a small acrylic on canvas that became known as “Bush Monkeys.” From a distance it was a portrait of President George W. Bush, but as you get closer you can see the image is made up of monkeys swimming in a marsh. It was very controversial, and caused the owners of Chelsea Market to close down an art exhibition. Anonymous donors later paid for a digital billboard over Holland Tunnel to show the painting to the public.

I work at a company that processes and trades scrap metal. We bought—for recycling purposes—around 3,000 individual copper dildo molds of various shapes and sizes. I've enclosed a photo. I personally think it would be a waste to sell these to a consumer and have them melted down, since they could be better used as part of a large and unique sculpture. I am envisioning the dildos in an installation that from a distance appears to be the unmistakable portrait of President Trump, but as you get closer you can see the image is really made up of hundreds or even thousands of dildos.

Do you know any artists out there that can make this vision a reality?

Trump Dildos

Two questions.

Question one: A few years ago I was in a toxic relationship that left me feeling traumatized and abused mentally and physically. I left. Cut him off completely. I went to therapy. I started to feel better, and then... my toxic ex moved to my tiny town. He lives five blocks away. I can’t get a restraining order, I checked. He doesn’t call me or text me or email me. He just lives down the fucking street. There is a potential to bump into him everyday. Me bumping into him entails trauma response.

Friends don’t get it. When they hear of the situation they say, "Oh, that sucks," like you might pass off losing your wallet. Many of them still don’t know how deeply he violated me. I don’t want to share the story with everyone who asks. I often end up feeling like I am on trial, even with well-meaning close friends or family. I'm put in the position of having to prove and re-prove that he was a dick, abusive, and gaslit me.

A year or two on and I feel distant from many of my old friends after feeling a lack of support (I am a lot closer to a few supportive folks), uneasy about living in my town, and unsure of what to do next. I’ve written multiple letters to him that I haven’t sent explaining how he hurt me, because I truly don’t believe he understands that he’s done anything despite watching my decline into PTSD and anxious suicidal state throughout the course of our relationship. He’s a classic narcissist. Charms his way through life and genuinely believes he is and describes himself as a do-gooder. But he was a sadist. What made him an abusive sadist instead of a decent kinkster was the lack of clear consent and refusal to process and cuddle and talk with me about boundaries when painful or scary or far-too-intense sex made me literally shake and unable to sleep for the rest of the night. Forty nights that year. I counted. Angry tirades when I told him that I was concerned we were pushing boundaries that were harming me. I’m glad I left. But now he’s down the damn street in a tiny town I bought a house and run a business.

What do I do? Do I confront him? I’m scared with his personality that he will only get off on it. How do I get better support from the friends who tell me to "not let it get to me"? Should I just fucking move?

Question two: I need dating advice. I have a career which involves my face and voice heavily. I’m not super famous, but I’m recognizable to many people. Enough so that I didn’t want to call this one in. And I’m single. Not just single but 38-years-old, wants-a-baby, lives-in-a-small-town single. I do not want to be on dating apps. No one uses them here anyhow because it’s such a small town and no one wants their business known. And, to complicate things further, my tastes are kinky. For a while I enjoyed chatting people up on Fetlife. But because of how small my town is and how public my career is I didn’t feel I could Be open regarding my location. I said I was from a bigger city far away. But I don’t want to date someone who lives in a city far away.

I love this little town. And yet I feel lonely here and hopeless about dating. The pool of available men here is both macho and vanilla. That's not what I want. I am introverted and picky; most dudes annoy and offend me. Luckily I like other gendered/bodied people too. But... this a small damn town.

I want a life partner and am pretty sure I want a kid., But I feel stuck, being 38 with wrinkles and baggage, living in a small town, and having a public career. What should I do?

Situation Torments Unhappily Cloistered Kinkster

I feel like I’m totally broken sexually. I’m deeply in love with a woman who deeply loves me, too, but I can’t orgasm at all when I’m with her.

I’m a guy who just turned 60. I enjoy excellent health, I have high testosterone, and look and feel a lot younger. She’s 44, every straight guy’s fantasy, and guys by the score, young, old and in between, are hot for her. Every aspect of her personality and body excites my emotions and turns me on. She’s gorgeous and the perkiest ass and boobs you can imagine. She’s deeply loving, as sweet and sincere as can be, and totally sexy. She quickly makes me hard, and there’s nothing that I love more than fucking her just the way she loves to be fucked. She wants badly for me to come inside her, in her mouth, on her face and boobs, and on her back. But I can’t come inside her or on her. I can’t come when she blows me or jerks me off, either. And I can’t come with her while jerking myself off.

I’m a highly sexual man using a dating site, and received a message from a woman that suggests she finds me sexually attractive. (The message was this: “Mm yum.”) I actually enjoy receiving messages like this. But I do not find this particular woman attractive. Not in the least. However, I am willing to be serviced by her, if she is enthusiastic about it.

Is there a polite or thoughtful way to tell someone who finds you sexually attractive that you would allow them to blow you but you will not reciprocate or return affection and that you are not interested in them for anything other than being serviced? It would be a completely one-way dynamic. If this woman is hungry for random cock and finds me hot, perhaps this fulfills both our needs?

Seeking Erotic Rendezvous Very Eagerly

I’m a 30-year-old heterosexual woman, no children. I grew up going to church 2-3 times a week until I was 21, when I cheated on and left my Christian husband, a man I started dating when I was 16 years old (right after my mom died). No one would have ever thought I would be capable of such cruelty, especially not me. We were together for a total of about five years. I left him after nine months of marriage. I left him for my current husband, a man who my best friend at work. I lost a large part of who I was and had to figure out what that meant for me.

I came to the conclusion that it happened because my first husband and I weren’t the best fit for each other. He was domineering and I was very submissive to him — so much so that I didn’t feel like I could be myself. But we never fought. When we had sex he wouldn’t finish until I had an orgasm, but sometimes I didn’t want it to go on that long and consequently I was never in the moment when we did have sex. I was just trying really hard to have an orgasm so the sex could finally be over. My ex-husband seems happy now, remarried with with two kids according to my Facebook stalking skills. He always wanted to be a young father and I’m very happy for him.

This might seem as a pretty ordinary issue compared to the ones I usually read about on your blog but I could really use your help. I am 29-year-old hetero woman in a monogamous relationship relationship. I love my boyfriend and I am OK to fuck him only. When I met him, he could barely carry a sexual act to its end. He had some issues from his past relationships and we worked on them together, to the point where we now have great sexual chemistry and a lot of sex.

Early on I realized he liked to fantasize a lot about friends, family, and people we met. It was quite new to me, but I gradually started to appreciate that and explore new ideas and fantasies myself. We role played, we used Chatroulette and YP, and recently I went on vacation and came back with a couple of toys to have fun with. Things like that.

But he seems to NEED to comment on every slightly sexy girl passing by, or who appears on TV, on in his Facebook news feed. He knows it makes me jealous and uncomfortable when he does this—it makes me feel like I am not sexy, beautiful, or transgressive enough—and I don’t see the sense of telling me stuff that makes me unhappy. To make things even worse, Dan, he has stopped telling me how sexy, beautiful, or even nice I am.

There are times when he is jealous about friends or colleagues that showed an interest on me and I tried to show him respect and avoided engaging in behaviors that made him uncomfortable. I embraced his point of view regarding these interactions and put a stop to them. But every time I try to point out that this behavior makes me sick it’s like I’m telling him to not be himself. He gets angry and tells me I sound just like his mother.

When I've tried to speak with him about this he gets upset and says I can't possibly understand him and that I need to get over this stupid stuff and that I am mediocre girlfriend. And tonight he randomly friended on fifteen pretty girls on Facebook to see if I would get angry. It actually made me cry.

I feel like shit at the moment and I would like to know your opinion. I have always thought of myself as open minded—a tiny bit jealous, yes, but still a reasonable person. And I never felt so diminished and not-attractive as during those episodes. I am not sure what I am doing wrong.

Just A Jealous Girl

I'm a 32-year-old female engaged to a 34-year-old man. Some months ago, when we were both drunk, he "got up the nerve" to show me some bestiality porn and tell me how much the thought of me with a dog turns him on. He was absolutely terrified that I would leave him over this but said he couldn't hide it anymore. I was pretty inebriated at the time, and I didn't say much. We continued to watch dog-on-girl porn, which I can't say turned me off, but mainly because it turned him on so much.

Since then, he has brought up this subject when he's inebriated. I've told him that as long as this remains a fantasy, I won't make an issue of it. I also told him that when I am sober it makes me fairly uncomfortable and that it exploits the animal involved. He argued what I'm sure a lot of people into bestiality believe: It isn't cruelty or abuse if it's a male dog doing what comes instinctively to that dog. He also told me that he once had a girlfriend who allowed a dog into their sex life, him as a voyeur, her as a participant in full-on sex with the animal. At that point I changed the subject and we had good old vanilla sex with no more talk of dogs, but he was really turned on. I love this man a lot and in every other way our lives are wonderful. We have also both cut back on drinking in the past month—this is a commitment we have made to each other.

The questions I have are these: Is just the fact that he is/we are watching this kind of porn animal abuse? Can this really remain just a fantasy for him, or will he seek this out again, especially since he has had it before? Bestiality is one of the fetishes you disapprove of, Dan, but I have no one else to ask about this.

Dog Day Shafternoon