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Savage Love: Blocked

Joe Newton

My boyfriend and I were friends for a couple of years (we're both 30-year-old gay men), then I stopped traveling around the world and pursued him. We’ve been boyfriends for a year and a half now. We were both happy and we had sex on a regular basis during the first year. I'm more into anal (as a top) but we mainly did oral because he isn't into anal. We tried a few times early on but every time I mention it now he doesn't seem keen, so I've left it alone. Six months ago he started having trouble “getting it up” even for oral. After it happened a couple of times he basically said, “I'm sorry it's because I think people aren't attracted to me.” After that happened I started to lose my interest in sex between us and now we rarely have it. Even if he did offer to try anal I don’t even think that would motivate me to have sex with him. Apart from that we get on great but I feel as though I'm starting to see him more as a friend. I've been thinking about breaking up for the last three months but I would feel terrible for a few reasons: his previous boyfriend broke up with him without giving him a reason, which he struggled to come to terms with, and he's very self-conscious about his weight. So I can’t tell him the reason I want to break up—I don’t find him attractive anymore—because that might erode his mental health. (He is seeing a therapist.) If sex was great between us I would be happy to remain boyfriends since everything else is working out and I'm fairly certain he's happy with our relationship as it is, which makes it even harder to end it. Advice?

Promising Relationship Is Sexless Or Nearly So

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Savage Love: Add It Up

Joe Newton

I’ve always been excited by BDSM but I’ve only minimally explored this side of myself until very recently. I’m a straight woman and it was difficult to find men who wanted more monogamish relationships on the traditional apps and a challenge to be honest about what I am looking for where kink is concerned. I’d often get through a month or so of seeing someone before finding out they wanted a completely monogamous relationship and that they were very vanilla in the bedroom to boot. I was tired of wasting my time and needed to find a partner who wanted to enjoy a kinky relationship so I moved from traditional dating apps like Bumble and Hinge and to apps like #Open, Fetlife, and KinkD. While I’ve had a few amazing conversations and meet ups, they’ve primarily been with men in open relationships, couples, or guys only looking to hookup. And it seems most people on kinky apps want to only talk about sex. While I do feel drawn to this lifestyle, I am also looking for a partner. I want someone to spend my life with who can also enjoy the kink community with me. How can I find a guy that wants a life partner and a fun and kinky sex life?

Seeks Partner And Needs Kink

P.S. One more question: I’m currently enjoying casual sex with a male partner who only buys magnum-size condoms but who does not need magnum-size condoms. It’s like fucking a half-empty grocery store bag. How do I tell him regular condoms would be soooooo much better without making him feel bad?

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Savage Love: Four Play

Joe Newton

Why are threesomes much more accepted in the popular imagination than foursomes? I was just googling "finding foursomes" and the first result is an article about threesomes that takes for granted that people are looking for MFF. That is a form of heteronormativity, right? I am not judging threesomes, of course, but asking why foursomes are perceived as more taboo. Would be interested in knowing more about what you think about this or if you have any resource to recommend as I am approaching this now with my partner for the first time.

Willing To Foursome

PS: Love what you do with your work.

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Savage Love: Old Times

Joe Newton

I’m a nearly-80 straight male, with undiminished libido. I have no problem with it, just a persistent curiosity. Like, why now? And why so various? And is it common among us old geezers? Male and female? I’m more sex-obsessed than ever before, including adolescence. Until my sixties, tits were my sexual focus, and other body parts were strictly subsidiary, whether I was looking, fantasizing, masturbating, or fucking. Now butts, bellies, assholes, cunts, legs, arms, shoulders are equal turn-ons. Well, I do have one problem: women aren't interested in me “that way” anymore. The secret smiles in public are no longer complimentary or inviting or challenging. They’re just fond, polite smiles for a nice-looking old man. The availability of porn plays a big part in my obsessions. It primes the pump visually, mentally and physically, by showing more body parts and what can be done with them. Lack of a steady sex partner may also explain my obsession—but I was sometimes without a sex partner when I was younger and I wasn’t similarly obsessed. So is this the usual pattern? Does being relieved of the stress and distractions of work free all retired men—and women—to be perpetually horny or what?

Geezer Energy Rocks Id And Titillates Retired Isolated Chap

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Savage Love: Jealous Typologies

Joe Newton

I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful guy for the past year. The only problem is that he works with a girl he used to fuck. It wasn’t just sex—they would go on dates and even went on vacation together. He kept this little “detail” to himself for six full months before giving himself away by mistake. He then apologized, said he hadn’t told me so that I wouldn’t worry for no reason, and that he no longer has any feelings for her whatsoever. Disclaimer: I’m an extremely jealous person with huge trust issues, so knowing he kept all this from me is devastating. I no longer trust him. Just thinking that he’s seeing—on a daily basis—a woman he used to sleep with is driving me nuts! I repeatedly asked him to let me meet her in person, at the very least, but it didn’t happen. So one night, after giving him a heads-up, I showed up at their workplace. He had said it would be ok for me to stop by sometime but once I got there he freaked out. He accused me of not trusting him! My question: Am I being crazy and overreacting—I’ll admit I’ve been agonizing non-stop about this—or is he acting like an asshole with something to hide? I’ve been struggling to curb my anxiety about this, and I’ve even had a few panic attacks he’s not aware of. Him changing jobs is out of the question.

I’m Terrified About Losing It And Nuking Everything

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Savage Love: Don't Give Up

Joe Newton

Borrowing Gen Z's love for labelling everything, I'm a 46-year-old homoromantic asexual Canadian faggot. For me that means I'd like to love and be loved by another man but I'd hate having sex with him. To add a vexing complication, I also need some sort of power imbalance. Ideally, I would fall somewhere between being a man's sub and being his slave. I've been searching for this since I came out in my early twenties. I've tried everything. Online, bars, hobby groups, friends, hookups. Vanilla relationships, single Masters, dominant couples, sex workers. I've spent thousands of dollars on both men and therapy, but here I am busted, miserable, and alone. The point is that no one—and I mean absolutely no one—wants what I want. My dream dude doesn't exist. It's easy to tell someone to move on, that there are other fish in the sea, etc., but sometimes your sea is a puddle and you really are the only guppy. I'm considering ending my life before the end of the year. I can't shake the deep sadness and disappointment and misery that I feel—and this isn't even touching on my current unemployment or newly-chronic health issues. What would you do if you were in my shoes? How does one switch off the built-in romantic drive?

Sought A Dom Accepting Sad Singlehood

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Savage Love: Direct Messages

Joe Newton

My husband recently passed away. He was a wonderful person and we had twelve great years together. He was also very, very organized. His death was an accident but everything was in order. He even left a note in a sealed envelope for his lawyer to present to me. It was one last love letter, Dan. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, no relationship is, but that’s who he was. Or that’s who I thought he was.

My husband was a very good-looking man who took meticulous care of his body. We actually met in a gym at a hotel. He wasn’t conceited, which I think may be because he didn’t come into his looks until he was in his twenties, but he enjoyed the effect his appearance had on others. In addition to his last love letter and other documents, I was given a list with the passwords to my husband’s social media accounts. I made the mistake of looking at his messages on Instagram. He exchanged private images with hundreds of women and gay men all over the world. Not just photos of him shirtless. Photos of him fully nude from the front and back, images of his genitals, even video clips of him masturbating with his face clearly visible.

I knew he had exhibitionistic tendencies. Years before we met he got in legal trouble for exposing himself in a public place. He sought help for impulse control and never did something like that again. But he always had a very high libido, much higher than mine, and he masturbated frequently, and public sex remained his biggest fantasy. I didn’t judge or shame him for any of that. We jokingly called masturbation “his thang” and sex, which we had roughly once a week, “our thang,” and one time, when it seemed safe, we did manage to have sex in public. He expressed an interest in opening up our relationship years ago but I am monogamous by nature and he agreed to keep our relationship closed. And I believe he did: I’ve read through all his messages with these strangers and there are no mentions of any meetings. I’ve seen dozens of messages from people wanted to meet in person and he always turned them down. But he never turned down a request for more photos.

Help me understand this. I can’t tell anyone else about this and I hate sitting here feeling like my marriage was a lie.

Wishing Instagram Didn’t Open Window

P.S. Also, men? My husband was straight. Why was he sending photos to gay men?

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Savage Love: Quickies

Joe Newton

I was dumped in August by a guy I was seeing for ten months. He told me that he wants to work on himself and “needs to be selfish” right now. Since then, we have spoken every day, shared numerous dinners, and gone on hikes. Our friendship is killing me. With him I hold it together. Away from him I cry all the time. I’ve started seeing a therapist and I’m on medication. I’m trying to be mature about the breakup and match his level of “coolness” but it’s destroying me. My friends tell me that I should stay away from him, allow some time to pass, and reassess. But the thought of losing him is almost as bad as the thought of keeping him in my life.

Simply Heartbroken And Talking To Ex Really Extending Depression

P.S. I should also mention that I ended a ten-year relationship for the opportunity to date him.

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New Savage Love: Roger That

Joe Newton

I'm a thirty-something gay man married to a thirty-something gay man. For almost two years, we've been seeing another pair of married gay men around our age. They were our first experience with any sexual or romantic interaction outside of our relationship. The first six months were hot and heavy. We were together constantly and having sex almost every night. After the “honeymoon phase” ended, one member of the other couple (“Roger”) wanted to slow things down. Roger and I had some conflict over this, and I have to admit that I showed a pretty bad side of myself while grappling with insecurity. Eventually, Roger pulled me aside to talk one-on-one. He wanted us to be “friends who have sex sometimes.”

Then, right after the COVID-19 lockdown started, Roger and I had another heart-to-heart on my birthday. After many drinks some a lot of making out we both said we loved each other. Roger walked it back the next day. “I don't know what you thought you heard last night,” he basically said, “but I'm not in love with you.” I was devastated. This isn't what I want. I am in love with Roger and his husband. I don't want to be “friends who have sex sometimes.” My husband is OK with just being friends with Roger and his husband, especially since their large friend group has adopted us and he worries we’ll lose all these new friends if I end our friendship with Roger and his husband. I would really like to talk this out with Roger, but I'm not sure I can get through that conversation without DTMFAing him.

I mean, which was it? Were we a fun sexy fling and nothing about the last two years mattered? Or was he in love with me but decided the conflict and complication of this relationship wasn't worth it? Which was it?

Trouble In The Quad

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New Savage Love: Missed Connections

Joe Newton

Married guy here. I’m 33, the wife is 31. Our fifth anniversary is next month but we’ve been together for almost eight years. We’ve recently both come out to each other as bi. She tried to tell me a long time ago whereas I came to the realization only recently. We’re both interested in new sexual encounters and this weekend we met up with a with a male escort. It was my first sexual experience with a man and the first sexual encounter between my wife and another man in eight years… and we found it lacking. It was too short, and too impersonal. Is this how it usually goes with escorts? Should we have been more upfront with our interests ahead of time? We don’t want to keep spending the money if we’re not getting the experience we want. We need to stay fairly discreet for most of these encounters due to our careers. Appreciate any input.

Basking In Confusion Over Underwhelming, Pitifully Lackluster Experience

P.S. A shoutout to my amazing wife for going from learning I’m bi to fucking another dude with me three months later!

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New Savage Love: Premies

Joe Newton

I'm a straight man who’s been dating a woman for not quite four months. In the beginning things were light. But things started to get heavy quickly. Two weeks in she revealed her very serious abandonment issues and then began asking me whether I really loved her and demanding reassurance that I wasn’t going anywhere and she wouldn’t be “just a single chapter” in my life. After a month, I met her seven-year-old son, her parents, and her ex. Then we had a pregnancy scare. She told me that if she was pregnant she would keep it because then I would have to stay. That alarmed me. I voiced that we’d been dating for very a short time and this wasn’t a good time for either of us to have a child. She wasn’t pregnant, luckily. Even before this incident, my body had started to manifest signs of anxiety—upset stomach, sleepless nights, loss of appetite, etc. So, I summoned up all of my courage (conversations like this are extremely difficult for me) and told her that I couldn't do this anymore. She started to cry and begged me to give her a second chance. I wound up spending the rest of the weekend at her place and agreed to stay in the relationship. But I didn’t feel good about it. When I finally got back to my place, I felt anxious, confused, hollow, and hopeless. I tried to end things again after speaking to my therapist but she won't take no for an answer and constantly brings up the promises I made her about really loving her. I hate this and I feel terrible for her son. Any thoughts on how to dismantle this thing? Or do I just need to run?

Passionate Reassurances Extracted So Soon Undoes Relationship Exit

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New Savage Love: Choked Up

Joe Newton

I'm a 29-year-old straight woman in Pennsylvania. My question is to do with choking and consent. I've had two experiences in the past six months or so where someone has tried to choke me without my consent. The first time this happened, I coughed immediately but he tried multiple times during sex. I was caught so off-guard that I didn't say anything until the next morning. I told him I wasn't okay with that and that it was too much. The second time, I shook my head as soon as he put his hand on my throat and he stopped immediately. I told him, "That scared the shit out of me." He apologized for startling me and said he wouldn't do it again. My question is, why is this a thing? The fact that this has happened to me more than once in a short period of time kind of shocked me. And what is the appropriate thing to do when this happens? What should I do with the person who does this?

Concerned Hetero Over Kinky Entitled Dumbasses

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Savage Love Classic: "What Do I Do with This Old Blow-Up Sex Doll? (Photo Enclosed.)"


I have a question for you, finally. Maybe it's a common question. Maybe it's just a story. I have an approximately 20 year old blow up doll, new in package, that has been in outdoor storage for part of that time, so I found a spider nest, a couple ants, some debris. Cleaned her up, she holds air, and—after dressed—I can see why they might appeal to imaginative doll or oddity collector. When I claimed the doll, I was thinking, "You guys can't throw this away! It was made to be cared for, and as a piece of art, it should at least be used, and not wasted!" Especially after I saw that face. The face doesn't fully blow up, so we put sunglasses on her, so she looks ok.

Question is: How do we get rid of her? It's a Teighlor Big Babe Doll, and I looked it up, and she didn't receive any of the profits on the doll, her image was stolen for it. Also, I don't want to give her to someone that would abuse her, as I know humans are want to do. I bet you will ultimately tell me to leave a note down at the porn store and maybe someone will want it. I just had a glimmer of hope that you might know someone offhand that collects these sorts of things or who has a special place in their heart for Teighlor. There is a little mildew spotting on her breasts that didn't come off with isopropyl alcohol, but other than that, she's in great shape for being boxed for twenty years. I cleaned her "tongue," there were some cobwebs in there, but I could not bring myself to violate her nether orifices. They told me it was unused, and I believe them.

Thank You for your time.

Delivering Onna Lotta Lover

P.S. I've enclosed a photo.

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New Savage Love: Fantasy Figures

Joe Newton

I’ve been married for thirty years to the same man. I have dealt with his tantrums, his screaming, and his fits. He’s always had anger management issues. He strangled me once a few months after our son was born and never did it again. I would have left otherwise. He’s had relationships with other women but always swore it was just online. Then, a few years back, I got into an online relationship with someone online. I never actually met this person, just as my husband claimed he’d never met the women he was talking to online. I had opened up to this person about our troubles and I talked about my husband’s anger issues and some other private things. This person encouraged me to have an affair but I kept putting him off. Finally, I told him I did it, I had an affair, it was great, etc. It wasn’t true but it seemed like that’s what he wanted to hear.  About thirty minutes after I told him I got a call from my husband! This person had sent it all to him! All of our conversations, everything, every detail. My husband flipped out but we worked it out and moved on.

Then a few months ago, right at the start of the pandemic, I found out that my husband has been speaking to other women. I also found out that he’s been meeting other women in hotel rooms in other cities and all this time I believed him about never meeting with anyone in person! He claims he has erectile dysfunction but it was clear from the messages I saw that he is having sex with these other women. So he’s somehow fucking other women despite the erectile dysfunction that prevents him from fucking me?!?

I’m beside myself because over thirty years we built a life together and now I don’t know what my future is going to look like because of this. I can’t provide for myself monetarily. I still work full time but if I lose this job or retire, Dan, I will have nothing. And we both have medical issues. I don’t want a divorce because a secure future for both of us really does hinge on us remaining together. I know for a fact that he’s still seeing these women while forbidding me from having even online conversations—to say nothing of relations—with another man. Neither of us can make it on our own. I don’t know what to do. Why wouldn’t he want an open relationship?

Divorce Invites Serious Consequences Or Real Distress

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Savage Love Classic: "I Have Two Vaginas"


[Here's another Savage Love classic column from deep in the archives, originally published in May, 2018.—eds.]

I have two vaginas. I'd had a number of routine pelvic exams with my old doctor, but she never discovered it. My new gyno, however, discovered my "atypical anatomy" right away last week. The anatomical specifics are irrelevant to my question—everything is fully functioning, sex isn't painful, and everything externally looks completely normal.

I'm a straight girl in my early 20s and I've only had one sex partner. Sex was great, and only occasionally did I have to take the guy's dick and redirect him to the "better" vagina. We were each other's firsts—at the time I figured the occasional readjustment was par for the course. I didn't find out about my two vaginas (sounds like a sitcom) until after the relationship ended.

My question: Is this something I need to reveal to new partners before sex? After? Ever?

Very Abnormal Girl

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