She Fell in Love With One Guy but Wound up With Another

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This might seem as a pretty ordinary issue compared to the ones I usually read about on your blog but I could really use your help. I am 29-year-old hetero woman in a monogamous relationship relationship. I love my boyfriend and I am OK to fuck him only. When I met him, he could barely carry a sexual act to its end. He had some issues from his past relationships and we worked on them together, to the point where we now have great sexual chemistry and a lot of sex.

Early on I realized he liked to fantasize a lot about friends, family, and people we met. It was quite new to me, but I gradually started to appreciate that and explore new ideas and fantasies myself. We role played, we used Chatroulette and YP, and recently I went on vacation and came back with a couple of toys to have fun with. Things like that.

But he seems to NEED to comment on every slightly sexy girl passing by, or who appears on TV, on in his Facebook news feed. He knows it makes me jealous and uncomfortable when he does this—it makes me feel like I am not sexy, beautiful, or transgressive enough—and I don’t see the sense of telling me stuff that makes me unhappy. To make things even worse, Dan, he has stopped telling me how sexy, beautiful, or even nice I am.

There are times when he is jealous about friends or colleagues that showed an interest on me and I tried to show him respect and avoided engaging in behaviors that made him uncomfortable. I embraced his point of view regarding these interactions and put a stop to them. But every time I try to point out that this behavior makes me sick it’s like I’m telling him to not be himself. He gets angry and tells me I sound just like his mother.

When I've tried to speak with him about this he gets upset and says I can't possibly understand him and that I need to get over this stupid stuff and that I am mediocre girlfriend. And tonight he randomly friended on fifteen pretty girls on Facebook to see if I would get angry. It actually made me cry.

I feel like shit at the moment and I would like to know your opinion. I have always thought of myself as open minded—a tiny bit jealous, yes, but still a reasonable person. And I never felt so diminished and not-attractive as during those episodes. I am not sure what I am doing wrong.

Just A Jealous Girl

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Her Fiancé Doggedly Pursues a Highly Problematic Kink

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Originally published November 6, 2008.

I'm a 32-year-old female engaged to a 34-year-old man. Some months ago, when we were both drunk, he "got up the nerve" to show me some bestiality porn and tell me how much the thought of me with a dog turns him on. He was absolutely terrified that I would leave him over this but said he couldn't hide it anymore. I was pretty inebriated at the time, and I didn't say much. We continued to watch dog-on-girl porn, which I can't say turned me off, but mainly because it turned him on so much.

Since then, he has brought up this subject when he's inebriated. I've told him that as long as this remains a fantasy, I won't make an issue of it. I also told him that when I am sober it makes me fairly uncomfortable and that it exploits the animal involved. He argued what I'm sure a lot of people into bestiality believe: It isn't cruelty or abuse if it's a male dog doing what comes instinctively to that dog. He also told me that he once had a girlfriend who allowed a dog into their sex life, him as a voyeur, her as a participant in full-on sex with the animal. At that point I changed the subject and we had good old vanilla sex with no more talk of dogs, but he was really turned on. I love this man a lot and in every other way our lives are wonderful. We have also both cut back on drinking in the past month—this is a commitment we have made to each other.

The questions I have are these: Is just the fact that he is/we are watching this kind of porn animal abuse? Can this really remain just a fantasy for him, or will he seek this out again, especially since he has had it before? Bestiality is one of the fetishes you disapprove of, Dan, but I have no one else to ask about this.

Dog Day Shafternoon

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Straight Boy Wonders How Common His Ex-Girlfriend's Kink Might Be

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I'm a straight guy and I had a girlfriend a while back who was very into sucking my cock after it had been in her pussy. This was not something she did to just please me—though it did please me very much—and she was not bi or into other girls. It was her primary source of enjoyment and became central to our sex life, though not during her period which neither of us desired. I did some Googling and came up with the term P2M (pussy-to-mouth) for this act and there were very few hits, though there are many for the anal version.

So I have a two-part question:

1. How common is this kink/desire/act? I'm guessing a lot of guys would love for their female partners to do P2M, but how many women are OK with it? And how many women are INTO it like my ex-girlfriend?

2. Is it OK for me to initiate P2M during sex with a new partner? Should it be negotiated beforehand? Should it be rolled out carefully as one would with an unusual or extreme kink? I've had a girl ask me to taste my ejaculate, which was no problem. Can I casually ask for P2M, assuming I will respect a 'no' answer?

Straight Boy Lacks Clever Acronym

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Two Quick Questions to Start the Week

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I have two my questions that I’d really love your opinion on.

1. If limerence is similar to an addiction and we know that it doesn’t last forever, would we not naturally want to seek out that feeling with another partner once it runs out to get that feeling back? Could that prove that humans aren’t naturally or biologically monogamous?

2. During my first sociology class in college, my professor said something I have never forgotten. “No one is 100% straight or gay.” As I’ve done more research on the “spectrum” or continuum of sexuality, I am wondering if my professor is right about that. Does everyone fall somewhere on the in between of the scale? Meaning, are there people who are actually 100% straight or gay, or could anyone fall in love with anyone, male or female?

I hope my questions make sense. I would love to know your thoughts.

A.

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Why Not Donkey Punching?

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Originally published October 26, 2006.

I'm working with Wikipedia, where we're currently debating the "Donkey Punch." It may not be real, but Wikipedia has articles on perpetual motion, sewer alligators, and creationism—why not Donkey Punching? The difference, though, is that the Donkey Punch (fucking someone in the ass and then punching them hard in the back of the head or neck, so that the sudden pain and/or unconsciousness causes the asshole to constrict spasmodically) is short-term dangerous. Therefore, some editors have said the article should specify just how risky and possibly even criminal it is.

A statement about the physical and legal risks of the Donkey Punch, although we may think it self-evident, must come from a reputable source. And who's more reputable than Dan Savage? So, yes, even though this is a stupid, brutal hoax whose risks and fraudulent nature should be readily apparent, and even though the Wikipedia article already quotes your description of it as "a sex act that exists only in the imaginations of adolescent boys," could you spare a few lines to say that punching someone in the back of the head or neck when they're not expecting it can cause horrible damage and may even be criminal?

An Encyclopedia Geek

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When "He's Lousy In Bed" Is the Least of Your Romantic Troubles

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I am a 48-year-old straight cis gendered single mother to three young kids. I’m strong, independent, fierce, and tend to be pretty street smart from hard life experience—evidently smart except when it comes to love. I'm divorced, help my now disabled ex whenever I can, and more than anything, want a loving, passionate, solid, honest relationship.

I was in a relationship with a man for a year, whom I met through a popular online dating app. Part of what attracted me to him was our difference: I'm a highly educated white collar professional. He's a very rugged blue collar man from the Deep South (no high school education, spotty work history). He's very charming, highly articulate, strong, and physically beautiful. So I fell. Hard. He opens doors for me and says things like, "Yes Ma'am." (Swoon).

He asked me to marry him, told me he wanted to grow old with me, that I am “the One,” he met my children, met my mother and brother, he stayed at my house frequently, all the while telling me I was the only one. He denied, repeatedly, that there was any other woman in his life on the occasions I asked. But he never answers his phone when I call, he rarely answers text messages, he has never once answered an email from me. He says he is almost always unavailable because of “work” and his “mother’s demands” for his time for help on her "farm." He almost always no-shows on me, leaving me up all night waiting for him. At times, I housed him, fed him, and cared for him. I always loved him unconditionally. I'm GGG, kinky, and very, very sexually experienced. He has little interest in sex and even less skill. Red flag, I know. But holy shit Dan, I don't want to be alone.

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My Father Has Two Mistresses

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Sorry about the lengthy email, but it's a soap opera of a story.

Six weeks ago, my dad moved out of my parents' home without a word to anyone about why. Two weeks ago, I found out via pictures on Facebook that my dad was having an affair. I was a little late to the party — my mom's sister had figured it out a month before I did, and my mom had been told (by her sister) a couple of weeks before I found out. He claimed to my mom it was only an emotional affair (we didn't believe him, but my mom did), and I tried to stay out of it while they worked things out.

This morning, everything blew up. Mistress #1 Facebook messaged me, upset, because my dad broke up with her last night. She called him a pathological liar and said he'd been dating other women while dating her. I wrote her back saying I knew about the affair with her, but was skeptical of her motives at this point. She then provided me with proof: pictures of them, romantic texts/emails, hotel receipts, a screenshot of his online dating profile, the works. Plus contact info for mistress #2. I called Mistress #2 and she confirmed everything. She talked about specific Christmas presents he gave me last year that she picked out, and both mistresses knew intimate details about our lives.

Now I'm at a loss. Until my dad moved out, I thought he was the best husband in the world. My dad and I have had a slightly strained relationship for years, but he always treated my mom like she was gold (and she is gold). Trips, flowers, surprises, romance — throughout my 28 years of life my parents were an example of a ridiculously happy and loving couple. When I found out about the first affair I asked my aunt if my parents were still physically involved (retching as I asked the question). She confirmed that they were; she said my mother's sex drive had gone down due to menopause, but that "it was important to her to make him happy" at least once or twice a week.

I guess my question is, what can I do? I just got off the phone with my dad and warned him the lid was off and he had to come completely clean with my mom, today, before his mistresses blabbed to more people. He blew up at me but eventually agreed to do it.

As a faithful reader/listener I know that this is their business and that monogamy isn't always practiced perfectly, but this seems beyond the pale to me. It's not one hand job on a business trip after 30 years of perfect monogamy. The more I learn the deeper this goes, and I suspect we still don't know everything yet. The couple of times I've tried to (calmly!) talk to my dad about this, he accuses me of attacking him baselessly and tells me to stay out of it, but it's literally showing up at my front doorstep now.

What can I do? I feel like my faith in two people working it out for the long haul has been shattered. I have one 26-year-old brother who's publicly poly, so this is not a case of him not knowing about open relationship models or waiting to initiate divorce until all the kids were out of the house. I feel so lost.

Help Enraged Daughter In Distress With Harrowing Adulterous Troubles

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Dude, Where's My Libido?

Originally published on Mar 24, 2009.

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My husband and I have been together for about four years and have been married for a little over a year. He's 31; I'm 27. We started out as friends and soon began a long-distance relationship, until I got pregnant. We have a great friendship, and honestly I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Here's our problem: I have the sex drive of a 16-year-old boy, whereas he's practically asexual. The fact that we even got pregnant is quite shocking.

Early on, it didn't bother me much—infrequent sex is common in long-distance relationships—but now that we're married, he would still rather jack off to porn. I'm not hideous. I'm in great shape, my "amazing ass" gets hit on all the time, and I'm an open-minded, porn-loving girl—but my husband isn't interested. LAME. The sex he does give me is quasi-forced, strictly missionary, and at most three times a year. But the solo sex he has in front of the computer while I'm at work happens three times a week at least. LAMER.

The topic has been discussed often. Especially after I go out with friends and come home at an indecent hour, upon which I must explain that I spent the night being chatted up by blokes who noticed my "amazing ass." He's admitted that his sex drive has been a problem in his previous relationships. I guess I'm just getting to the point where one of these days, I'm going to fuck a minor-league soccer team. Any thoughts?

Sexless And Desperate

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Savage Love: Pair of Jacks

I have a secret: For the past three months, I've been attending a local Jacks club (a men-only masturbation event). As someone recovering from sexual abuse, I find the party to be safe, therapeutic, and just sexy fun. I feel like I need this! Unfortunately, I spotted one of my employees at last week's event. Although I'm openly gay at my workplace, being naked, erect, and sexual in the same room as my employee felt wrong. I freaked out, packed up, and departed without him seeing me (I hope). I'm his manager at work, and I feel that being sexual around him could damage our professional relationship. It could even have dangerous HR consequences. I realize he has every right to attend Jacks, as much right as me, but I wish he weren't there. I want to continue attending Jacks, but what if he's there again? Frankly, I'm terrified to discuss the topic with him. Help!

Just A Cock Kraving Safety

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Reader Thoughts on Short Guys, Booze, Buttons, and Wankers

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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: After 30 years... and two kids... should he stay... or should he go? Also: love connections after sudden and unexpected deaths, advice for the short and lonely, and permission to fight bigotry with Buck Angel. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First, a note on someone or other's finances:

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Fight Bigotry With Buck Angel!

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I'm a cis-gendered straight man living in Massachusetts. Coming up in November, there's a ballot question here that attempts to nullify Massachusetts' legal protections for transgender people. Back when the law was passed in the State House in 2016, the usual scare tactics were used, and now that it's on the ballot, the fear mongering industrial complex is at full swing again. Their case is the usual one—allowing transgendered women in the ladies' room would, in their mind, allow every man and sexual predator to just hop to the ladies' room and pose a danger to every young girl. (You can watch one of their fear-mongering ads here.)

This felony fear mongering is tough to counter by logic, or by facts. What I wonder is whether we could respond with counter-fear-mongering of our own—essentially pulling out a picture of Buck Angel, whose appearance is far more manly than my own, and asking whether this man should be allowed in the same bathroom as a young girl. Why am I uncomfortable with this? I'm uncomfortable with presenting transgendered men as a danger that anyone needs protection from. The fear that I will be mongering is not something I believe in, even if it's the only point I can make that could come across.

What say you, Dan? Are we allowed to temporarily throw Buck Angel under the bus, just to get the required majority, or will that bigot position give me the bigot cooties for life?

Pro Trans Equality In Mass And Everywhere Else

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A Message From the President of the United States

This president is the most presidential president we've had since Lincoln was president, according to our current president, and here's what our second most presidential president was tweeting out this morning...

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The intended insult—directed at Stormy Daniels—is by definition presidential behavior. (Call it "Conway's Law.") But to be clear: the president—this president—took to Twitter this morning to insult the looks of a porn star (with a Twitter account of her own) that he paid for sex shortly after the birth of his fifth child by his third wife and then paid an additional $130,000 to that same porn star in order to buy her silence about the unprotected sex they'd had in the weeks before the 2016 election and the evangelical right is just fine with this. And then there's the unintended insult, the self-own there at the end, all thanks to the misuse of a comma. Presidential punctuation is as presidential punctuation does.

And, yes, this tweet, like all his others, is no doubt meant to distract us from the corruption, theft, and self-dealing, as well as the destruction of the planet, and I fell for it.


We Reconnected Right After My Brother Died and Right Before His Girlfriend Did

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I wonder if this will be a new one. Last spring, my cherished younger brother died suddenly (get a CAC scan everyone, not joking, Google it), and I got a call from a friend of his who moved across the country maybe twenty years ago, and who I last saw maybe fifteen years ago. He really loved my brother and was terribly broken up. We've stayed in touch every couple of weeks or so. I loved having someone to be sad with about my brother. We talked about other things too, everyday stuff. He was in a good ten-year relationship, involved with his SO's kids and grandkid. Put her on the phone with me a couple of times. She was having severe back problems, had had one surgery and another was planned for September. In the course of one of our conversations, he told me that he loved me, and has since we first met. He was quite definite about it. There was no flirting or anything (for sure on my part there were zero thoughts along those lines), it didn’t feel untoward; I read it as in the category of telling someone you had a crush on them back in the day. My response was something like “awww,” and then the conversation moved on. He mentioned it again once or twice. He wanted me to know he wasn't making it up, but didn’t dwell on it.

About five weeks ago, his SO had her second back surgery. Something went wrong and she died a few days later. He was appropriately broken up about it. We’ve talked a couple of times since then and when he called yesterday, he told me that he was serious when he said he’s loved me all these years, and asked me if there might be a possibility in the future. And that he's considering moving back here to be close to his family. My response was that his grief is new and raw and this is definitely not the time for any conversation like that or big decisions. I did agree that if he comes out to see his family next May we could have a visit, but that we barely know each other and he shouldn’t expect anything at all.

I do want to be supportive to this guy, Dan, like he was for me, but I don't want to be a grief-avoidance proxy. Not to mention the icky feeling of this happening practically on his SO’s grave. I know grief can make people crazy and it may burn itself out, and that would be fine, as I honestly have no idea if there could be interest on my end. At the same time, based on his disclosures when he had a full life on the other side of the country and there was no question or hint at all of anything ever coming of it, I believe what he says about his feelings. And I do like his brain, always did.

Did I mention that I’m 60 and after a couple of go-rounds have been working on coming to terms with the idea of being alone for the rest of my life? Not my preference, but I’m making it work. Suffice to say my judgment has not been great in the relationship area. Do I tell him to call me in six months or a year, or continue talking occasionally in supportive friend mode, which he could use to sustain grief-avoiding hope? Or what?

Your thoughts, Dan?

Your Clever Acronym Here

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Reader Thoughts on Sugar Babies, Maple Syrup, Period Blood, and a Great New TV Show

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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Her newish boyfriend won't have sex with her during her period, a friend with a lot of drama, a bisexual woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and a man who loves the scent of a woman doused in sap. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

On that maple syrup fetish:

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The Scent of a Woman Doused in Sap

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Originally published September 9, 2010.

I'm a single male in my mid-30s who over the years developed an incapacitating fetish. I can only get fully aroused when smelling the odor of maple syrup. When I was younger, it was not a problem getting aroused without it, but as I got older, I inhaled the scent while pleasuring myself, and now I can't perform without it. I have tried to wean myself to no avail.

What should I do, short of taking all my dates to the house of pancakes and "accidentally" spilling syrup on them? I don't think it would be fair to require such a thing from anyone and would not expect it to be tolerated in a long-term relationship. Any advice?

Odor Regretfully Generates A Sexual Malady

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