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KEPT A STABLE OF HOBBITS
SPORTING GOLD COCK RINGS
TREEBEARD'S ACORNS GLOW AZURE
ENTWIVES GET SHAFTED
an elf's abysmal quiver
loses to an axe
The world was saved so you could
Nail Rosie Cotton
To hide "from all else that moves,"
said, "A diversion."
the Agmarian Witch-King
get stabbed in the face!"
alas two towers had won
the kingdom made right.
the fault of old Isengard,
the Ents march to war.
Homoerotic bromance
Sir Ian leads the way.
dark, cold, cruel on the mountain,
daggers pierce my flesh.
as the spiders keep weaving.
OCCUPY MIRKWOOD!
She's the hottest elf ever.
Sheath my sword, I will.
My brother died of cancer
while watching, top that!
Lothlorien weeps for them
Bright leaves fall like rain
The Steward is in the way
A white tree blossoms
My fetish for big, hairy feet
hinders my love life.
in Tom Bombadil's forest,
trees are not your friend.
AND...HE WASN'T A VEGAN!
BURN HIM IN MT. DOOM!
a final battle begins.
Viggo is a hunk.
Green Dragon Maidens say go
"Helm's Deep on my ass."
I climb Mount Doom each morning
by choosing to rise.
Oh, The Fat One Sees Us, Precious
Illegal, Smeagol
Let the reign of Sauron end
Occupy Morhdorh!
Cut to the edit room floor
Sam, our subject, he.
He, a lone clipper,
Peeked into the wrong window,
Found by the wizard.
No good hobbit says,
He wants or needs adventure,
Adventure chose Sam.
Sent along his way,
To be ever following,
His dear friend Frodo.
To Lorien sent,
And further Doom-ward pulled/pushed,
Never surrender.
Saving countless lives,
The journey was won, back to
the 'shire walked Sam.
Living quietly,
Mayor Sam quelled,
troubles and wizards.
But end-ness pursued,
Carrying Frodo westward,
Damn those frakking elves.
Sam would be lucky,
Outliving his 'shire loves,
Donned his trav'ling cloak.
Some say Grey Havens,
That was many years ago,
Sam left only this:
Those stouthearted folk,
Trustworthy beyond this world,
Won't drink your last beer.
Fellowship in middle earth;
Galadriel grins.
Cannot wait to tell my date
My cat will have fun!
A concert re: Rings?
How nineteenth century chic
Wagner would be proud.
You must be this tall
To join Gandalf's Fellowship
No orcs or fat chicks
The movie is great,
but too long for ADD
Crap! Director's Cut?!
Oh Frodo's servant,
Unsung saga hero,
Frodo hogs the glory
Return of the King.
A lot to wrap up, sure, but
How 'bout an ending?
No, "Ash nazg durbatulΓ»k..."
Might be worth some cash!
but the hobbits suffered much.
Valinor skinheads.
Sold woods to Weyerhaeuser
Bought Mordor for song
In bed with gentle Frodo
It was all a dream
Not in Peter Jackson's films.
A good decision.
The Silmarillion once.
That book is boring.
As the Ring teetered on brink:
"Can't we make a deal?"
You didn't know, may have guessed:
Hung like a Balrog
Lords it over Hobbiton.
Occupy Bag End!
Giving tours every Tuesday,
"Der Sauronbunker."
pride of Bree, now with glory-
holes both high and low.
Hind you. Where the other four
Are, I do not know.
hobbits weep in slow motion
And I'm like, REWIND
on my soft Baggins with your
long Bombadildo
but you are kind of a bitch,
Except in Ruby.
Samwise, I love you,
but you are kind of a bitch,
Except in Rudy.
galdalf and bilbo puff tuff
pass to a hobbit
what about second breakfast
and elevenses
Dwarves all shitcanned after strike.
Orcs make dandy scabs!
newly crowned king turns out to
be Republican.
finally living dream: eat,
drink, and make Merry.
two hobbits flee siege
a gleaming ring odyssey
what fate shall they reach?
Lithe elven quiver,
milky skin and tawny hair,
dreamy Legolas.
Even though he's like...80
Hey man I'd hit it
hipster hobbits invade Portland
Put a ring on it
Treebeard speaks! At the Fangorn
Forestry Center
More words of slash fan-fiction
Than what Tolkien wrote
But what can I say?
Elijah and Dominic
were rather hot then.
Yes, I read the books.
Twice, even, if you must know.
But the books lack porn.
Except, possibly,
in subtext: or is it just
what I want to see?
discovered the best method
to get the grey out
http://www.joe.ie/news-politics/current-af…
A girl from the Emerald Isles
Teased a dog with her feminine wiles
but the pooch was a demon
with snatch-killing semen
and she died with nary a smile
Helm's Deep rich with Urik-hai
Now waits for the sun.
Peasants fear the sounds.
The towers lust the conquest.
Rohan is eclipsed.
With nowhere to turn
And no leverage to be gained
Men find their horses.
Such a precious steed
Wrapped with armor head to hoof
Carry rider's hopes.
Dull blades scream for more.
Shields echo more punishment.
The dead know nothing.
Amidst all the war, nothing.
No cheese is in sight.
Long you've dreamed of this moment!
Together at last.
JRR Tolkien is just
JK Rowling's bitch.
the fair princess as was slain
a mighty ringwraith
How do you hinge a round door?
These questions haunt me.
Saruman's surprise for them?
Hobbiton Walmart.
If you care to know the price,
call Fourth Age Realty.
one last time, after Frodo
gave him the finger.
Alone yet jealous, seeking
Riddles in the dark.
Like eagles deus ex-ing,
All books Tolkein wrote.
Jackson's Hand like Saruman
Moves Mountains for me.
for they like hipsters are trite
Just look at their hair!
can't deal, drag your sorry ass
off to Narnia.
#4, #14, and #41. Trisha, rabblevox, and dotcomdotcom: Congrats, and check your email to find out how to get your tickets.
Nice work, everybody. Tolkien would be proud. Or furious. Probably furious.