Comments

1
GANDALF THE HOMO
KEPT A STABLE OF HOBBITS
SPORTING GOLD COCK RINGS
2
SPORTING WOOD PHALLI
TREEBEARD'S ACORNS GLOW AZURE
ENTWIVES GET SHAFTED
3
In a great contest
an elf's abysmal quiver
loses to an axe
4
Oh Samwise Gamgee
The world was saved so you could
Nail Rosie Cotton
5
Quixotic attempt
To hide "from all else that moves,"
said, "A diversion."
6
"I swear I just saw
the Agmarian Witch-King
get stabbed in the face!"
7
The fellowship lost
alas two towers had won
the kingdom made right.
8
Chopped up and burned down,
the fault of old Isengard,
the Ents march to war.
9
Frodo and Samwise
Homoerotic bromance
Sir Ian leads the way.
10
In my dreams, a wraith,
dark, cold, cruel on the mountain,
daggers pierce my flesh.
11
In Mirkwood, silence,
as the spiders keep weaving.
OCCUPY MIRKWOOD!
12
Liv Tyler is hot.
She's the hottest elf ever.
Sheath my sword, I will.
13
What an epic film,
My brother died of cancer
while watching, top that!
14
The elves are going.
Lothlorien weeps for them
Bright leaves fall like rain
15
Occupy Gondor!
The Steward is in the way
A white tree blossoms
16
Can I confess this?
My fetish for big, hairy feet
hinders my love life.
17
There's no tea party
in Tom Bombadil's forest,
trees are not your friend.
18
TOLKIEN WAS SEXIST!
AND...HE WASN'T A VEGAN!
BURN HIM IN MT. DOOM!
19
The gates of Mordor,
a final battle begins.
Viggo is a hunk.
20
Hung like fell beast's tail,
Green Dragon Maidens say go
"Helm's Deep on my ass."
21
Frodo's quest is our own.
I climb Mount Doom each morning
by choosing to rise.
22
Knows Not Potatoes

Oh, The Fat One Sees Us, Precious

I​llegal, Smeagol



23
Justice for Hobbits
Let the reign of Sauron end
Occupy Morhdorh!
24
With Bombadil lost
Cut to the edit room floor
Sam, our subject, he.

He, a lone clipper,
Peeked into the wrong window,
Found by the wizard.

No good hobbit says,
He wants or needs adventure,
Adventure chose Sam.

Sent along his way,
To be ever following,
His dear friend Frodo.

To Lorien sent,
And further Doom-ward pulled/pushed,
Never surrender.

Saving countless lives,
The journey was won, back to
the 'shire walked Sam.

Living quietly,
Mayor Sam quelled,
troubles and wizards.

But end-ness pursued,
Carrying Frodo westward,
Damn those frakking elves.

Sam would be lucky,
Outliving his 'shire loves,
Donned his trav'ling cloak.

Some say Grey Havens,
That was many years ago,
Sam left only this:

Those stouthearted folk,
Trustworthy beyond this world,
Won't drink your last beer.
25
Dwarf length exceeds height.
Fellowship in middle earth;
Galadriel grins.
26
Wow, what a neat thing
Cannot wait to tell my date
My cat will have fun!
27
Well Trisha obviously won with her haiku in comment #4, but here are my entries:


A concert re: Rings?
How nineteenth century chic
Wagner would be proud.

You must be this tall
To join Gandalf's Fellowship
No orcs or fat chicks

The movie is great,
but too long for ADD
Crap! Director's Cut?!

Oh Frodo's servant,
Unsung saga hero,
Frodo hogs the glory

Return of the King.
A lot to wrap up, sure, but
How 'bout an ending?
28
Hmmm, "Made in China"?
No, "Ash nazg durbatulΓ»k..."
Might be worth some cash!
29
It wasn't written,
but the hobbits suffered much.
Valinor skinheads.
30
Old Tom Bombadil
Sold woods to Weyerhaeuser
Bought Mordor for song
31
Bilbo smokes pipeweed
In bed with gentle Frodo
It was all a dream
32
Tom Bombadil is
Not in Peter Jackson's films.
A good decision.
33
I tried to get through
The Silmarillion once.
That book is boring.
34
Last words of Sauron
As the Ring teetered on brink:
"Can't we make a deal?"
35
One thing 'bout Strider
You didn't know, may have guessed:
Hung like a Balrog
36
Gamgee, rich bastard,
Lords it over Hobbiton.
Occupy Bag End!
37
A NazgΓ»l, the last,
Giving tours every Tuesday,
"Der Sauronbunker."
38
The Prancing Pony,
pride of Bree, now with glory-
holes both high and low.
39
There are five wraiths be-
Hind you. Where the other four
Are, I do not know.
40
After Gandalf falls
hobbits weep in slow motion
And I'm like, REWIND
41
Legolas, rub me
on my soft Baggins with your
long Bombadildo
42
Samwise, I love you,
but you are kind of a bitch,
Except in Ruby.
43
Oops, I meant:

Samwise, I love you,
but you are kind of a bitch,
Except in Rudy.
44
on the best pipe weed
galdalf and bilbo puff tuff
pass to a hobbit
45
hobbits are hungry
what about second breakfast
and elevenses
46
Mines of Moria:
Dwarves all shitcanned after strike.
Orcs make dandy scabs!
47
Saga ends badly:
newly crowned king turns out to
be Republican.
48
Pippin, coming out,
finally living dream: eat,
drink, and make Merry.
49

two hobbits flee siege
a gleaming ring odyssey
what fate shall they reach?
50

Lithe elven quiver,
milky skin and tawny hair,
dreamy Legolas.
51
hobbits are not gay \ they are just comfortable \ with their good buddies
52
Hey, Tom Bombadil! \ eat some peyote with me \ Tom Bombadillo!
53
Aragorn be fiiine
Even though he's like...80
Hey man I'd hit it
54
zoobombadiling
hipster hobbits invade Portland
Put a ring on it
55
Animatronic
Treebeard speaks! At the Fangorn
Forestry Center
56
I think I have read
More words of slash fan-fiction
Than what Tolkien wrote

But what can I say?
Elijah and Dominic
were rather hot then.

Yes, I read the books.
Twice, even, if you must know.
But the books lack porn.

Except, possibly,
in subtext: or is it just
what I want to see?

57
Gandalf finally
discovered the best method
to get the grey out
58
Nazgul stab pillows \ hobbits sleep soundly nearby \ a cheap movie trick
59
I don't like Hobbits or Haiku, so I have created a limerick in honor of this woman who died, in Limerick, Ireland, from having sex with her dog.

http://www.joe.ie/news-politics/current-af…

A girl from the Emerald Isles
Teased a dog with her feminine wiles
but the pooch was a demon
with snatch-killing semen
and she died with nary a smile
60
The outer wall falls.
Helm's Deep rich with Urik-hai
Now waits for the sun.

Peasants fear the sounds.
The towers lust the conquest.
Rohan is eclipsed.

With nowhere to turn
And no leverage to be gained
Men find their horses.

Such a precious steed
Wrapped with armor head to hoof
Carry rider's hopes.

Dull blades scream for more.
Shields echo more punishment.
The dead know nothing.
61
Hobbits get hungry.
Amidst all the war, nothing.
No cheese is in sight.
62
Oh, Frodo and Sam.
Long you've dreamed of this moment!
Together at last.
63
Let's get something straight.
JRR Tolkien is just
JK Rowling's bitch.
64
β€œI am no man” spoke
the fair princess as was slain
a mighty ringwraith
65
At what price freedom?
How do you hinge a round door?
These questions haunt me.
66
cavern waters still \ solitary splash triumph \ we caughts a fishy
67
The heroes return.
Saruman's surprise for them?
Hobbiton Walmart.
68
Gandalf Saruman \ Two Towers bulge with man lust \ wizard on wizard
69
Rivendell for sale!
If you care to know the price,
call Fourth Age Realty.
70
Gollum was happy,
one last time, after Frodo
gave him the finger.
71
Hands grasp for one ring:
Alone yet jealous, seeking
Riddles in the dark.
72
Late contest entry,
Like eagles deus ex-ing,
All books Tolkein wrote.
73
Shore's Score's Sonorous.
Jackson's Hand like Saruman
Moves Mountains for me.
74
Go not to the elves
for they like hipsters are trite
Just look at their hair!
75
Middle-earth. If you
can't deal, drag your sorry ass
off to Narnia.
76
THE WINNERS:

#4, #14, and #41. Trisha, rabblevox, and dotcomdotcom: Congrats, and check your email to find out how to get your tickets.

Nice work, everybody. Tolkien would be proud. Or furious. Probably furious.
77
WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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