THE CANNABIS DESK at the Mercury doesn’t receive a great deal of mail. Part of that may be due to the growing use of what the millennials call “electronic mail,” and part of it may be due to the inadvisable nature of sending cannabis and related products through the United States Postal Service. But the stray piece of mail does show up on occasion, either physically or electronically, and among the regular demands for absurdly overdue child support, membership renewal reminders from the Northwest Furries Association, and unsolicited dick pics (so, so many—please stop, whoever you are, and maybe seek out a doctor because something looks very wrong there, dude), we get the occasional letter seeking guidance and counsel. As a public service, I’m going to tackle some of them in this week’s column.

Q: How do I know if I’m smoking too much weed?

A: That’s a great question. But I don’t know you, so I have no way to know. Maybe you are smoking too much, or maybe you are not smoking enough. I’d hazard a guess that if you’re worried enough to ask about it, maybe you are. Here are some other litmus tests: Do you own an item of clothing that’s free of burn holes? If no, then maybe cut down a bit. Are you smoking a quarter-pound every day? Not to seem judgmental, but perhaps that is too much.

But again, I’m not your weed supervisor. It sounds like you are seeking validation for your choices here, and I’m not entirely comfortable being your enabler, so I don’t know. Maybe pray on it? People seem to do that for stuff they want.

Q: I’ve been extra stressed with work and raising five kids. Is there a strain you would recommend?

A: Five kids? Five? Oh my god, that’s... that’s too many. Way too many. Where do you live, inside a giant shoe? I had to do a double-portion dab just from reading this question. That sounds like the worst, seriously. The worst. Is there any way you can fake your own death and leave the country? Belize does not have an extradition treaty with the US, and it’s beautiful this time of year. Barring that, try something with a high indica content. Preferably while you’re on the beaches of Belize.

Q: My grandmother is very conservative, and I want to tell her that I smoke weed. How can I do so without upsetting her?

A: Go ahead and tell her. It’s probably going to kill her, but you do you, Captain Selfish. God forbid you try keeping any scrap of your life private.

Q: I’d like to include weed as part of my sex life with my wife. What do you recommend?

A: Has anyone ever accused you of oversharing? Well, since you asked, try this: Set the mood with candles, put some Chumbawamba on the stereo, and then pull out your four-foot Graffix bong, fill it with ice water, and then—oh shit, the bong tipped over. And you just changed the sheets! Shit! Don’t just stand there, get me a towel. Oh sweet Jesus, it smells so very bad, like a burning tire factory. Except the tires are made out of rotten, month-old sacks of garbage and sulphur. Goddammit, why can’t you just learn to roll a joint? I mean, seriously. You should have gotten rid of that bong years ago.

Oh, or try cannabis-infused lubes. Those are pretty good too, I guess.

Q: I’m interested in trying edibles for the first time, but I’m a little nervous. Any suggestions?

A: Hey, I know how scary it can be to eat food. Sometimes I even burst into tears when the waitress brings me my order. Your best bet is to just dive right in, starting with, let’s say, 2500 mg of THC. That’s nearly 167 recreational sized servings, so it’s going to be sorta spendy. Try to be around as many people as possible, like at Costco or WalMart during the holiday shopping season. Focus your mind on everything that scares you. Really try to pinpoint all of the faults you find in yourself. Best of luck!

(Real answer? Do exactly the opposite of this, please.)