HELLO, READER! It’s me, Josh’s girlfriend. He’s taking the week off, because this gal-centric column is all about a product that’s Just for Ladies. Dudes and non-binary folks, you can read, too—just make sure you’re wearing pink and getting high!
One of the many benefits of dating a weed columnist is living in a house full of the marketing materials and samples that companies send to Josh to review. Still, I sometimes find myself thinking, “Ick! Why can’t the producers of these rough, rugged cannabis products make something specifically for me, a woman, and my specific, woman-related needs?” So I was thrilled when Josh got a big, pretty, pink envelope from W!NK, a brand “designed by women for women.” I’m actually not even sure how they expected him to review it, what with his being a man and all, so it was a good thing I was ready to jump in!
Officially, W!NK is selling two vape pens and a line of cartridges. But what they’re really selling is their brand, which is all about the things we women need and love. The great thing about “women” as a meaningful marketing demographic is that what’s good for one female-identified and/or lady-part-havin’ gal is good for all of us—W!NK hit that carefully manicured nail on its freshly styled head! I was particularly delighted that the W!NK Signature Pen is “reminiscent of high-end mascara wands and is designed to fit effortlessly into a make-up bag or small handbag.” Have you ever heard of a woman who doesn’t love high end-mascara and small handbags? I only earn 70 cents on the dollar, but I wouldn’t dream of buying low-end mascara, right, ladies?!?
And I really appreciate how the battery and cartridge are slightly different sizes, creating a ridge where they screw together. That’s just the sort of lady-type detail that I, as a woman, look for. My only concern is that the W!NK Signature Pen actually won’t fit in my small handbag—it’s already stuffed to the limits with tampons, lipstick, diet pills, and pink pepper spray for when I get groped on TriMet (someday I’ll learn to stop asking for it!).
W!NK also has a patented line of lady-enticing flavor cartridges under their Terpessence brand. This not-at-all-gross-sounding name, which could never be mistaken for a word meaning “vomit” or “flaccid penis,” has lots of fun flavors that are tailored directly to my needs, as a woman. They didn’t actually send any of these cartridges (or anything else to try the lady pen with), but I know that I would love anything as creatively named as Appledream™ or Tangibright™. I’m definitely excited to try Bubblewish™, which appeals to a lady’s naturally childlike sense of wonder. If Josh gives me permission—and some money—I’ll be excited to try it out!
I can’t tell you how many times I have walked my lady-self out of the dispensary empty-handed because they only had rugged, masculine vape pens with sports on them, or yucky cartridges that don’t taste like fruit or good feelings. I’m so glad my days of gender-neutral cannabis products are finally behind me. Best of all, W!NK products are “low in potency,” which provides me, a woman, with a “safe and desirable cannabis experience.” Because all women are naturally small in size, weak, and fragile, this is exactly what we’ve been looking for. I know that I, as a woman, wouldn’t have known where to find a lower dose—let alone managed to get it into my delicate woman body!—without buying a product designed just for me.
W!NK’s spokespersonwoman notes, “The cannabis industry has not provided an experience to serve the female audience,” and that “women deserve a premium cannabis experience.” I guess they just took a look around, saw the rampant sexism in the cannabis industry, and thought, “That’s bad, and also we can make money from it.” I’m excited for more women-friendly products to hit the cannabis market. Perhaps one day they can make a vape pen that doubles as a rape whistle, is 30 percent less expensive, and provides free daycare.
It’s a great time to be a woman.