GETTY IMAGES / YARYGIN

Donald Trump, Donald Tramp
Living in the men’s shelter
Wonder Bread bag shoes
And singing “Helter Skelter”

—Beastie Boys, “Johnny Ryall”

SINCE NOVEMBER 8, one question has kept coming up in cannabis circles—a question primarily asked in tones of anguish and fear: “What do you think Trump is going to do about cannabis?”

While this question has been examined a few times in these very pages, each day in this weird new world brings us hints of new information. Now that we’re a bit further along in this surreal, real-life sequel to Idiocracy, it’s worth delving a little deeper. You may want to have the cannabis product of your choosing at hand for the rest of this column, because I doubt this is going to qualify as a feel-good piece.

First of all, everything here is pure speculation. Among the many, many challenges Emperor Pussy Grabber presents is that he has zero consistency in his positions. So it’s difficult to extrapolate from his past ramblings a solid outlook on almost any matter, including cannabis. But let’s try and work out what’s possible.

Scenario 1: The Song Remains the Same

Under this scenario, states with medical and/or adult-use (AKA recreational) programs would be allowed to continue as they have, with little to no interference from the Pumpkin Monster. Provided they stay within the boundaries laid out by the Cole memorandum—that game-changing document penned by an Obama Justice Department attorney in 2013 that said that if states with adult-use programs abide by several common-sense requests, the Feds won’t take action. Best case scenario.

Scenario 2: Mama Said Knock You Out

Here, Attorney General nominee (as of press time) Jeff “12 Years a Slave WASN’T a comedy?” Sessions unleashes an Alabama ass-whuppin’ on cannabis businesses, resulting in widespread arrests, asset forfeiture, and probably more than a few armed standoffs between law enforcement and growers who aren’t down for taking some stupid redneck’s shit. Personally, this is my biggest fear and the worst-case scenario—bloodshed and convictions over people growing plants. Thankfully, the resulting public backlash would probably make this the least likely option.

Scenario 3: I Wanna Be Sedated

In which Mister Microhands allows states to keep their existing medical programs, but shuts down adult-use/recreational. Sadly, this is what I am betting on being most likely. Fewer people have an issue with cannabis for legit medical purposes than they do for recreational ones, and no, we don’t have enough space here to debate if all cannabis use is medical.

Scenario 4: Money (That’s What I Want)

Captain Clueless realizes the most dangerous thing about cannabis is that the Feds aren’t profiting enough from it, so he pushes to have a federal tax put in place on sales. Which would only serve to drive more consumers to the black market, and place additional burdens on the industry players who have abided by the ludicrous rules, regulations, and fees imposed upon them by ill-informed state and city regulatory agencies. (Excepting Oregon. Y’all are great, and I’m sure there are completely legitimate reasons for the fee structures in place, even if they are vastly out of sync with what you charge the alcohol industry. Probably because of all the cannabis related deaths, huh? And because alcohol has been proven to be completely harmless. Yeah, that must be it.)

Scenario 5: Brothers Gonna Work It Out

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The phrase “states’ rights” is certainly a sword used to justify many Federal-level decisions, but it’s possible it could be beaten into a plowshare for cannabis. There are billions in revenue that could be generated for numerous coffers with changes to tax codes, banking laws, and rescheduling, so that’s a selling point. Besides, isn’t the GOP the party of fewer regulations and an undying belief in free-market economics?

Enough people are now enjoying (relatively) unfettered access to cannabis that it may be too late to change course. In the minds of many, access is now a right. But I haven’t seen the rogue’s gallery of nominees the Great Dictator has paraded in front of us sounding like they are remotely in favor of people having more rights. Just look at all the women who marched last weekend—no one is suffering from the delusion that the incoming administration believes we should have greater freedoms with what to do with our bodies. If we are to overgrow the government, it’s going to take luck, hard work, and industry-wide organization.