getty / cinoby

I managed to stay healthy since March of last year, despite being surrounded this winter by numerous friends who fell victim to the flu going around. I never even got a cold. “Probably because I take really great care of myself,” I smugly announced whenever the subject came up.

The universe took my smugness as a challenge, and as I write this, I’m on day five of being humbled beyond belief.

Between epic bouts of vomiting and a triple digit fever, I’ve tried to stay positive. But I’m failing miserably, so this week’s column is a fever-dream rant against all the things in the cannabis world that just need... to... stop.


DAB-SMOKING VIDEOS ON INSTAGRAM

Posting a video of yourself taking the big, bigger, biggest dab hit ever needs to stop. Why are you doing this? Do you want recognition that you have working lungs? Fine, champ—kudos to you and your functioning respiratory system! Do you want me to comment, “Whoa, dude, that looks awesome!”? Nah, I’m not going to do that. The same way I wouldn’t if there were a video of someone chugging a 40, or devouring an entire pizza in one sitting. (Admittedly, I have done the latter, but I’ve certainly never imagined anyone wanted to watch me do it.) Inhalation isn’t entertaining. It’s called breathing.


POT LEAVES ON EVERY ARTICLE OF CLOTHING

I recently went to the DOPE Industry Awards ceremony, going in lieu of a client who was nominated. It was a black-tie affair, which some people took to mean wearing clothing covered head-to-toe with cannabis leaves. A tie with a single leaf on it is making a subtle statement; having every inch of your outfit covered in them looks desperate. At the annual Dunkin’ Donuts franchise awards ceremony, people don’t show up in tuxes covered in donut imagery. Unless you think the Riddler had it going on sartorially, tone it down.


CALLING GOOD CANNABIS FLOWER "FIRE"

Unless you are 25 or younger, stop doing this. There are numerous free online thesauruses, so use one of them to find other words that mean "spectacular," "amazing," etc. Do your small part by using the majesty of our language to craft better terminology.

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NOT LISTENING TO LADY-PEOPLE

The day before the flu struck me down, I produced an event. One of the sponsors was a brilliant international traveler who has forgotten more about cannabis and terpenes than most people will ever know, and her company has some truly groundbreaking work underway. Yet I watched while one white male after another opted to interrupt, talk over her, and loudly proclaim that yeah, they already knew that, because they were doing the thing in question long before anyone else had even considered it. In a surprise to no one who has ever left the house, the women in attendance were attentive listeners who didn’t feel the need to assert dominance over the conversation, and their exchanges were based on respectful, engaged listening. Guys, I recently confirmed this with a physician: Your penis will not become permanently flaccid if you shut your ever-flapping jaws and let a woman talk. Not doing so, however, ensures that no woman will want to see said penis anytime soon.


OVERSHARING

Christ on a crutch, cannabis industry people, nothing makes me want to see you fail more than being subjected to your social media posts of insipid platitudes and boastful statements. These fall into two categories: How you are hustling and struggling harder, earlier, and longer than anyone else, or how much your enemies and opponents don’t get how hard you are, and how their transgressions against you are just making you stronger, and how they will suffer your wrath when you ascend to the throne. Two insights: Real ballers don’t waste valuable time that could be used in doing actual work by crafting pathetic posts about how hard they’re working. Furthermore, it’s highly suspect that your haters are obsessively following your social media feeds just to see if you are getting stronger, and then quaking in fear when you state as much. Try this: Embrace stoicism. Keep it to yourself. No one cares. You aren’t scaring anyone. Just because you can post doesn’t mean you should.