A MARRIAGE MADE BY MERCURY
Would you like to get "married," but you're afraid it will end in "divorce"? Then maybe you should be married by Mercury Editor WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY—who has legally married scads of couples (and not a single one has ended in divorce*)! Yes, Humphrey is a true ordained minister and will officiate your in-Oregon-state wedding, as well as offer pre-marital counseling! You'll also get one $75 bridal bouquet or arrangement from THE MEADOW (3731 N Mississippi). Plus this package also comes with a $100 gift certificate to the wonderful GYPSY ROSE SPA (1418 E Burnside), so you can get massaged, waxed, and your hair did. (Why? Because crappy-looking hair is the third leading cause of divorce, silly.)
*Yet.
Bid Now!
BEST LUNCH BREAK EVER
Luckily, Portland's best lunch cart, THE WHOLE BOWL (thewholebowl.com), has donated not just one, but 10 of their healthy, delicious rice bowls—and that's a good thing, because once you've tried their sauce, you'll be addicted. When you're done eating, you'll get to feed your soul with 10 yoga classes at YOGA SHALA (yogashalapdx.com), and then—get this!—a massage package (including an in-home one hour massage and two hours of chair massage for your co-workers) from PORTLAND MOBILE MASSAGE (portlandmobilemassage.com). Finally, something in your workaday life to look forward to.
BABY TIME
Show off how cool you think your baby is with a bunch of rockin', witty, and adorable infant wear, including a '50s-style piece from local artist KLUTCH, four onesies with liberal slogans, two cool political coloring books, and an awesome "Motorcycle Island" blanket and crib sheet from BABY WIT (babywit.com). Then show how much you love your baby-mama by treating her to a one hour massage and facial at EQUILIBRIA MASSAGE & SKINCARE (1536 NW 23rd), where she can be pampered and relax those baby blues away.
HUNKY CONSTRUCTION WORKER
Former Mercury Managing Editor PHIL BUSSE loves him some construction work! And with his sparking blue eyes, boyish blond curls, and strapping physique, you'll love watching Phil do construction work—for two whole hours! Does that banister need fixin'? That drywall need hangin'? Do you just need to watch Phil parade around in tight overalls? Then don't wait any longer—bid now and bid often!
PICNIC WITH A (FORMER) PIMP
BOB ARMSTRONG (AKA "Vanilla Slim") used to be a San Francisco pimp with a stable of call girls. He's now reformed—thanks to a stint in the SF County jail—and a hysterical author, whose autobiography, Vanilla Slim: An Improbable Pimp in the Empire of Lust, had us in stitches when it was released last year. Learn about the world's oldest profession—lust, seduction, commerce, and punishment—all over a Mercury-prepared picnic. Plus! Get an autographed copy of his book, which will have YOU simultaneously laughing and convulsing.
MERCURY JOB SWAP
Ever wonder what it's like to work at the Mercury? (We do too. Haha.) Well, wonder no more, you wonderful wonderer. If you have the bidding dexterity to swoop in and grab this one, you will be a Mercury employee for a day! Will you type fiery, exciting stories that illuminate the human condition? Will you spend all day swilling PBR, eating Club 21 fries, and playing our Xbox games? The possibilities are endless! APPROXIMATE VALUE: ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS
POSH DINNER WITH MERCURY PUBLISHER ROB CROCKER!
Beg him for a job! Tell him whom to fire! Offer to buy the Mercury from him for three dollars! Rob Crocker's the ultimate Renaissance man—not only ruthless in business, but also adept in the art of fine dining, and a veritable master of engaging conversation. You pick the restaurant, and he'll pay (...you, to be dazzled by his wit). APPROXIMATE VALUE: $300
COOL BOY STUFF
Hey there, cool boy. This irresistible lot of goodies is just for you. It includes a shit-hot painting from JESSE RENO (jessereno.com), a fun-filled package from VELVETERIA (518 NE 28th), including Ts, stickers, keychains, and passes, and also artwork from Too Much Coffeeman (tmcm.com). Hoo boy, that's not all. You'll also receive Ts from NO STAR (nostarclothing.com), and an $80 gift certificate for clothing and accessories at SAMEUNDERNEATH (915 N Shaver). We want you to strut your fine self around in your new threads, so you'll also get a $25 gift certificate to the WAYPOST (3120 N Williams), to enjoy tasty food and drinks with a friend or lover!
FASHIONISTA
Is your closet a mess? Your personal style in need of a little je ne sais quois? Don't despair; fashion columnist MARJORIE SKINNER and Crazy Coconut designer AMY ROSKO are here to help you out, with an afternoon of fashion assistance, including an in-house wardrobe consultation, and a $75 shopping spree at FROCK (2940 NE Alberta). Plus, you'll get a one-of-a-kind, custom-made top made with hand printed fabric by Crazy Coconut and designed by LEANIMAL! Start the new year off with a new look!
DARK HORSE GIFT PACK
Rad! Here's your chance to get a ton of killer stuff from Portland's own DARK HORSE COMICS (darkhorse.com)! You'll get a super-cool Kotobukiya Princess Leia model, a journal inspired by Neil Gaiman's Mirror Mask, two hardcover art books (Fairies and The Art of Vampire Hunter D), and a set of Kellogg's nostalgia figures (including Tony the Tiger and Snap, Crackle, and Pop) to spruce up your breakfast table. APPROXIMATE VALUE: $250
PIX PATISSERIE EMPLOYEE OF THE WEEK
The winner of this package will be crowned Employee of the Week at Portland's most fabulous dessert empire: PIX PATISSERIE (pixpatisserie.com)! Duties include: quality control (AKA chocolate tasting!), creating a brand-new cocktail for the North Pix location, optional participation in the Pix Employee Talent Show, and, if you feel like getting your hands dirty, helping out Pix's pastry chefs in the kitchen. You will also join other select Pix employees for a limo ride to some of Portland's finest restaurants—and of course, you'll be eligible for the Exceptional Employee Discount: a free dessert and beverage every day for a week at each of the three Pix locations. You'll never have a better job than this one! APPROXIMATE VALUE: PRICELESS
BEJEWELED BY GILT
I don't know, but I've been told that if you're super rich or famous, you can just call up the store you feel like shopping at and they will shut the whole thing down just for you, so that you—you!—can benefit from the full, undivided attention of the sales staff in helping you pick out the items that will be most absolutely devastating on you, darling. Live the dream at GILT (720 NW 23rd), where you and up to three of your friends will have two hours of after-hours private shopping, with two members of the Gilt staff to aid in spending the $300 gift certificate that comes included, plus refreshments. Gilt is among Portland's best sources for artisan and vintage jewelry from near and far, so don't sleep on this one!
NEW YEARS DREAM DATE
Make this New Year's Eve a memorable one for you and a date! This item gives you two tickets to see PINK MARTINI play their big show, kicking off 2007 with a big beautiful bang! This dream night also includes a $40 gift certificate to the charming LE HAPPY (1011 NW 16th) restaurant, where you can dine on crêpes of all sorts, from the savory to the sweet to the clever (such as the "white trash," which includes a Pabst!), crisp salads, or even a delectable steak!
VEGAN DELIGHT
Christmas gifts are on everyone's mind right now, but there are plenty of people with birthdays coming up too! Vegan people! And, contrary to popular belief, vegans like food, too! Show your favorite vegan some love with a BLACK SHEEP BAKERY (blacksheepbakery.com) vegan birthday cake, plus 50 vegan cookies of your choosing from MONKEY WRENCH (myspace.com/monkeywrenchveganbakery).
