If you've attended the Mercury and Northwest Film Center's Summer Movie Megathon (eight weeks of campy films made better by beer), then you know it's been one of the most raucous events of the summer. Audience favorites such as The Goonies, Bottle Rocket, and Glitter were met with big crowds intent on guzzling inexpensive beer and screaming their opinions at the screen.

Thusly, every event so far has been leading up to the Megathon's grand finale--the Super-Secret Mysterious Mystery Film! Why a secret? Because if we tell you, you may accidentally blab it to the wrong person, and we'll all get in trouble. However! What we can tell you is this is one freaking OUT OF CONTROL movie that contains the following elements: Japanese-style chop-socky, violence, gore, hot teens, a famous director, and of course, everyone's favorite--EXPLOITATION.

Need more? No problem. Here's what the critics say about our mystery film:

"One of the most controversial films this year...Fucking Awesome!" --Hollywoodbitchslap.com

"Catapults you from the cinema into a state of breathless disbelief."--Film Written Magazine

"If it wasn't for the sight of young girls in school uniforms being gunned down in a blaze of machine-gun fire, the stupidity of the storyline might be more apparent."--iofilm.com

NOW ARE YOU CONVINCED? No? Well, how about the fact that you get to drink beer and yell at the screen as much as you like?

NOW ARE YOU CONVINCED? No? Then it's time to throw down our trump card. Along with brew-ha-ha and a great mystery film, we will also have a super-duper special guest to introduce the feature, and that person's name is... FRANK CASSANO.

That's right: Frank Cassano of "Frank Cassano's Imbecile Parade" will say a few insulting words, and give away some insulting door prizes to our lucky and insulted audience. This is a really special occasion, because Frank Cassano hates the Mercury, which means this could be your only chance to see this iconic asshole in all his fleshiness.

NOW ARE YOU CONVINCED? Whew... I was hoping you would be. See you there! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY