it's a horrible x-mas dance party with the portland mercury!

Starring the Honorable Revered Aaron "Angelface" Beam and DJ's The Multnomen Ash Street, 225 SW Ash, 226-0430 Sat, Dec 14, 9 pm, $5

Official Announcement from the Reverend:

Each year, as Christ's birthday rolls around, Baby Jesus chooses the most corrupt souls in the world and tortures them. It is sweetly poetic that they must suffer horrible acts of God's kindness during the happiest time of the year. When bad things happen to bad people, it is of course, God teaching the individual a lesson. And when others learn of these tales of (deserved) personal suffering, it is God teaching a lesson to many. Thus, The Bible.

In much the same way that the Holy Book teaches heathens many lessons of "what not to do," I plan to perform a similar service at the Mercury's Annual Holiday Dance Party. An event characteristically riddled with lewd dancing, excessive alcohol consumption, and public fornication, this seems like a perfect time to spread the Word of God.

From the vile, heathenous readers of the Mercury, I have collected true stories of their worst holiday experiences. And at the Mercury's sinful dance party, I will read aloud these lesson-steeped stories to the accompaniment of improvised re-enactments by the prize-winning Mercury Drama Team (Might as well use my directing skills, too). It was only through delicate diplomacy (NOT blackmail--right, Justin? Does the word "sausage incident photographs" mean anything to you?) that I was able to convince Mercury employees to assist me in this endeavor.

A selection of titles to be performed are: "3 Days, 3 Deaths," "God Hates the Sick and Lonely," "Grandma Doesn't Love You and Neither Does God," and "12-Year-Old Hussy Learns Her Lesson."

Through these teachings, I hope to educate those in attendance of the consequences of their ways and encourage them to repent and accept Baby Jesus as their Lord and Savior. In so doing, they will ensure that the Christmases of the future will be filled with both gaiety and heaps of presents--and not alcohol. I also hope to put a pallor over their attempts at frivolity through dancing, gluttony, gallivanting, and general ballyhoo.

Learning the fates of their evil-doing brethren may just save the souls of sinners. If not in this world, then in the next.