sniffing out santas

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was five years old. That Christmas, my parents "rented" a Santa Claus to show up for our Christmas dinner and ho-ho-ho. A beanpole of a man in a natty outfit, he looked like Father Christmas after a few years in a refugee camp. He also reeked of booze and cigarettes. That night, my sugar plum fantasies crashed and burned.

It's taken until now for me to rekindle my adolescent love for Christmas. Last year, I even cried at the end of "Miracle on 34th Street," and this year I'm actually planning to visit some Santa Clauses.

There are plenty of great Santas to choose from. I'm skipping Meier & Frank--their Santas are big, fake-bearded posers. Instead I'll head over to Petsmart in Tigard! On Saturday and Sunday, Santa will be available to sit for photos with your pet dog, cat, hamster, boa constrictor, gold fish, or even iguana. Just like with kids, you should "water" your pet before letting him/her sit on Santa's lap. And no aggressive pets, please. Photos (and a commemorative ornament) are $9.95. (7500 SW Dartmouth Rd, Tigard, 684-3234, Sat & Sun 11 am-6 pm)

A more traditional Santa with a red suited lap for you to sit on is on the outskirts of town at the Alpenrose Dairy. What makes this Santa so good is that the dairy has a BMX track open during store hours. (6149 SW Shattuck Rd, 244-1133; Santa available Sunday 11 am - 5 pm).

While Santa is letting kids and pets sit in his lap, a naughty Mrs. Claus is also keeping/gettin' busy during the holiday season, working overtime at the Exotica strip club (she'll sit in your lap). Sure to make your candy cane stand up and dance, the sexiest ladies in town have spiced up their routines with Mrs. Claus and Santa helper outfits. No photos, though! (240 NE Columbia, 285-0281, 11 am-2:30 am)

For those who prefer to be Santa instead of see Santa, a new bike advocacy group in town is encouraging cycle-commuters to take their generosity to the streets. Founding SHIFT member Amy Stock explains, "We are encouraging individuals to spontaneously present fellow cyclists with small, homemade or locally purchased gift items." Items from Walmart are not allowed. "Home-baked treats, stickers and reflectors make great gifts," Stock continues. "When you are stopped at a light or locking up outside the grocery store, simply present your gift to the cyclist next to you and thank them for making the commitment to ride their bike." The program is called Cycle Santas. (More information at www.shifttobikes.org, or call 539-6686.)

Merry Christmas. Santa rules! PHIL BUSSE