it's new year's eve!

First things first. New Year's Eve can and should be an apocalyptic evening of fun, debauchery, hot desperate sex, and oodles of alcohol. You may not, like an unlucky friend of mine, want to spend it passed out in your car from drunkenness. In order to avoid this unsavory fate, practice the following 3:2:1 plan (or stock up on lots of cocaine). The 3:2:1 is simple. Before you leave the house, drink three pint glasses of water. Enjoy one alcoholic beverage. Drink two more glasses of water. Enjoy another beverage. One more glass of water, and you are now ready to suck down as many libations as you like, amazing yourself and friends with your inhuman stamina.

Now that you're ready for an all-nighter, entertain yourself with the Mercury's New Year's Eve picks. You'll find them conveniently located below.

• Blackbird, 3728 NE Sandy--A typical night of madcap antics with Portland's absurdist art punks: Point Line Plane, The Planet The, Nice Nice, 9 pm sharp, $3.

• Canita, 503 W. Burnside--Fancy yourself Nathan Detroit? Bet your luck by spending "New Year's Eve in Havana" and dance the Cuban-flavored night away with Ramsey y Los Montunos.

• Darcelle XV & Crush--See My, What a Busy Week

• Mt. Tabor Pub, 4811 SE Hawthorne--A super laidback evening of funky, '70s-style soul/ R&B. Silky, Public Groovement, 9 pm, $8-10.

• Nocturnal--See My, What a Busy Week

• Ohm, 31 NW 1st--DJ Sweet & Low, Dahlia, DJ Josh Banks, Lifesavas (see Portland's hiphop pride and joy one last time before they break the eff out) $15-20.

• Pioneer Square--Portland tries to be NYC with a midnight ball drop and the tunes of Hit Explosion, 8 pm-midnight, free.

• Tiffany Center, 1410 SW Morrison--Fun, safety, and "bubbly" abound in a New Year's fit for Fanny Brice. Pink Martini, Los Mex Pistols del Norte, Durango Park, Karaoke From Hell, DJs Aquaman and Mr. Funky, 9 pm, $30.

• Satyricon--Newly retired fancylads with buttrock sass meet slutty PDX garage rockers who give them a run for their money. The Makers, Exploding Hearts, The Punk Group (Punk), 10 pm, $10.

• Saucebox, 214 SW Broadway--Nobody wants to feel like crap on New Year's, and the gleaming, jazzy house of UK DJ goddess Bougie Soliterre and Mr. MuMu keep you from the mire. 10 pm, $10. KATIE SHIMER & JULIANNE SHEPHERD