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Hey, you’re cool, right? 

You have a hip haircut, on-point non-prescription glasses, a wardrobe that’s trailblazing without being too Donner Party, and your apps are all beta. You and your squad are certainly “down” and “woke” about “what” is “up,” and that includes the nicknames you use for cannabis. 

I mean, there’s “weed,” “cheeba cheeba,” “pot,” um... “Mr. Green Jeans,” and... uh....

Okay, maybe you aren’t so sure that your clever code words for cannabis are as up-to-the-minute as what other people are using. Don’t freak out, because I totally have your back (the one covered in tattoos of Bazooka Joe comics with the dialogue replaced with quotes from Nietzsche).

The totally coolest government agency you could ever hope to kick it with, the Drug Enforcement Agency, has published exactly what you need to know about the lingo being used by the youngs. (Which you are still, too, of course, Dorian Gray.) They added new terms for all drugs, not just the jazz tobacco. 

There are some I have never, ever  heard before, but you can be sure I am going to start using them at my local dispensary, and if I get a puzzled look from the budtender, I’ll sigh heavily and repeat it, just louder and slower. This is going to be great! (Except for the budtenders, for whom this will suck.)

A partial list of terms we should all use when referring to cannabis from now on: 

• Love Nuggets

• Young Girls (“Hello, good budtender, I’d like to please buy some...” Yeah, this one is not going to end well AT ALL.)

• Mowing the Lawn 

• Loaf

• White-Haired Lady (DEA, your fascination with women at either end of the age spectrum is kinda freaking me out.)

• Shoes

• Laughing Grass

• Dinkie Dow

• Good Giggles

• Smoochy Woochy Poochy (Just say it out loud. I dare ya.) 

The sources used to collect these terms are described “law enforcement and open sources,” one of which may have been a secret and hilarious stoner ally within the beast that submitted some of the more ridiculous examples of this laughable lexicon—like “Pocket Rocket” and “Stems.” The report includes “Drugs to Slang” and “Slang to Drugs” sections for easy reference. An app would be even more helpful, especially for cannabis products I haven’t heard of, such as the heroin and cannabis combo called A-Bomb. 

Concentrates are better represented by real terms actually used by real people, not someone just screwing with you by using goofy made-up terminology that simply does not exist. Bambalachacha? NO ONE SAYS THAT.