New Column!

All articles tagged "New Column!"

Comedy Mar 12 4:00 AM

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: “Are You Voting for Biden or Bernie?”

Frank Cassano

Comedy Feb 27 4:00 AM

New Column! “I Passed My Hep C Test!” by Ryan Seacrest

Ryan Seacrest

Comedy Feb 13 4:00 AM

New Column: "I Think I Caused the Coronavirus" by Billy Ray Cyrus

Billy Ray Cyrus

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Comedy Jan 30 4:00 AM

New Column!: Tip Her a Fiver! by Adam Driver

Adam Driver

Hey Lovebirds! It’s Time to Submit Your FREE <i>Mercury</i> Valentine!

New Column! Jan 16 4:00 AM

Hey Lovebirds! It’s Time to Submit Your FREE Mercury Valentine!

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Comedy Dec 19 4:00 AM

The “Decade in Review” Match Game!

Wm. Steven Humphrey

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New Column! Dec 19 4:00 AM

Send Us Your “Online Dating War Story”—and Win Big Bucks!

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Comedy Nov 21 4:00 AM

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: “What Are You Thankful For?”

Frank Cassano

Announcing the 2020 <i>Portland Mercury</i> FOOD WEEK Schedule

Comedy Nov 7 4:00 AM

Announcing the 2020 Portland Mercury FOOD WEEK Schedule

Wm. Steven Humphrey

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Comedy Oct 24 4:00 AM

Portland’s Most Haunted Places (That You Never Knew Were Super Fucking Haunted)!

Mercury Staff

Comedy Oct 10 4:00 AM

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: Should Donald Trump be Impeached?

Frank Cassano

Comedy Sep 26 4:00 AM

New Column: Another White Guy Drops Out of 2020 Democratic Presidential Race

Donald Henderson

Events Sep 12 4:00 AM

Quick! Get Your Tickets Now for the Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy 2019!

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Comedy Aug 29 4:00 AM

One Hulk’s Opinion: Hulk SMASH Puny Jay Inslee!

The Incredible Hulk

Movies & TV Aug 15 4:00 AM

Hurry Up Already! Entries for the 2019 HUMP! Film Fest are Due September 13!

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Comedy Aug 1 4:00 AM

You’re Wrong About That! (Portland Edition)

Francine Colman-Gutierrez

Comedy Jul 18 4:00 AM

Two Months After Announcing Presidential Bid, Another White Guy Declares Himself the Democratic Nominee

Donald Henderson

America, Make No Mistake—I <i>WILL</i> Disappoint You

Comedy Jul 4 4:00 AM

America, Make No Mistake—I WILL Disappoint You

Former Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller

Comedy Jun 20 4:00 AM

In Unanimous Vote, Portland Pets Vow to Bite the Ass of Anyone Using Fireworks

Donald Henderson

Like Sex and Comedy? Then You’ll Love <i>Talkin’ Dirty with Shrista & AJ</i>!

Events Jun 6 4:00 AM

Like Sex and Comedy? Then You’ll Love Talkin’ Dirty with Shrista & AJ!

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Comedy May 23 4:00 AM

In Crowded Democratic Field, Another White Guy Announces Bid for 2020 Presidency

Donald Henderson

Comedy May 9 4:00 AM

Radical E-Scootin’! by Vladmir Putin

Vladimir Putin

Comedy Apr 25 4:00 AM

Ask a Guy Who’s Just Standing There on the Pedestrian Bridge Over I-5

the Guy Who’s Just Standing There on the Pedestrian Bridge Over I-5

Comedy Apr 11 4:00 AM

Ask a Mansplainer!

The Mansplainer

Comedy Mar 14 4:00 AM

Li’l Robert Mueller Mysteries: The Case of the Dubious President

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Comedy Feb 28 4:00 AM

You’re Wrong About That: Your Mustache

Francine Colman-Gutierrez

Comedy Feb 14 4:00 AM

Ask a Soiled Mattress Down by the River

Soiled Mattress Down by the River

Comedy Jan 31 4:00 AM

The Sinus Infection Report

Erik Henriksen

New Column! Jan 17 4:00 AM

Hey Lovebirds! It’s Time to Submit Your FREE Mercury Valentine!

Wm. Steven Humphrey

The <i>Mercury</i>’s Absolutely, 100 Percent Guaranteed Accurate, Predictions for 2019!

Comedy Jan 3 4:00 AM

The Mercury’s Absolutely, 100 Percent Guaranteed Accurate, Predictions for 2019!

Mercury Staff

Comedy Dec 20 4:00 AM

Baby New Year Can Go Straight to Hell

Old Man Last Year

Comedy Dec 6 4:00 AM

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: "What Do You Want from Santa This Year?"

Frank Cassano

Comedy Nov 22 4:00 AM

“Just Puttin’ Out Feelers!” by Mayor Ted Wheeler

Comedy Nov 8 4:00 AM

“Both Sides” Journalism Presents... “Carton of Spoiled Milk: Dangerous or Simply Misunderstood?”

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Comedy Oct 25 4:00 AM

Last Minute Halloween Costume Ideas!

Mercury Staff

Be On the Lookout for These... <i>SCAMS!</i>

Comedy Oct 11 4:00 AM

Be On the Lookout for These... SCAMS!

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Imbecile Parade Sep 27 4:00 AM

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade

Should the Mercury Have a Conservative Columnist?

Frank Cassano

New Biweekly <i>Mercury</i> Slogans That Were Quickly Rejected

Comedy Sep 13 4:00 AM

New Biweekly Mercury Slogans That Were Quickly Rejected

Mercury Staff

Comedy Aug 22 4:00 AM

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade!

This Week’s Question: What Do You Think of Portland’s New E-Scooters?

Frank Cassano

Events Aug 15 4:00 AM

Don’t Miss the Undisputable Fun of the Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy!

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Comedy Aug 8 4:00 AM

Move Over, E-Scooters! HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICKS Are Coming to Portland!

Fuck Your E-Scooter!

Comedy Aug 1 4:00 AM

Introducing... SCROOT™!

Portland’s Newest E-Scooter Company for Bros Who Say “Scroo” the “Roolz”!

Don’t Miss America’s Funniest Night of Comedy... <i>THE I, ANONYMOUS SHOW!</i>

Events Jul 25 4:00 AM

Don’t Miss America’s Funniest Night of Comedy... THE I, ANONYMOUS SHOW!

Comedy Jul 18 4:00 AM

Ask Your Next Door Neighbor, Hank Henderson

Hank Henderson

SEX Jul 11 4:00 AM

Submit Your Dirty Film to HUMP! (Where the Grand Prize is... $10,000!?!)

Comedy Jul 4 4:00 AM

Ask an ICE Agent!

Everything You Wanted to Know About ICE (But Were Afraid to Ask)

Jake Lawson, Agent of ICE

Don’t Miss the July Edition of the <i>I, Anonymous Show</i>!

Events Jun 27 4:00 AM

Don’t Miss the July Edition of the I, Anonymous Show!

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Comedy Jun 20 4:00 AM

Meet Connor Chadbourne, Fillmore Elementary’s Child Ombudsman

Events Jun 13 4:00 AM

Quick! Get Your Tickets Now for the Best of HUMP!

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Comedy Jun 6 4:00 AM

Fleet Week Tips from the Royal Canadian Navy

Able Seaman Liam Tremblay

Comedy May 30 4:00 AM

Celebrate Trump’s Latest Fuck-Up with This Beautiful “Failed North Korea Summit” Commemorative Coin!

Comedy May 23 4:00 AM

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade

This Week’s Question: What’s Your Favorite Fun Summer Activity?

Frank Cassano

Politics May 16 4:00 AM

One Hulk’s Opinion: Election Results from the Incredible Hulk

The Incredible Hulk

Politics May 9 4:00 AM

One Hulk’s Opinion

More Editorial Endorsements from the Incredible Hulk

The Incredible Hulk

Comedy May 2 4:00 AM

One Hulk’s Opinion

Election Endorsements from the Incredible Hulk

The Incredible Hulk

Confessions... Rants... LAUGHS! It’s the <i>I, Anonymous Show</i>—Wednesday, May 2!

Comedy Apr 25 4:00 AM

Confessions... Rants... LAUGHS! It’s the I, Anonymous Show—Wednesday, May 2!

Mercury Staff

Comedy Apr 18 4:00 AM

An Exclusive Excerpt from James Comey’s A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership

James Comey’s New Memoir Offers Shocking Information and Striking Insights

James Comey

Looking for Fun? The <i>Mercury</i>’s THINGS TO DO is the Best Entertainment Calendar in Town!

Events Apr 11 4:00 AM

Looking for Fun? The Mercury’s THINGS TO DO is the Best Entertainment Calendar in Town!

New Column! Apr 4 4:00 AM

What’s the Scoop?

Hope You’re Ready for Some SCOOPS!

Sam “Scoopy” Sanderson

<i>Secrets! Rants! Confessions!</i> The I, Anonymous Show Is Coming April 4!

Events Mar 28 4:00 AM

Secrets! Rants! Confessions! The I, Anonymous Show Is Coming April 4!

Hosted by Portland’s Funniest Person Caitlin Weierhauser!

Mercury Staff

Events Mar 21 4:00 AM

Get Your Tickets NOW for the Best of HUMP!

Catch up on the Finest Short Porn Flicks from 10 Years of Your Favorite Dirty Film Fest

Comedy Mar 14 4:00 AM

Stormy Daniels’ Memoir Mad Libs!

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Comedy Mar 7 4:00 AM

Robert Mueller’s Russia Probe Word Search!

Don’t Miss the March Edition of the <i>I, Anonymous Show!</i>

Event Feb 28 4:00 AM

Don’t Miss the March Edition of the I, Anonymous Show!

Comedy Feb 21 4:00 AM

Match the Scandal!

Can you match the Trump cohort to his/her multiple scandals?

Wm. Steven Humphrey

New Column! Feb 14 4:00 AM

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade

This Week’s Question: What Are Your Valentine’s Day Plans?

Frank Cassano

Comedy Feb 7 4:00 AM

Congressman Devin Nunes’ UNCLASSIFIED MEMO MAD LIBS!

Hey, Kids! Help the GOP Win the Disinformation Wars!

SEX Jan 31 4:00 AM

Get Your Valentine Printed in the Mercury… for FREE!

Submit a Valentine Message to Your Loved One by Monday, February 12!

Find What You’re Looking for with the <i>Mercury</i>’s THINGS TO DO Calendar!

Events Jan 24 4:00 AM

Find What You’re Looking for with the Mercury’s THINGS TO DO Calendar!

It’s the BOSSEST Event Calendar in Portland!

Mercury Staff

Comedy Jan 17 4:00 AM

DatingProfiles.com Presents... Our “Catch of the Day!”

Find Out if Steve Bannon is the Man for You!

Who I’d Cast in the <i>Fire and Fury</i> Movie

Comedy Jan 10 4:00 AM

Who I’d Cast in the Fire and Fury Movie

(Or, Why Hasn’t Hollywood Hired Me Yet? Are They Stupid?)

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Comedy Jan 3 4:00 AM

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: "What Are Your New Year's Resolutions?"

Frank Cassano

Yay! The <i>I, Anonymous Show</i> Returns!

Events Dec 27 4:00 AM

Yay! The I, Anonymous Show Returns!

Featuring Caitlin Weierhauser and a Panel of Laff Makers!

The <i>Mercury</i>’s Guide to Holiday Letters!

Comedy Dec 20 4:00 AM

The Mercury’s Guide to Holiday Letters!

Comedy Dec 13 4:00 AM

New Column!

GoFundMe Spotlight: Aquaman needs your help!

Aquaman

Comedy Dec 6 4:00 AM

New Column!

Apologies in Advance

Don’t Miss the December Edition of the <i>I, Anonymous Show</i>!

Events Nov 29 4:00 AM

Don’t Miss the December Edition of the I, Anonymous Show!

Hosted by Caitlin Weierhauser and a Panel of Verrrry Funny People!

HUMP! Nov 22 4:00 AM

New Column!

Announcing the Winners of HUMP! 2017

New Column! Nov 15 4:00 AM

Ask Aquaman!

All Your Questions—Answered by the Ruler of the Seven Seas!

Aquaman

Hey Pen Lovers! Don’t Miss... The <i>Portland Mercury</i>’s BALLPOINT PEN WEEK!

Comedy Nov 8 4:00 AM

Hey Pen Lovers! Don’t Miss... The Portland Mercury’s BALLPOINT PEN WEEK!

We’re proud to introduce the best Mercury Week ever!

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Comedy Nov 1 4:00 AM

New Column

Your Secret Confessions... Your Angry Rants... It’s the I, ANONYMOUS SHOW!

Wm. Steven Humphrey

SEX Oct 25 4:00 AM

Don’t Miss Your Chance to See HUMP! 2017!

Tickets Are Going Fast!

Wm. Steven Humphrey

Comedy Oct 18 4:00 AM

New Column!

Need a Crime Solved? Then “Ask Benny Henderson, the Child Detective™”

Benny Henderson

Comedy Oct 11 4:00 AM

New Column!

The Return of “Ask Benny Henderson, the Child Detective™”

Benny Henderson

Comedy Oct 4 4:00 AM

New Column!

Ask Benny Henderson, the Child Detective™

Benny Henderson

Events Sep 27 4:00 AM

New Column!

Get Your Tickets Now for the I, ANONYMOUS SHOW!

Food and Drink Sep 20 4:00 AM

New Column!

Get Ready: Portland Veg Week is Coming!

Comedy Sep 13 4:00 AM

New Column!

This Week on Nextdoor (With Special Guest Frank Cassano!)

Comedy Sep 6 4:00 AM

New Column!

This Week on Nextdoor (Guest Starring Frank Cassano!)

Events Aug 30 4:00 AM

New Column!

Don’t Miss the September Edition of the I, Anonymous Show!

Mercury Staff

Event Aug 23 4:00 AM

New Column!

Get Your Tickets Now for... the Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy 2017!

Comedy Aug 16 4:00 AM

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: “What Are You Doing for the Solar Eclipse?”

Frank Cassano

New Column! Aug 9 4:00 AM

New Column!

I Didn’t Kill Your Stupid Cat, and I Am Insulted by the Insinuation

Phillip the Coyote

Comedy Aug 2 4:00 AM

New Column!

Ask a Motorist Stuck on the Hawthorne Bridge for 45 Minutes

Pets Jul 26 4:00 AM

New Column!

Enter Your Cute Pet in the Mercury’s Cutest Pet Photo Contest!

Frank Cassano Jul 19 4:00 AM

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade

How Do You Beat the Heat?

Frank Cassano

Event Jul 12 4:00 AM

It’s Time to Submit Your Entry for HUMP! 2017!

Hurry Gp and Get Sexy for HUMP! 2017

Events Jul 5 4:00 AM

New Column!

Together at Last: The I, Anonymous Show and Lez Stand Up!

Comedy Jun 28 4:00 AM

New Column

Enough with the Fucking Fireworks Already

Reverend Scraps, Portland Dog Ambassador

Media Jun 21 4:00 AM

New Column!

Should the Mercury Have a Conservative Columnist?

This Week’s Question: What Do You Think of Portland’s New E-Scooters?

Fuck Your E-Scooter!

Portland’s Newest E-Scooter Company for Bros Who Say “Scroo” the “Roolz”!

Everything You Wanted to Know About ICE (But Were Afraid to Ask)

This Week’s Question: What’s Your Favorite Fun Summer Activity?

More Editorial Endorsements from the Incredible Hulk

Election Endorsements from the Incredible Hulk

James Comey’s New Memoir Offers Shocking Information and Striking Insights

Hope You’re Ready for Some SCOOPS!

Hosted by Portland’s Funniest Person Caitlin Weierhauser!

Catch up on the Finest Short Porn Flicks from 10 Years of Your Favorite Dirty Film Fest

Can you match the Trump cohort to his/her multiple scandals?

This Week’s Question: What Are Your Valentine’s Day Plans?

Hey, Kids! Help the GOP Win the Disinformation Wars!

Submit a Valentine Message to Your Loved One by Monday, February 12!

It’s the BOSSEST Event Calendar in Portland!

Find Out if Steve Bannon is the Man for You!

(Or, Why Hasn’t Hollywood Hired Me Yet? Are They Stupid?)

Featuring Caitlin Weierhauser and a Panel of Laff Makers!

GoFundMe Spotlight: Aquaman needs your help!

Apologies in Advance

Hosted by Caitlin Weierhauser and a Panel of Verrrry Funny People!

Announcing the Winners of HUMP! 2017

All Your Questions—Answered by the Ruler of the Seven Seas!

We’re proud to introduce the best Mercury Week ever!

Your Secret Confessions... Your Angry Rants... It’s the I, ANONYMOUS SHOW!

Tickets Are Going Fast!

Need a Crime Solved? Then “Ask Benny Henderson, the Child Detective™”

The Return of “Ask Benny Henderson, the Child Detective™”

Ask Benny Henderson, the Child Detective™

Get Your Tickets Now for the I, ANONYMOUS SHOW!

Get Ready: Portland Veg Week is Coming!

This Week on Nextdoor (With Special Guest Frank Cassano!)

This Week on Nextdoor (Guest Starring Frank Cassano!)

Don’t Miss the September Edition of the I, Anonymous Show!

Get Your Tickets Now for... the Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy 2017!

I Didn’t Kill Your Stupid Cat, and I Am Insulted by the Insinuation

Ask a Motorist Stuck on the Hawthorne Bridge for 45 Minutes

Enter Your Cute Pet in the Mercury’s Cutest Pet Photo Contest!

How Do You Beat the Heat?

Hurry Gp and Get Sexy for HUMP! 2017

Together at Last: The I, Anonymous Show and Lez Stand Up!

Enough with the Fucking Fireworks Already

Brand New Taglines for Fox News

Just Can't Get Enough?

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