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Where to Find the Mercury Near You! 👀
The BLACK INNOVATION Issue 💡
Get Your Tickets Now for the GENIUSES OF COMEDY! 😂
New Column!
All articles tagged "New Column!"
Mercury 25th Anniversary Issue
Jul 31
3:48 AM
The Failure Parade
A look back at the
Mercury
’s most unsuccessful “New Columns.”
Frank Cassano
Comedy
Mar 12
4:00 AM
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: “Are You Voting for Biden or Bernie?”
Frank Cassano
Comedy
Feb 27
4:00 AM
New Column! “I Passed My Hep C Test!” by Ryan Seacrest
Ryan Seacrest
— Advertisement —
Comedy
Feb 13
4:00 AM
New Column: "I Think I Caused the Coronavirus" by Billy Ray Cyrus
Billy Ray Cyrus
Comedy
Jan 30
4:00 AM
New Column!: Tip Her a Fiver! by Adam Driver
Adam Driver
New Column!
Jan 16
4:00 AM
Hey Lovebirds! It’s Time to Submit Your FREE
Mercury
Valentine!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
— Advertisement —
New Column!
Dec 19
4:00 AM
Send Us Your “Online Dating War Story”—and Win Big Bucks!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
Dec 19
4:00 AM
The “Decade in Review” Match Game!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
Nov 21
4:00 AM
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: “What Are You Thankful For?”
Frank Cassano
— Advertisement —
Comedy
Nov 7
4:00 AM
Announcing the 2020
Portland Mercury
FOOD WEEK Schedule
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
Oct 24
4:00 AM
Portland’s Most Haunted Places (That You Never Knew Were Super Fucking Haunted)!
Mercury Staff
Comedy
Oct 10
4:00 AM
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: Should Donald Trump be Impeached?
Frank Cassano
Comedy
Sep 26
4:00 AM
New Column: Another White Guy Drops Out of 2020 Democratic Presidential Race
Donald Henderson
Events
Sep 12
4:00 AM
Quick! Get Your Tickets Now for the Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy 2019!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
Aug 29
4:00 AM
One Hulk’s Opinion: Hulk SMASH Puny Jay Inslee!
The Incredible Hulk
Movies & TV
Aug 15
4:00 AM
Hurry Up Already! Entries for the 2019 HUMP! Film Fest are Due September 13!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
Aug 1
4:00 AM
You’re Wrong About That! (Portland Edition)
Francine Colman-Gutierrez
Comedy
Jul 18
4:00 AM
Two Months After Announcing Presidential Bid, Another White Guy Declares Himself the Democratic Nominee
Donald Henderson
Comedy
Jul 4
4:00 AM
America, Make No Mistake—I
WILL
Disappoint You
Former Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller
Comedy
Jun 20
4:00 AM
In Unanimous Vote, Portland Pets Vow to Bite the Ass of Anyone Using Fireworks
Donald Henderson
Events
Jun 6
4:00 AM
Like Sex and Comedy? Then You’ll Love
Talkin’ Dirty with Shrista & AJ
!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
May 23
4:00 AM
In Crowded Democratic Field, Another White Guy Announces Bid for 2020 Presidency
Donald Henderson
Comedy
May 9
4:00 AM
Radical E-Scootin’! by Vladmir Putin
Vladimir Putin
Comedy
Apr 25
4:00 AM
Ask a Guy Who’s Just Standing There on the Pedestrian Bridge Over I-5
the Guy Who’s Just Standing There on the Pedestrian Bridge Over I-5
Comedy
Apr 11
4:00 AM
Ask a Mansplainer!
The Mansplainer
Comedy
Mar 14
4:00 AM
Li’l Robert Mueller Mysteries: The Case of the Dubious President
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
Feb 28
4:00 AM
You’re Wrong About That: Your Mustache
Francine Colman-Gutierrez
Comedy
Feb 14
4:00 AM
Ask a Soiled Mattress Down by the River
Soiled Mattress Down by the River
Comedy
Jan 31
4:00 AM
The Sinus Infection Report
Erik Henriksen
New Column!
Jan 17
4:00 AM
Hey Lovebirds! It’s Time to Submit Your FREE
Mercury
Valentine!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
Jan 3
4:00 AM
The
Mercury
’s Absolutely, 100 Percent Guaranteed Accurate, Predictions for 2019!
Mercury Staff
Comedy
Dec 20
4:00 AM
Baby New Year Can Go Straight to Hell
Old Man Last Year
Comedy
Dec 6
4:00 AM
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: "What Do You Want from Santa This Year?"
Frank Cassano
Comedy
Nov 22
4:00 AM
“Just Puttin’ Out Feelers!” by Mayor Ted Wheeler
Comedy
Nov 8
4:00 AM
“Both Sides” Journalism Presents... “Carton of Spoiled Milk: Dangerous or Simply Misunderstood?”
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
Oct 25
4:00 AM
Last Minute Halloween Costume Ideas!
Mercury Staff
Comedy
Oct 11
4:00 AM
Be On the Lookout for These...
SCAMS!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Imbecile Parade
Sep 27
4:00 AM
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade
Should the
Mercury
Have a Conservative Columnist?
Frank Cassano
Comedy
Sep 13
4:00 AM
New Biweekly
Mercury
Slogans That Were Quickly Rejected
Mercury Staff
Comedy
Aug 22
4:00 AM
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade!
This Week’s Question: What Do You Think of Portland’s New E-Scooters?
Frank Cassano
Events
Aug 15
4:00 AM
Don’t Miss the Undisputable Fun of the Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
Aug 8
4:00 AM
Move Over, E-Scooters! HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICKS Are Coming to Portland!
Fuck Your E-Scooter!
Comedy
Aug 1
4:00 AM
Introducing... SCROOT™!
Portland’s Newest E-Scooter Company for Bros Who Say “Scroo” the “Roolz”!
Events
Jul 25
4:00 AM
Don’t Miss America’s Funniest Night of Comedy...
THE I, ANONYMOUS SHOW!
Comedy
Jul 18
4:00 AM
Ask Your Next Door Neighbor, Hank Henderson
Hank Henderson
SEX
Jul 11
4:00 AM
Submit Your Dirty Film to HUMP! (Where the Grand Prize is... $10,000!?!)
Comedy
Jul 4
4:00 AM
Ask an ICE Agent!
Everything You Wanted to Know About ICE (But Were Afraid to Ask)
Jake Lawson, Agent of ICE
Events
Jun 27
4:00 AM
Don’t Miss the July Edition of the
I, Anonymous Show
!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
Jun 20
4:00 AM
Meet Connor Chadbourne, Fillmore Elementary’s Child Ombudsman
Events
Jun 13
4:00 AM
Quick! Get Your Tickets Now for the Best of HUMP!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
Jun 6
4:00 AM
Fleet Week Tips from the Royal Canadian Navy
Able Seaman Liam Tremblay
Comedy
May 30
4:00 AM
Celebrate Trump’s Latest Fuck-Up with This Beautiful “Failed North Korea Summit” Commemorative Coin!
Comedy
May 23
4:00 AM
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade
This Week’s Question: What’s Your Favorite Fun Summer Activity?
Frank Cassano
Politics
May 16
4:00 AM
One Hulk’s Opinion: Election Results from the Incredible Hulk
The Incredible Hulk
Politics
May 9
4:00 AM
One Hulk’s Opinion
More Editorial Endorsements from the Incredible Hulk
The Incredible Hulk
Comedy
May 2
4:00 AM
One Hulk’s Opinion
Election Endorsements from the Incredible Hulk
The Incredible Hulk
Comedy
Apr 25
4:00 AM
Confessions... Rants... LAUGHS! It’s the
I, Anonymous Show
—Wednesday, May 2!
Mercury Staff
Comedy
Apr 18
4:00 AM
An Exclusive Excerpt from James Comey’s A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership
James Comey’s New Memoir Offers Shocking Information and Striking Insights
James Comey
Events
Apr 11
4:00 AM
Looking for Fun? The
Mercury
’s THINGS TO DO is the Best Entertainment Calendar in Town!
New Column!
Apr 4
4:00 AM
What’s the Scoop?
Hope You’re Ready for Some SCOOPS!
Sam “Scoopy” Sanderson
Events
Mar 28
4:00 AM
Secrets! Rants! Confessions!
The I, Anonymous Show Is Coming April 4!
Hosted by Portland’s Funniest Person Caitlin Weierhauser!
Mercury Staff
Events
Mar 21
4:00 AM
Get Your Tickets NOW for the Best of HUMP!
Catch up on the Finest Short Porn Flicks from 10 Years of Your Favorite Dirty Film Fest
Comedy
Mar 14
4:00 AM
Stormy Daniels’ Memoir Mad Libs!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
Mar 7
4:00 AM
Robert Mueller’s Russia Probe Word Search!
Event
Feb 28
4:00 AM
Don’t Miss the March Edition of the
I, Anonymous Show!
Comedy
Feb 21
4:00 AM
Match the Scandal!
Can you match the Trump cohort to his/her multiple scandals?
Wm. Steven Humphrey
New Column!
Feb 14
4:00 AM
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade
This Week’s Question: What Are Your Valentine’s Day Plans?
Frank Cassano
Comedy
Feb 7
4:00 AM
Congressman Devin Nunes’ UNCLASSIFIED MEMO MAD LIBS!
Hey, Kids! Help the GOP Win the Disinformation Wars!
SEX
Jan 31
4:00 AM
Get Your Valentine Printed in the Mercury… for FREE!
Submit a Valentine Message to Your Loved One by Monday, February 12!
Events
Jan 24
4:00 AM
Find What You’re Looking for with the
Mercury
’s THINGS TO DO Calendar!
It’s the BOSSEST Event Calendar in Portland!
Mercury Staff
Comedy
Jan 17
4:00 AM
DatingProfiles.com Presents... Our “Catch of the Day!”
Find Out if Steve Bannon is the Man for You!
Comedy
Jan 10
4:00 AM
Who I’d Cast in the
Fire and Fury
Movie
(Or, Why Hasn’t Hollywood Hired Me Yet? Are They Stupid?)
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
Jan 3
4:00 AM
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: "What Are Your New Year's Resolutions?"
Frank Cassano
Events
Dec 27
4:00 AM
Yay! The
I, Anonymous Show
Returns!
Featuring Caitlin Weierhauser and a Panel of Laff Makers!
Comedy
Dec 20
4:00 AM
The
Mercury
’s Guide to Holiday Letters!
Comedy
Dec 13
4:00 AM
New Column!
GoFundMe Spotlight: Aquaman needs your help!
Aquaman
Comedy
Dec 6
4:00 AM
New Column!
Apologies in Advance
Events
Nov 29
4:00 AM
Don’t Miss the December Edition of the
I, Anonymous Show
!
Hosted by Caitlin Weierhauser and a Panel of Verrrry Funny People!
HUMP!
Nov 22
4:00 AM
New Column!
Announcing the Winners of HUMP! 2017
New Column!
Nov 15
4:00 AM
Ask Aquaman!
All Your Questions—Answered by the Ruler of the Seven Seas!
Aquaman
Comedy
Nov 8
4:00 AM
Hey Pen Lovers! Don’t Miss... The
Portland Mercury
’s BALLPOINT PEN WEEK!
We’re proud to introduce the best
Mercury
Week ever!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
Nov 1
4:00 AM
New Column
Your Secret Confessions... Your Angry Rants... It’s the
I, ANONYMOUS SHOW!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
SEX
Oct 25
4:00 AM
Don’t Miss Your Chance to See HUMP! 2017!
Tickets Are Going Fast!
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Comedy
Oct 18
4:00 AM
New Column!
Need a Crime Solved? Then “Ask Benny Henderson, the Child Detective™”
Benny Henderson
Comedy
Oct 11
4:00 AM
New Column!
The Return of “Ask Benny Henderson, the Child Detective™”
Benny Henderson
Comedy
Oct 4
4:00 AM
New Column!
Ask Benny Henderson, the Child Detective™
Benny Henderson
Events
Sep 27
4:00 AM
New Column!
Get Your Tickets Now for the I, ANONYMOUS SHOW!
Food and Drink
Sep 20
4:00 AM
New Column!
Get Ready: Portland Veg Week is Coming!
Comedy
Sep 13
4:00 AM
New Column!
This Week on Nextdoor (With Special Guest Frank Cassano!)
Comedy
Sep 6
4:00 AM
New Column!
This Week on Nextdoor (Guest Starring Frank Cassano!)
Events
Aug 30
4:00 AM
New Column!
Don’t Miss the September Edition of the I, Anonymous Show!
Mercury Staff
Event
Aug 23
4:00 AM
New Column!
Get Your Tickets Now for... the Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy 2017!
Comedy
Aug 16
4:00 AM
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: “What Are You Doing for the Solar Eclipse?”
Frank Cassano
New Column!
Aug 9
4:00 AM
New Column!
I Didn’t Kill Your Stupid Cat, and I Am Insulted by the Insinuation
Phillip the Coyote
Comedy
Aug 2
4:00 AM
New Column!
Ask a Motorist Stuck on the Hawthorne Bridge for 45 Minutes
Pets
Jul 26
4:00 AM
New Column!
Enter Your Cute Pet in the
Mercury
’s Cutest Pet Photo Contest!
Frank Cassano
Jul 19
4:00 AM
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade
How Do
You
Beat the Heat?
Frank Cassano
Event
Jul 12
4:00 AM
It’s Time to Submit Your Entry for HUMP! 2017!
Hurry Gp and Get Sexy for HUMP! 2017
Events
Jul 5
4:00 AM
New Column!
Together at Last:
The I, Anonymous Show
and Lez Stand Up!
Comedy
Jun 28
4:00 AM
New Column
Enough with the Fucking Fireworks Already
Reverend Scraps, Portland Dog Ambassador
Next