Dearest Readers,
Itâs with great excitement that I introduce the newest incarnation of the Portland Mercury, which is bigger, easier on the eyes, and published on a biweekly schedule (thatâs every other Thursday, 26 times per year). Youâll find lots to get hot ânâ bothered about in the new Mercury, including beefier news stories and features, calendars that span two weeks (so you can make your entertainment plans early), new columns (like the one youâre currently reading, Elinor Jonesâ This Too Shall Pass, and... a new sports column?? WHAAAT THAAA FAAAAACK?!?!?!), plus the usual gang of whip-smart critics who make sure your valuable weekends donât turn into a dumpster fire trainwreck.
Oh, right... and then thereâs the new crossword puzzle.
Iâll be honest with you. I fucking HAAAAATE crossword puzzles. In fact, when I was designing the first-ever Mercury back in 2000, multiple people asked if weâd be adding a crossword to the mix. My response: âAs god as my witness, I will NEVER put a crossword puzzle in the Mercury, and donât EVER ask me again!â Unfortunately, you ignored my explicit wishes, and kept asking for a crossword puzzle... for 18 freaking years.
So yeah, Iâll admit it! You wore me down. Congratulations, squeaky wheels of the world! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! (Thatâs a sarcastic ovation, if you didnât know.) Thanks to your incessant nagging, Iâve betrayed my strongest belief, exposed myself as a hypocrite, and lost the hard-earned respect and goodwill of an entire city. And it was all so YOU can become another coffee-shop-lounging waste of space, spending hours diddling away at a pointless puzzle that you think makes you look smart, when in fact everyone assumes youâve been stood up on Tinder.
I DONâT LIKE CROSSWORD PUZZLES, and for two very good reasons: (1) Puzzle people are like those happy bike riders who pedal by my house on Sunday afternoon while Iâm mowing my stupid grass or enduring some other act of torture. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE SO MUCH FREE TIME?? Iâm busy as fuck 24-7, and yes, I resent everyone who isnât... and Iâm looking at YOU, puzzle people! And (2): Hey, crossword puzzle makers! Instead of asking me to figure out what you mean by âa seven-letter word for Hippolytaâs Warriors,â why donât you cut out the passive-aggressive bullshit and just tell me?
BUT... the decision is made, reader! I compromised my values, and you got your stupid crossword puzzle. AND I HOPE YOU ARE OHHHHHHH SOOOOOOO HAPPY. (Again, sarcasm.) But as long as youâre here, how about checking out some of our other articles as well? They actually tell you the answers instead of making you guess at them. And, as always, if you have any thoughts or feelings regarding the Mercury, feel free to share them with me at lovenotes@portlandmercury.com (but not on Facebook, I donât read that shit). So until next time, have a very nice nine-letter word meaning âa period of two weeks, or popular video game.â
Yer pal,
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Editor-in-Chief
Portland Mercury