Step 1: Be good family

The best place to find hot crones is at an old-folks home. "My friend Buck does it right," says Axl, 23. "He just walks up to the receptionist and says, 'I'm here to see my grandma, she's in room 16.' Once you're in, the old lady might say something like 'Who's that?' or 'You're not my son!' Just look hurt and tell the nurse it's Alzheimer's, and you'd like to be alone with your grandmother now, please."

Step 2: Get granny tanked

Her liver ain't what it used to be. The elderly have weak constitutions. That's good news for you. Get a few snifters of brandy in her to get things moving. Turn on the TV to M*A*S*H and give her a relaxing neck rub. It may take awhile, but stay focused, and just imagine what she can do after popping out those dentures.

Step 3: Still no action? Tell her you´re a doctor!

That's right--a doctor. Just like that nice "Hawkeye" from M*A*S*H. Be sensitive and witty. Call her "Hotlips," and casually mention you could hook her up with all the stool softeners a gal could ever want. Kindness and a little patience are the only things standing between you and the gum-job hummer of your dreams.