Baron Von Goolo's Museum of Horrors & Petting Zoo of the Unsettling

I-5 North to Exit 308, keep left,

In the Old Navy/Home Depot Complex over by Toys 'R' Us

To give away the scares in a haunted house would be criminal--a lot like seeing Fire Walk With Me before viewing the Twin Peaks series, thus destroying the sick anticipation of finding out "Who did kill Laura Palmer?" I mean really, would you even want to bother driving to Jantzen Beach and digging $3 out of your pocket if I told you that around the first corner a zombie was going to vomit blood onto another zombie's face? NO, that's not what happens... but Baron Von Goolo's Museum of Horrors & Petting Zoo of the Unsettling is scary.

In a cleaned out department store, the Museum is dark and contained, a pre-requsite of a truly teeth chattering haunted house. It opens up the possiblity of being dragged into the basement and dismembered, which hopefully won't happen to you.

The Baron has a knack for subtlety. The actors are eccentric and freaky--not stupid, yelling high school kids with chainsaws. The house's content is dark and unsettling, with a strong focus on death, and more specifically, your death. But even better are the creepy nuances and intense, detailed artwork, which, if not bone-chillingly scary, are seductively sick and brilliant.

The creatures who skulk around the lobby are yet another attraction. A man who resembled a black-cloaked Klan member followed my friend and me to the exit, saying, "You have such a nice neck, ohhh such a pretty neck, a lovely neck, [screaming] WE NEED MORE BLOOD!!" For a moment I thought he might chase me to my car; but then again, I was high on marijuana.

The other three haunted houses at the weird "Scream at the Beach" mall complex are bunk, plus they're more expensive; up to $7. And if you're some kind of haunted house junkie, Screamland at Oaks Park is lame, especially for $18 a person--although there is one freaky part where dead bloody people fly out of their coffins with knives.

So check out the museum and petting zoo. For the cheap admission, you even get a moist towlette (and I bet you want to know why, but I'm not going to tell you... AHHH HAA HAAA!!!). And hey, if the Baron's haunts aren't horrifying enough for you, go spend five minutes at the Jantzen Beach Plaid Pantry... you'll probably shit your pants. KATIE SHIMER