porn swap

Sun, Nov 3, 9 pm

Lucky Inn 440 NE 28th, 233-6937 $1, (100% benefits Danzine, free for sex industry workers)

Hmm. I'm going through my porn collection like, "Dude, I masturbated to this a million times already; this one has that dude with a hairy back who always derails my orgasms; this one has too much plot, not enough tits... " Then I hear about the porn swap they're having at Lucky's, which I've been meaning to check out anyways because I noticed they've been futzing with the décor.

Here's what need to happen: First of all, jerk off to all your tapes and mags in order to test which ones still turn you on or if you still have soft spots for certain scenes. Then please, pretty please with a cherry on top, grab a sponge and just give your old smut a good once over. Nobody wants to touch your grody jizz crust. Well, maybe they do, but that's the sort of thing that you should generally ask people's permission for first.

Now gather up your old lovas in a nice fat sack, and bust it on down to the porn swap! There, you'll contribute your has-beens to a massive pile of used porn. You will then find yourself in a poorly lit room with a bunch of sex-obsessed, perverted, chronic masturbators (because those are the only people who watch porn, right?)! And there's only one thing to do in a situation like that--get drunk with the hairy-handed rascals!

In the meantime, the divine local lush DJ Meee-oww will wheel the steel, while you play kinky games and win prizes, all the while chasing around hot voyeurs you want to lay and smacking those you don't. Speaking of grubby, the event will be hosted by Garcia The Dirty Hippy, who will hopefully not be practicing his Portland Organic Wrestling moves on you.

As if all of this randy nonsense isn't enough to get you in the mood for some lovin', self-administered or otherwise, there will probably be some hottie strippers lurking about. Good thing it's only a buck to get in, that way there'll be some extra green in our pockets for wooing the beautiful people. Just don't be a drunken jerk or you'll wind up on Danzine's bad date list. Or get clocked with a stiletto.

The best part is that you'll leave with new-to-you pornographic videos, DVDs, and magazines that you've blindly selected out of the collection. That's right: blind! It'll be just like having sex with a real person for the first time! You won't know what you get 'til you get their pants off, or in this case, pop in the tape! MARJORIE "FIRE PANTS" SKINNER