ladies' night

Delta Cafe, 4607 SE Woodstock

Thurs Jan 16, Free (Tips appreciated)

Ladies. Do any of you still have those girlfriends--you know, the ones who still want to have weekend sleepovers, do facials, listen to NKOTB, eat Doritos, and talk about the last time they got felt up. I don't either-- my cynicism has driven them all away--but truthfully, sometimes I kinda miss 'em.

It's just not as fun when I force my boyfriend into facial night, or my friend Brodie into an evening ear candling and movies, because frankly, they don't care if their skin is ruddy or their ears are waxy. It's not their fault; they're men. They care about their own stuff, like Hamms oil cans, Fantasy Football, and Katie Holmes.

However, despite the inadequacies of my unprimping handful of hangout buddies, I'm not willing to make a bunch of sorority friends just so I have someone to paint the nails on my right hand. Solution? The Delta's ladies' night.

Ah yes, primp, dance, drink, all in the dim light of your neighborhood watering hole. This is week number one of the lady-centric pamper-a-thon, and the Delta boasts services from reflexology, to massages, to cosmetic enchancement, (plus cosmetologists will be hanging out, giving away coupons for facials, manicures, and pedicures). All this excitment while you luxuriously sip your tangy Movie Star (it's a cocktail, try it, you won't be sorry). If you're still skeptical of beauty in the bar, it would be worth a stop by alone for the dance/funk turntabling of Hang the DJ. Cut a rug, or peel away those unsightly layers of dead skin; it's your choice!! In addition, the oh-so-generous Delta will be providing drink specials catered to the smarter sex, and a "designated hitter"; a gentleman employed to pay women compliments, buy their drinks, and most likely, attempt to finagle some inter-mammary intercourse (but with you looking as hot as a microwave pizza pocket, who can blame him?).

So call up that one girlfriend you have who doesn't wear men's briefs--or call her too, why be prejudiced?--and head down to the Delta for some salon style pampering without the salon style price tag. (Note to Katie Holmes: bitch betta be sharpening your lip pencil.)

P.S. If you'd like to offer your beautification services to a host of potential clients, or if you'd like to offer your hitting/humping services in the form of a designated hitter, email

P.P.S. Good looks not your thing? Try the Delta's Spiritual Sundays with free tarot card readings. KATIE SHIMER