People say it's hard to do stuff with your jeans on. Well I'm here to tell you it ain't. See, for one, jeans are real easy to get. You can get 'em at Target, or at Wal-Mart, or at, you know, your local shopping mall. I didn't pay shit for mine 'cuz I grabbed 'em out of the dumpster out back behind the Plasma Center. But even if you pay for yours, you can get 'em pretty cheap.

To put them jeans on it's real easy: you stick one leg in one side, and one leg in the other, and then you just zip the things up and you're good to go. If your jeans are real tight you want to watch so you don't fall on your ass while you're puttin' 'em on. This happens to me a lot when I'm drunk. Try leanin' an ass cheek against the wall and pullin' 'em up the ass cheek that ain't leanin'. Then: switch ass cheeks.

Once you got the jeans on and you're walkin' around, there's tons of fun to be had:

Swimmin'. Ain't nothin' better than takin' my shirt off, grabbin' my buddy Chris and his pitbull and a couple 40s, and headin' straight for the swimmin' hole. Jeans is fun to swim in 'cuz they get real heavy and stick to your legs and balls. It's a good workout swimmin' in 'em 'cuz they're so damn heavy, so you can burn off some of that Old E and your old lady'll quit bitchin' about your beer gut.

Workin' on the truck. I like workin' on my truck a lot, 'specially when I got my jeans on (Hell, when do I DON'T got my jeans on?). It's a 1997 Dodge Ram with bumpin' speakers and big ol' naked lady mud flaps. One time Chris' dog took a shit in the back but I didn't get mad or nothin' 'cuz Chris' old lady Lucinda and I had just screwed around in there the week before while he was at work. I figured not gettin' pissed at his dog was a pretty good trade.

Watchin' TV. Again: best to do this one with your shirt off, or with the wife beater on if it's kind of cold in the trailer. You should watch a shitload of TV 'cuz it's good and because after extended exposure, the combination of your jeans and your sweat and body weight'll make a little imprint in the couch cushions that you can return to again and again. Don't watch sexual stuff, though, like porn or MTV while you got your jeans on, 'cuz if you pop wood it chafes like a bitch.

Sex. Sometimes if I can't get it up 'cuz of the malt liquor, I keep my jeans on and dry-hump my old lady. Good, tight jeans make a hard little point in the crotch if you bend just right, and you can use that point to stimulate a woman's cooter, 'specially if she's had a kid or two and is all stretched out. Just watch you don't ejaculate inside your jeans 'cuz that just isn't fun.

Cookin' meth. I don't like wearin' nice clothes when I'm cookin' meth, but jeans are good 'cuz they give you some room to move, and if you drop chemicals on your leg they don't burn as fast as polyester. And if you piss yourself 'cuz you're tweakin' or 'cuz a cop drives by, don't worry 'cuz piss don't stain jeans. They're absorbent like those paper towels on TV.

Gettin' probed by aliens. Chris said that once he was walkin' his dog near the landfill when this big, silvery orb descended from the sky and zapped him with a pink beam. He said it was some sort of magnetic ray that pulled him up into the orb where aliens strapped him to a table and tried to stick probes into all his different orifices. He said they got one up his nose and down his throat, but that they couldn't get one up his asshole!! Know why? 'Cuz he had his jeans on, that's why! Ever since I heard that I ain't never gone out without my jeans on. Ain't no alien gonna stick his rod up my asshole.

PLACES TO GO SWIMMIN' WITH YOUR JEANS ON

Devil's Punchbowl: Great cliff jumping. But careful about how you land. Two years ago, some local hit the water spread-eagle and shoved his testicles into his body cavity--at least that's what the paramedics told us when they fished my friend out of the water there. Hike two miles in on the Eagle Creek trail, Exit 41 from I-84

Detroit Lake bridge: Just because you can't afford a motorboat like those yuppie bastards doesn't mean you can't get in the water. Anyway, the 30-foot jump from the pedestrian bridge is as exciting as any wakeboarding.

East on Hwy 22 from I-5 (near Salem); for more sites (and inspiration) check out: bridgejumping.com

Clackamas River: The bracing cold water keeps the beer cold. Grab some innertubes and float down the river. Bring an extra tube so that your cooler can travel with you.

From I-205, take the Estacada exit; follow Route 224/212 until the roads split; follow 212 to the right and down towards the river.