Christine Knight, Acupuncturist Alberta Street Acupuncture 1829 NE Alberta, Ste. A

Whether you've broken your hand at boxing practice or broken your heart on some bastard, acupuncture can help. The Chinese have been perfecting it for 3,000 years, and word on the street is it's oftentimes more effective than Western medicines for chronic disorders like depression, anxiety, sexual dysfunction, and infertility. Even the blind bats in the US government have had to acknowledge acupuncture's success in treating serious addiction, and have been throwing tons of money at it for the last 10 years.

A former professional dancer and acrobat in NYC and Australia, Christine Knight originally tried acupuncture 15 years ago after a shoulder injury left her unable to perform. She continued to seek treatment for physical pain, but it wasn't until her divorce years later that she realized the immense benefits acupuncture provides for mental and emotional wellbeing. It was around this time that she took the needle into her own hands and started at the Oregon College of Oriental Medicine.

Knight's had her own practice now for three years, where she sees around 25 devoted clients a week. She visits public clinics too, where she works with drug addicts, alcoholics, and HIV/AIDS patients. She's also the unofficial acupuncturist of Mary's Club, and the girls there will swear by her no-bullshit philosophy and deft needlework.

One thing you're known for is calling people on their bullshit.

I'm trying to help people, so I'm not gonna let them get away with things that are unhealthy for too long.

What are the most common ailments people seek acupuncture for?

Low back pain, neck and shoulder pain. Most of these ailments come from sitting.

Any Portland-specific ailments?

Paddling injuries... shoulder cuff. A fair amount of running injuries, especially around the Hood to Coast [Relay].

What about alcoholism and Seasonal Affective Disorder?

Absolutely. We see quite a bit of that here, though we don't recommend treating addiction in private practice, but rather in a group format.

So sexual dysfunction... you guys can get it up?

Absolutely. A lot of the time sexual dysfunction is due to emotional reasons, and we can help indirectly with that.

What's the number-one thing you recommend to people to keep them healthy?

A positive outlook. The glass is half full. Find serenity whenever you can.

But that's hard! Can you fix pessimism?

Absolutely. We treat whatever ails you. VIVA LAS VEGAS