Wm. Steven Humphrey
Editor, Portland Mercury
605 NE 21st

My boss, Wm. Steven Humphrey, got a little wound up by last week's "Karaoke Dos & Don'ts." Known to "warm it up" on the karaoke circuit himself, he has a few tips for the KJs. Oh sorry, not that kind of tip. Presenting the first ever "KJ Dos & Don'ts":

-- DO stop telling me what to do: "KJs are always climbing up in my grill: 'Stop swinging the mic!' 'No dancing on the tables!' 'Don't sing and smoke at the same time!' Christ! If I wanted to be nagged, I'd stay home with my wife!"

-- DO stop begging for tips: "Strippers get tips. Waitresses get tips. People who WORK get tips. KJs don't get tips."

-- DO get off your freaking high horse: "You're not an artist, and you're not a cop. Your job is simple: facilitate my drunken, moronic behavior. There should be only one rule in karaoke: Sing 'American Pie' and get stabbed in the face."

Lafitte DuBlanc
From the French Consulate
United Nations, NYC

For crying out loud. Clearly, this is just another lame attempt by my boss to denigrate KJs and get more air time. But, I'm in no position to argue with a man who has firecrackers in his desk and a grasshopper loose in his office that he insists is his "friend." So take it away, "Lafitte":

-- DON'T play requests in whatever freaking order you please: "You know, KJs can be easily replaced with a computer. I was in line before your slutty friend, so I'm singing first. End of story."

-- DON'T chastise me for singing in a funny voice: "I am what's known as 'a vocal stylist.' So if I want to sing the Spin Doctor's 'Two Princes' in the voice of Donald Duck, that's hardly any concern of yours."

-- DON'T sing more than two songs a night: "Did we come to this bar to endure an evening of the KJ singing stupid hillbilly songs? NO. No, we did NOT. Everyone came to hear ME sing. So step off the mike, fatass."