"Dr. President"
Unemployed (Off and On) for Whole Life

[Our final installment of "Unemployed Picks" offers sage wisdom on unemployment lifestyle choices. Next week, we'll go back to work. Sigh.] When you don't have a job, unfortunately, you still have to pay "rent." Prez' (occasionally) manages to do so in these creative ways:

• Start a church: "You can get a tax benefit if you're a pastor. I started the church of 'The Force.' I think it's a full write-off."

• Reapply for food stamps: "When you get Oregon food stamps, they'll give you some and ask you to go to their job finding meeting. Don't go, then do it again."

• Sell your body: "Be a prostitute. If it's at First Thursday it must be performance art. That's legal, right?"

• Sell your eggs/plasma: "When you sell your plasma it's like a free high, two fer one. Girls can get up to $5,000 for their eggs, but without a high."

• Be a guinea pig: "Studies are going on all the time, check www.craigslist.org. Once I was given $60 for reading Cosmo for 15 minutes because they couldn't use me that day."

Joe Munsinger
Unemployed for Eight Months

Juggling school and playing in a band (Nordic) isn't easy. Joe sees unemployment not as a roadblock to life, but a blessing of free time:

• Grow your hair: "Nothin' sticks it to The Man like hair. If you're a guy, try a mustache too."

• Stop worrying about The Man: "He's not worrying about you, he's busy making hell on Earth."

• Start a business: "Try ordering a business off one of those late-night commercials."

• Get a cheap four-track tape recorder: "I'm waiting to hear your tales of ennui set to acoustic strumming and beats."

• Leave town: "Merle Haggard sang 'Down every road, there's always one more city.' They're all chock-full of opportunity. I've been on the run for 10 years."