New Column
Debate on the
Planet of the Apes

Today's Topic: Did apes evolve from humans?

Taking the "con" viewpoint is Dr. Zaius, Minister of Science and Chief Defender of The Faith. The opposite opinion will be argued by "Taylor," a talking human mutant claiming to be an "astronaut from another planet."

Dr. Zaius: Good evening. As to the preposterous question of whether apes evolved from man, my case is simple: It is based on our first Article of Faith from The Sacred Scrolls. "The almighty created the ape in His own image; that He gave him a soul and a mind: that He set him apart from the beasts in the jungle, and made him lord of the planet." Yet, certain perverted scientists--Dr. Zira--continue to advance an insidious conspiracy called "evolution." It's heresy!

Taylor: You BASTARD! This hearing is ABSURD!

Dr. Zaius: Silence! This wretched man is only a pawn in the conspiracy. We know he was wounded in the throat at the time of his capture. The state charges that Dr. Zira experimented on this wounded animal; tampering with his brain and throat tissues, to create a speaking monster!

Taylor: That's a dirty LIE!

Dr. Zaius: Mind your tongue, human!

Taylor: You did that to my friend! You removed his frontal lobes!

Dr. Zaius: You are a menace! A walking pestilence!

Taylor: You destroyed his memory! His MIND! And you want to do the same to ME!!

Dr. Zaius: Stop this outburst! Bailiff! Restrain this monstrosity! I demand the tribunal place you in my custody for final disposition. Emasculation to begin with. Then, experimental surgery. On the BRAIN. Ultimately, a kind a living death!

Taylor: Barbarians! All right. You can cut me to pieces. It's within your power. But know this, doctor. You do it because you're afraid of me. You do it from fear!!

Dr. Zaius: Take the non-ape filth away!

Taylor: Get yer stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty ape! You louse! You hairy scum! Apes wearing human clothes! It's a madhouse! A MADHOUSE!