I, Anonymous Jan 15, 2009 at 4:00 am

Beardos Are Not Weirdos

Comments

1
Bummer :(
2
This is embarrassing.
3
Whats fixed gears?
4
What is the problem here? Fixed gears or beards? This rant is made of fail. Bad job subbie.
5
I'm just bearded because I'm lazy.

But 'cowardly'? What am I cowardly...Of? (Toward?)
6
AMAZING! Seriously best I Anon in months. I'm over the fixie bullshit as well. Ride that shit at the Velodrome fools, not on Division, with no helmet, on your cell phone, not cool, just stupid.
7
The real creative types are wearing beards of bees these days.
8
Hey Marq! Fixed gears are the bikes without brakes. Talk to Jeff Rad about them. NOT A FAN!

But really: what's the ruse here? Why so hatey? It's just BS style choices. Dudes who say charming things and like kittens are way less annoying and rant-worthy than...well, most things. I'm with Graham: FAIL.
9
wow... what time you have spent worrying about others... congratulations
10
Beards are hot...stop the hatin!!!
11
Beards are hot...stop the hatin'!!!
12
I'll be honest, I can't tell bearded people apart! They all look like cousins or something.
13
Move to the other side of town and pass all your bearded men along to me.

Cheers!
14
Please move away from Portland, anonymous.
15
I have a beard 'cause a) I hate shaving and b) my girlfriend digs beards. Sounds like you're a total bitch so I'm glad you hate me based on my looks.
16
I agree. Beards are retarded. I mean, look at this thing?

http://wweek.com/wwire/?p=19425

Makes me want to buy it just so I can shudder at its psychedelic beardy-ness. Creepy. Yet strangely, I find that I can't look away...
17
Frankly, I think that was a rather funny commentary on the homogeneity and rampant groupthink on the part of people in Portland who purport to be 'original' or somehow culturally superior to everyone else.

You know, maybe 15 years ago the styles of clothing and grooming that are so popular here would've been considered 'alternative' or generally outside the norms of popular culture adherents, but now that EVERYONE dresses in thrift store clothes and EVERYONE has a messenger bag (or Chrome bag) and EVERYONE rides fixed gears or single speeds and EVERYONE collects records and comics and EVERYONE wears thick-rimmed glasses and Chuck Taylors... now that EVERYONE seems to be doing these things, they're just another FAD, just another FASHION choice, and ultimately NO DIFFERENT than the douchebag guy with that little penciled-on looking beard, backwards hat and baggy Hilfiger clothes.

The point is, you're all just as EMPTY as any other idiot that follows trends - you just picked a different one than most people in our culture. Looking like a typical Portlander, or like a punk-rocker, a goth, a whatever - it's the same damn thing as someone who shops at Abercrombie and Fitch or The Gap or whatever. You think you're onto something, or somehow 'outside of the mainstream'... but you're NOT. You are exactly like THEM.

YOU ARE THEM.

You aren't a 'counter-culture', or even an 'alternative' culture - you're a pack of semi-literate nobodys with low self-esteem and identity issues.

Why? Because you're just as concerned with your appearance - your EXTERIOR, and how others perceive you. You need to cultivate your INNER SELF, assuming there's anything left there to work with at this point, and stop focusing your energies on looking cool.
18
I'm lost. What is the "same type of girl?" And isn't beards and comic books sort of the whole point of Portland? As is scamming into shows, drinking coffee, "medical" marijuana, "indie" music. The whole point of living in Portland is having a safe refuge where we all can look the same and still believe we're different. Where will we go? Chapel Hill?
19
So if I start wearing Tommy Hilfiger with a beard and thick-rimmed classes, will that make me some kind of fashion genius?
20
wow. guys into trendy shit are douche bags? NO WAY!!

give me a fucking break. there are assholes in every scene, everywhere on the fucking planet. what makes portland that different?

sorry, that your bearded boycrazy bubble was broken. you're probably just attracted to douche bags, that's your fucking fault. don't drag the rest of portland's male population with the trendy fucks you decide to date.

start becoming a better judge of character.

"if assholes could fly this place would be an airport"
21
I've got to second rjs on this one. Your jaded attitude doesn't mean that everyone you call out here is a douche. You can find shitty people everywhere. There's something called self control that might help your hatefulness.
22
A little all over the place but I like it. Obviously written by a woman who wants to actually chat with these beardo's. Hiding behind the beard and weird clothes like a homeless guy who wants to left alone. What might be 'the same type of girl' the writer references?
23
Come on, I Anonymous, is this really the best you can do? I remember the halcyon days of rants such as "I'll crush your skull" (the one about people walking across Hawthorne without looking). You had wit. You had venom. Now you're just disappointing.
24
How unoriginal to bitch about dudes being unoriginal. I say conform. All this energy into being original just makes you a cliche. If I see one more unique thing I'll puke my PBR-filled guts. Or wait...is it martini now? Whatever. Beard your chin. Capri your knickers. Tattoo your Fantasy Island midgets - good god, are midgets a fad? Just please, don't try anything new. And don't status quo. Heisenberg wrote about uncertainty. Try that. Flutter between states. Day one: pleats pants on a ten-speed. Day two: nude on a Palestinian. Stay current, damn-it! Embrace Z Cavaricci. Just never again get mad at my cloths. I swear to god I'll suicide bomb/shooting spree/hostile-take-over/nasty comment the living - yawn - out of you.
25
I don't care what these bearded fellows are hiding behind their beards, I'm interested in what's inside their beards. Twice a day you should be checking your beard for termites or other infestations, and this goes for pubic beards also, because that is the most hygienically significant place on your body. And who's to say the women aren't "hiding" something in their beards, deep down inside? The moustaches on women are invisible all but when they pencil them on for a fun day at the park or somewhere else, however that doesn't mean the bugaboos inside them are invisible too! Everyone's wearing a beard, and maybe even our children! But who bearded our children? We did it ourselves!

I want to reach down off the top of this mountain of a beard and no longer eat it with a spork and feed it through to my poor belly like sand to the starved, I want to slide down it on a door at very fast speed and rescue our children! Yeah! Who's with me?
26
Given that bearded, kittty-lovin, Snuggle Pony T-Shirt wearin' emo types can be found throughout the U.S., can you point me to some authority that says PDX invented them?
(Only skeptical because close-in SE used to be defined by the Urban Noize Club and the Lockjaw House. In that context, blame for PC New Portlandism is not that easily distributed.)
27
You know what's original? Accusing people of not being original. I remember this exact rant word for word, except it was fifteen years ago, and it involved people wearing the Jawbreaker t-shirts and torn jeans.
I've been around for a while, and as far as something as superficial as fashion, I've seen a lot stupider things than beards IE: MC Hammer pants, men with highlights in their hair, Low rise jeans, outlandish print hoodies, eyebrow piercings etc. etc. etc.
Really anon, you need to reassess whats worthy of your vitriol.
28
I love the Beardo's!
29
what is hilarious is how UPSET so many people got at this. portland THINKS it is interesting and a refuge for anything except lack of imagination, adventure and self-awareness. hipster racism (read a great article about this on blueoregon.com), bearded lemmings with pegged pants and carefully messy hair abound, show me the special here, PLEASE. good job anon...
30
Great Post. The beard has replaced the phonytail as the sensitive hip dude accessory. Shave that shit off, put the derailleurs back on your road bikes and get over yourselves!
31
Good Post. It appears the beard has replaced the phonytail to denote sensitive nerd dude. You know when you grow full beards like that it makes chicks question whether you're also too lazy to wipe your asses. Just some food for thought. Oh, and you really should put your derailleurs back on those classic road bikes, they were there for a reason....
32
Apparently it has been decreed that "I, Anonymous" should only be written by people who are affected deeply by other people's aesthetic choices. Fucking boring.

Whatever happened to accidentally getting shit on your room mate's toothbrush and not telling them about it? Where's the lack of balls leading to the truly unjustifiable and rancorous acts of passivity we grew to know and love?

and to the whining submitter: so silly. it's obvious that you LOVE us, want not to, and hate yourself for giving in. just let go, embrace the beard. be the "girl we end up with" if it means that much to you.

more seriously, i've been growing a beard since i realized it was physically possible for me to do so, so i cry fie at those who might juxtapose the state of beardliness with mere trend adoption. who cares how cool someone might think it is to grow a beard? i just care to have one at all.

33
Haha, everyone who doesn't like it is a DUDE.
34
you kind of described my ideal guy...
35
im moving to PDX in april- ill take them all please, with vegans on top
36
i am growing a beard in protest to this i anon.
37
Next week do moustaches! that's what I have
38
i think the point here is that yes, at one time, it was cool and different to grow out a beard and look all raw & introverted & stuff, but now it's just a lame and trendy fashion thing because there's too many...it's not unique anymore. This is the story with all this S. The beard is just the latest in a long and never ending line of things to do to one's self (or not to do in this case...shave) to be different or umm stand out. ha! You may say it's just cause' you're lazy, etc....that may be true for 1% of beard wearers, but please....
39
Russell Freeman Stigall, get over yourself. Go back to Seward.
40
Can I summarize? Anonymous hates all Portland men. Thanks for that, Anon.
41
Fixies ARE silly! You are right, Anon!
However:
I would much rather have the current onslaught of geeky lumberjacks that are rolling around town, loving cute things and looking like the result of growing up in the late-80's-mid-'90's (Alfie the Robot, flannel, "sensitive male of the 90s"), than the hair-in-face, lady-pant-wearing hipsters that have plagued the city like a swarm of self-entitled roaches for too long. Maybe it's a generational thing.

Sounds to me like someone's sad over unrequited beardy love.
42
ahhhhhhhh portland. that shining beacon of hilariously self-obsessed modesty! your senses of scale are so confused! it is a good thing everyone's personal paranoias are balanced by such stony mellowism! (and other comfy contradictions.) had enough of big-city downtown SW? i'll head up to arty small-town NE! whooh! tired! bicycles are hard work! (good for maintaining my skinny frame, of course!) maybe it's time to go to a park? dress appropriately! or not! i guess it all depends on if the pibbers make you dance (party party party in the park park park) or if the spliffs take you down (the view of the trees from the ground is simply cosmic, brother. just look at all those branches, just look at all those leaves!) ohhhh daaammn...! which ones on my list of ideals will i pick choose and forget today? which shows on my list of venues will be blessed by my patronage tonight? or a house show! of course. hey i like your dress hey i like your t-shirt hey i like your hair hey i like your shoes hey i like i like i like i like! wanna go to the bins tomorrow morning?

thank you anonymous, thank you commenters, thank you mercury, thank you portland. you're all good.
43
If I shave my beard, can I have your number?
44
ha! someone got hurt by a beardy! sok chicka licka! move on to a non beardy! date the exact opposite of the beardy, not only to give yourself a change of pace but also to show him he isnt the coolest anymore ;)
45
Everyone knows beards don't grow in space! Seriously though, get a dildo and some cats!
46
I agree. Beards are just dirty and gross. They itch my face and I get a rash or red marks from the beard when kissed. =( Pork chops on the other hand are SO HAWT tho! MmmMM Yum!

I also agree with the fixie douche comments. Those pricks need to go ride off a cliff. My lil brother got ran over by some asshead on a fixie and he was on the sidewalk! I mean what the f---..

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