Kalah Allen

Dear housemate: For fuck's sake, please stop jacking off in the bathroom. You know I can hear everything that happens in there, and more importantly, you know I am a very light sleeper. I don't mind waking up to you pissing, shitting, or even singing so very badly in the shower. However, when it comes to your loud exhibitions of self-love, other than waking up to my testicles being wired to a car battery I can't imagine a more unpleasant greeting of the day than the half-muffled moans that accompany the rhythmic massaging of your puny cock. By far the worst part is when you finally finish with your deep, pot-induced sigh. That's when I hear the splashing of your splooge plunge into the toilet. Seriously, listening to you pound your little pecker first thing in the morning inspires me to wait till you are finally out of there so I can take a bath with a toaster. Please, PLEASE, use your blanket, your socks, or a dirty hooker, and not the room that shares a wall with my few square feet of privacy.—Anonymous