Kalah Allen

Working as a janitor for Portland Public Schools sometimes seems like the bottom of the custodial mop bucket: Students pitch their unfinished lunches, garbage, and vomit wherever they feel like, which is usually within perfect view of a garbage can. Mopping up all this isn't pleasant, but it's par for the minimum-wage course. But recently all this changed. While making my rounds, what should I find but a fresh, pungent, glittering pile of shit, inexplicably resting in a bowl smack dab in the middle of the fucking hallway! Some dick-faced, snot-nosed, spoiled punk thinks it's okay to leave his steaming load wherever he wants, making it my job to literally shovel shit. This alone would be bad enough, but this load-dropping asshole turns out to be a serial shitter! Shit has been popping up in every obscure corner of my high school, like some sort of perverted fecal Easter egg hunt. So here's the deal, Poop Bandit: You better learn to curb yourself, because if I ever catch you grunting out your breakfast onto my freshly mopped floor in person, returning that fresh nugget to its owner will be well worth the price of a bar of soap.—Anonymous