My dear female friend and housemate: I'm a guy, and despite my healthy sex life with others, I do, from time to time, masturbate. You should know this about me. Not for prurient reasons—I don't think we're attracted to each other. You should just know this for your own safety. The other morning after I, er, "called down for some mayo," I didn't have any Kleenex handy for cleanup. So I simply wrapped a towel around my waist and attempted a silent dash for the shower. I know you were just being friendly and cute when you jumped out of the doorway to surprise me, but for your own safety I have to advise you to keep your "coochie-coo" belly-button-ticklin' finger away from me. I tried to grab your hand and turn away, but you were too fast, and I'm fairly certain you got a fingerful of splooge. And if by chance you had your own little "tiptoe through the two lips" while I was in the shower, um... well, I hope your period isn't late.—Anonymous