Spring is lurking behind the clouds—soon coats and umbrellas will vanish into closets across the Northwest and women will be baring beautiful pale flesh that has not seen the sun in a year. Excuse me for being poetic, but spring is the flowering of women. And, like all men, I adore the female form: not just the elegant and the stick thin, but women of more abundant flesh as well. But man, I have to tell you, those low-cut pants you wear that make the fat around your waist puff out like the top of a muffin under glass at Starbucks make me gag. You look like you're wearing a belt made out of cauliflower. And that navel piercing doesn't hide the lard, if that's what you're thinking. And the stretch marks? Listen: So you're not 110 pounds, so you've had children. So what? That's fine. You are still beautiful. Wear a dress. You don't absolutely have to wear those tiny low-waisted pants just because all the 15-year-olds do it. Take some pride in yourself. Shop like a woman! Take care of your skin, show some cleavage, and smile once in a while. It will be easier without the corset-tight jeans that make you look like your buttocks have been forced up to your waistline. And please spare me the old "you don't have to look" retaliation. Everyone looks, my dear. Everyone.—Anonymous
The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.