You rise every morning, go to the bathroom, don't wash your hands, and then pick up the phone to check for messages. All I can assume is that during your nine hours of sleep there must be hearty sessions of nut scratching, jerking off, and butt picking. I can't even imagine, when you worked for a year at that restaurant in NW, how many people perhaps got a taste of your oily loins. I am now like a paranoid squirrel running around the house with a disinfectant spray bottle. You probably think it's cool that people in other countries poop in a hole, then use their hands to wipe their ass. Well, until I notice a change, I am imposing a hygiene tax. I'm going to steal your coffee beans and help myself to a few other accoutrements. I also think it's only fair that I stick my finger up my butt, grab a tiny nugget, and put it in your chicken curry that you never share. Oh, and could you please stop leaving poop on the toilet seat?—Anonymous
A Hands-On Housemate
The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.