Dear women who breast-feed in public—Go ahead and do what you want—it's a free country—but could we please give a rest to your righteous indignation at the people who don't necessarily appreciate seeing you whip out your tit, and having to listen to the deliriously happy slurping and sucking of your infant-through-four-year-old child? God forbid you're also a friend of mine, and we're trying to have a conversation while I pretend not to notice your giant, hairy areola. Maybe next time you're over for dinner I'll just jack off my husband at the table, instead of sneaking into the bedroom like we did before. Agreed: Breast-feeding is natural, healthy, and a beautiful experience for all involved. So is taking a really good shit, an activity I tend to enjoy in private. I also try not to tongue my husband at the mall. Does that make me a prude? A misogynist? Please get off your high, feminist, I-have-boobs-and-I'm-not-afraid-to-use-them horse! What a bunch of self-righteous, selfish, fucking bitches.—Anonymous