Celebrities! Unh! Good god, y'all, what are they good for? Absolutely nothin'—SAY IT AGAIN! Okay, I won't say it again, but I shall not concede the point: Celebrities are paid waaaaaaaaay too much money for what they actually do. Pick a celebrity at random... okay, Kirsten Dunst. Holy cow, what a sack of moldy sponges. And yet? She makes a kabajillion dollars a day starring in movies, even though she doesn't have a lick of talent! And what does she do—to benefit society, that is—when she's not making crappy movies? Jack... POOP! That's right! She just sits on her moldy-sponge ass all day getting pedicures and spitting on Hispanic migrant workers. (That last part may be an unfounded rumor—but I shall state it as FACT!)

Anywhoop, that's why I'm a huge fan of television shows that make those lazy-ass celebs work for a living. And happily, these shows are growing more popular than ever! For example, on Thursday, January 5, one of my fave reality shows from last year, Dancing with the Stars, is making its triumphant return (ABC, 8 pm). This is the show that takes washed-up, clubfooted hacks and makes them learn how to ballroom dance. Then a bunch of effeminate judges rip 'em new holes! (It's like a beautiful dream.) Last season, Joey McIntyre from New Kids on the Block was featured, as well as former champ/lumbering oaf Evander Holyfield. However, the gripping finale came down to that guy who played J. Peterman on Seinfeld, and some chick from some soap opera who has a billion nudie pictures of herself on the internet. For some reason, this show gripped me like a bear trap on the nutsack. So don't miss the new season, featuring such washouts as Tatum O'Neal, rapper Master P, George Hamilton, and the brother of that guy who was dumped by Jessica Simpson! EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

But hold on to your juicy bits, because the next week marks the debut of another celebrity torture show: Skating with Celebrities (Fox, Wed Jan 18, 9 pm). A blatant rip-off of Dancing with the Stars? Perhaps, but how can you fault a show for wanting to feature Debbie Gibson smashing her head on the ice? Or Bruce Jenner getting impaled with his own skate? I rest my case.

As far as I'm concerned, there can't be enough of these shows, because—as stated earlier—celebrities don't do anything except make awful movies and waste our air. Take, for example, the number of similar shows that I've pitched to the networks (none of which, mysteriously, has been picked up yet). First, there's Robbing Convenience Stores with Former Child Actors. Hey, if they're doing it anyway, why shouldn't we be able to watch? Or how about Licking Infectious Sores with TV's Funniest Animals? That monkey from Friends hasn't worked in years! And "dig" this one! Draining Irrigation Ditches with Designing Women. Ratings? Meet roof! Then there's Defusing Bombs with Hollywood Has-Beens. Hey, Kirsten Dunst! This is the perfect show for you! (Maybe it'll blow some of that moldy sponge off your ass.)