jeremy eaton

I've decided to begin all of my columns as if they were a movie trailer for an upcoming blockbuster film. For example...

IN A WORLD where "justice" has no meaning... A WORLD overrun by CRIME AND DESTRUCTION... a group of brave HEROES will emerge to protect the weak, and defend the defenseless. And... THEY'RE NOT WEARING SHIRTS! (Whooooooooo! Paaaaar-TAY!)

Then you see a bunch of shirtless superheroes going completely bonkers: doing keg stands, stealing Wonder Woman's underpants, and beating a bunch of frat boys in the campus talent show. Now the problem here is that my film (working title: The Shirtless Super Friends) has little to zero chance of ever getting made. So in the meantime? We're stuck with The CW's return of all new Smallville episodes (starting Thurs Jan 18, 8 pm). Now as those with pedophilic tendencies already know, Smallville is the weekly nighttime soap about Superman when he was a hunky teen (hunkily played by Hunky McHunkerson Tom Welling)—which is a STUPID idea for a show, right? Except for two things: They perform every scene as if they were in the Metropolitan Opera (sans singing), and more importantly, there's a lot of smooching and teenage upper-torso nudity.

Anyhoo, back to this week's episode. Since the story arc for Smallville is how SuperBOY learns how to be SuperMAN, and since Clark's already graduated from high school—it's about time for him to join the Justice League, don'tchathink? I mean... is he going to lie around his parents' farmhouse playing videogames forever? For the love of god, son—cut your hair! Get a job!

And THAT is the plot for this week's return of Smallville: When the Green Arrow (played by wicked hot Justin Hartley) decides he's going to infiltrate the evil Lex Luthor's secret lab, he contacts The Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman (BOOOOO!) to help him out. Unfortunately, The Flash turns out to be a real drag-ass, and is subsequently captured and tortured by Luthor. So naturally, Clark rushes off to pull The Flash's fat out of the fire. But before he can even remove his shirt, WHAMMO! Clark is clobbered by a kryptonite meteor. That's when the Green Arrow and the rest of the gang form the junior Justice League to save The Flash and Clark (but hopefully not Clark's shirt).

Now. Here's why this idea sucks. I have no problem with the Green Arrow and The Flash being in the Justice League. I do have a problem with the inclusion of Cyborg, because—WHO THE HELL IS CYBORG? If you're going to invite him, you might as well invite Lushy, the Flying Liquor-Drinking Donkey. And as for Aquaman—who has no real powers other than the ability to boss around some trout—you should already know my position. That fish-stick-sucking loser would be lucky to become a member of the NAWML (National Association of Waterlogged Milky Lickers).

This is no "Justice League"—this is a sad, sad excuse for the Shirtless Super Friends. I mean... C'MON! Where's freaking shirtless Batman? Where's freaking shirtless Green Lantern? Where are the freaking shirtless Wonder Twins? And perhaps most importantly, where are freaking WONDER WOMAN'S UNDERPANTS?