There oughta be a law! I think it's despicable that TV shows are allowed to keep certain characters alive season after season after season. I'm certainly not allowed that luxury! In fact, I live in constant fear of getting bumped off at any moment—whether I'm being hit by a bus, murdered by a vengeful lover, or snorting an expired can of hairspray. Sometimes all three at once! So if I can be callously killed without warning, then why does the hot wife on King of Queens get carte blanche to live as long as she likes? Because she's hot? While that's certainly solid reasoning, it's totally UNFAIR!!

However: I am a reasonable man. And as such, I am willing to agree to keep promoting "TV shows" if they will promise to KILL OFF ONE MAJOR CHARACTER AT THE END OF EVERY SEASON. Not pretend to kill off, only to be mysteriously revived and beautified with plastic surgery—I'm talking killed, snuffed, murderfied, never-to-be-seen-again DEAD. Let's take this week's season finales, just for example...

The O.C. (Fox, third season finale, Thurs May 18, 9 pm). Who should die on The O.C. this season? That's an easy one: MARISSA COOPER (Mischa Barton). After spending three years being directly responsible for ruining the lives of practically everyone on the show (and for constantly annoying me with her stupid deviated septum), Marissa should succumb to some sort of overdose. Preferably via expired hairspray can.

Alias (ABC, series finale, Mon May 22, 9 pm). Oh, I get it. Alias thinks because it's their SERIES finale, they're exempt from any killing-off-character duties. Well, BULLPOOP. Since they're going off the air forever, why not go out with a bang and kill ALL the characters—wait. Not Jennifer Garner. She can survive if she spends the entire episode in her underpants.

24 (Fox, fifth season finale, Mon May 22, 8 pm). Now here's a show that doesn't need any help killing people. This season alone, they've killed off President Palmer, Michelle Dessler, fat Edgar—even former I Love Television™ TV Character of the Year™, Tony Almeida! (Sob!) But on the other hand, why stop now? Perhaps during this week's season finale, the terrorists should finally get their way and MURDER AMERICA! (Okay, fine. Just middle America.)

American Idol (Fox, fifth season finale, Wed May 24, 8 pm). OH, THE POSSIBILITIES. Randy Jackson could be saying, "Yo, yo, dawg. Check it out..." when a 40-pound klieg light falls on his head. Ryan Seacrest could tumble off the stage after slipping in his own hair mousse. Simon Cowell should live because he's the only person capable of telling these losers how much they suck, and Paula Abdul is already a scooch away from a tranquilizer overdose—so let's just let nature take its course, shall we?

Lost (ABC, second season finale, Wed May 24, 9 pm). Since this show isn't afraid of killing off major characters, they should MURDER THEIR ENTIRE WRITING STAFF. Look, everyone knows this story isn't going anywhere, so the writers should do the right thing and hurl themselves into the mouth of an angry polar bear. And not an imaginary polar bear, either!