jeremy eaton

Babies these days? They got it eaaaasy. They eat adult foods (puréed of course), wear adult clothes (like Adidas sneakers), and they even get their own "special" car seat! And if you ask me... THAT'S BULLSHIT!

When I was a baby, I rode in the front (usually on the floorboard) of the family car, or in the back of my dad's pickup truck (if the dogs called dibs on the front seat). And did I ever get any fancy designer clothes or haircuts? NOOOOOOOO! I had to wear my sister's hand-me-down disposable diapers for six years! And for the first three years of my life? My hair looked like CRAP. I was never taken to one of those fancy baby hairstyling salons, where they provide massages and artesian spring water in a sippy cup! That's because my parents were MONSTERS and babies these days are... are... BIG FAT BABIES!

And if I wanted to watch TV when I was a baby? I had to watch whatever my parents watched—again, which was CRAP! The only thing Baby Humpy liked was Fantasy Island and The Love Boat (and only because of the size of Adrienne Barbeau's knockers—those were a couple of sweet milk bags).

But now, babies have their VERY OWN NETWORK. I know! It's GALLING. It's called BabyFirstTV (available on DirecTV satellite, channel 293), and every program is designed specifically for babies, age six months to three years. "HOLD ON THERE A SECOND, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me," I hear you cry. "My goddamn pediatrician told ME that babies aren't supposed to watch ANY TV until they're at least two years old because they could possibly catch Attention Deficit Disorder!"

Huh? Wha? I'm sorry... I wasn't listening. I just saw this really cool bug crawl by. Anyway, the producers of BabyFirstTV claim they're providing a necessary service since 68 percent babies under the age of two watch TV anyway, and 38 percent already have a television IN THEIR ROOM. (When I was a baby, I didn't get a TV in my room—although I did see the occasional rat.) They figure if babies are watching the tube anyway, they should watch developmentally appropriate tube (no Adrienne Barbeau).

So what do they consider developmentally appropriate? Shows devoted solely to baby songs, black-and-white moving shapes, rudimentary counting, and baby sign language—which is my favorite, because the sign language lady is totally hot for a deaf chick. She's no Adrienne Barbeau... but I certainly wouldn't mind "latching on" to her, IF you know what I mean. (You don't? Ask a nursing mother to explain.)

Like it or hate it, TV ain't going away, and neither are babies. So if parents want a TV distraction for the diaper-dumpers that'll make them feel a little less guilty? Now they have one. However, why didn't they ask me for ideas for baby-appropriate shows? I got a billion of 'em! Such as Stop Pooping So Much. And If You Don't Stop Crying, Daddy is Going to Blow His Head Off. And of course, Adrienne Barbeau's Milk Train. Ahh... I'm thirsty just thinking about it.