Hooray! I love letters from readers, and here's an actual email (as opposed to those ones I occasionally make up) from Leslie Hart of Florida. (Oh, and I've annotated her letter so I can appropriately address each of her concerns after she finishes ripping me a new one. And, just so you know, Rachael Ray is the host of a billion cooking shows, and a well-known monster.) Go, Leslie, go!
"To Wm. Steven Humphrey: In regards to last week's article 'Rachael Ray Go Away'—it's a shame that readers of local publications have to read such crap.1 [Rachael Ray] came from the ranks of the working stiffs, like us, and you have the gall to write an article about her... expressing your opinion about her shows.2 That wasn't an opinion article. It was nothing less than a total lambasting, character bashing, hate full [sic], critical mud slinging about someone you obviously know nothing about.3 It makes me realize how desperate and shameful publications have become to publicize articles by idiots like you.4 Rachael Ray is on national TV, and where are you? A loud-mouthed bum... writing for a second-rate publication.5 Now you tell me who needs to go away?6 See-ya!!! 7"
Now I shall address Leslie's concerns. (1) I completely agree. (2) I completely agree. (3) I completely agree. (4) Totally. I completely agree. (5) I think Leslie means, "WHO are you," but that doesn't take away from the fact that I completely agree. (6) If Leslie means me, then I completely agree. (7) Bye!
That is such an awesome letter, I get giggly every time I read it. However! Even though I agree with every word in Leslie's super rad letter, I stand by my original thesis—that Rachael Ray is a "monster" who "sounds like a cat being repeatedly flung into a wood chipper." And she doesn't have a neck.
But Leslie makes an interesting point: Should loud-mouthed bums who write for second-rate publications pooh-pooh working-class stiffs with no necks who inexplicably get their own national TV show? OF COURSE NOT. However, while I'm far too stubborn to take back what I said, I will make the following vow: I shall never, EVER say another disparaging word about working-stiff celebrities for the rest of today's column.
That's right, today I will adopt the old adage that states if I can't say anything nice about someone on television, I won't say anything at all. And since there's only ONE SINGLE PERSON on TV that I truly adore (besides Magnum P.I.), I will devote the rest of this column to her. It is, of course, the bewitching TAYLOR TOWNSEND (Autumn Reeser) from The O.C.! Hand to God, if you stopped watching The O.C. because Marissa (Mischa Barton) was such a goddamn annoying DRIP, check out this season's episodes, because Taylor Townsend has saved this show. She's funny, she's super hot—and Autumn is such a great actress, she even makes dopey Ryan look good!
So check out The O.C.—ASAP! If nothing else, at least Taylor Townsend has a neck. (OOPS! Sorry, Leslie.)