THE GIFT-GIVING SEASON is the time of year when people are fond of calling me an inhuman monster. While it's true that there is something decidedly wrong with the inner workings of my noggin, I am NOT a monster when it comes to the holidays. In fact, I have decided to dedicate this entire column to a charity that is near and dear to my heart, and I want to be very clear that the reason I'm doing this is because I have ooey-gooey feelings about Christmas (as well as that unpronounceable Jewish holiday), and NOT because it fulfills 25 percent of any court-appointed community service requirement.

Apparently, according to the newspapers, charity is "good" and something we should all try to develop an interest in. However!--and this doesn't mean I hate charities, because I am very, very interested in them--it seems that some charities are interested in giving away items to the poor that even I don't have. For example, some charities give away houses. I don't own a house. And if my pay scale continues to flat-line, I will never own a house. This isn't to say I don't think the poor deserve houses; I just don't think they deserve a house before I get a house. Otherwise, what's the point of being poor?

But what I'm driving at here is supporting charities that give the poor what they really need--without making me look poorer than they are. That's why I came up with the idea for "TVs for Tots." "Goodness gracious!" you exclaim. "That's certainly an intriguing idea. I'd like to learn more about this 'TVs for Tots' program." Well, okay, I will tell you! It is a sad but true fact that many of our nation's children do not have their own TVs in their rooms. These children are forced to watch television in a den, living room, or other common area, in which there are often several other family members vying for the remote control! If you're thinking this scenario reminds you of the Pat Benatar song, "Hell Is for Children," well, I'd say you were right. Tears leap out of my eyes when I think of poor little Johnny or Susie Ann Sally Sue trying to watch Blind Date on the WB when their stupid parents want to watch the news. How are children supposed to develop into normal, functionable adults under these circumstances?! But don't be fooled! The "poor" aren't the only ones with this problem! What about the HIPPIES?? Hippies are famous for not letting kids have TVs in their rooms! Here is actual testimony from the seven-year-old daughter of a famous hippie (try not to vomit in dismay!): "Hello, my name is Rainbow Nader, and my daddy is a stinking hippie. I asked him for a TV in my room, and he said no, because the networks are part of the corporate machine, whose goal is to beat down the will of the people. But what about me? I'm people! What if I want to be beaten down? Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! Won't someone help me? Please??"

Will YOU help poor Rainbow Nader? Or will you spend another holiday season swimming in a pool of your own apathy and hatred? Send your new and used televisions to "TVs for Tots," c/o I Love Television™, or, if you prefer, you can e-mail them over the World Wide Intranet™. And please hurry before another child misses an episode of Blind Date!