Jeremy Eaton

A FAMOUS PERSON once said, "Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little inside." Whoever said this clever little homily is irrelevant--especially since I can't remember who it was. However! The point is, while I believe this is true for most, for me it is different. Not only do I die when a friend (or anyone for that matter) succeeds, I also croak a little when they fail.

Let us take, for example, the enigma--i.e., goddam drug addict--known as Robert Downey Jr. First of all, I'd like to say that I hate Robert Downey Jr.'s stinking guts. And it's not just because he guest stars on Ally McBeal. It is because, for reasons incomprehensible to me, every single woman in America (as well as a few of the gays) suddenly thinks that Robert Downey Jr. is the sexiest thing since nude Burt Reynolds.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that Robert Downey Jr. is easy on the eyes. He's also a better actor than most, and has single-handedly saved that insipid Ally McBeal from swirling down a crapper of her own making. However, he also happens to be a big old cokehead who spent a year in the slammer after his pee-pee tested positive for morphine, heroin, marijuana, Valium, and cocaine. As for whether part of his sentence was to include a year's stint as Ally McBeal's boyfriend this I do not know. (I suspect this would qualify as both cruel and unusual punishment.) So, regardless of the fact that Robert Downey Jr. is both a good actor and a tad bit hunky, it is beyond me why the women of America are so desperately in love with this walking pharmaceutical company. Especially since he was barely on the show for two episodes before being arrested AGAIN for possessing a dump truck full of coke and meth! I mean, c'mon! What's wrong with ME, ladies? I'm hunky! I do coke! See? I'll do some right now!

Snnnnnnnnnnuuuufffffffffffffflllllzzzzzz! Snort! Snort! Snnnnnnnnnnuuuuufffffffllllzzz!! Snort! Whoooooooo-WHEEEE!!! Holy Jesus on a jalapeño popper! That's some good shit right there! Nothing like a little "toot for the snoot," know what I mean? Okay! Now that I'm officially addicted to cocaine, do ya think I'm sexy? Yeaaahhhh, I'm sexy all right! Now, I think I'll go to jail for a bit! Whoopee! I'm in jail! Ohhh look how forlorn I am. Look how incarceration has changed me. Look at how prison has made me introspective and depressed--and most of all HOT! I'm a HOT, SEXY jailbird, aren't I? In fact, the only way to be sexier than I am now is to get out of prison and go clean and sober! Because as we all know, there's nothing more mysterious and sexified than a reformed cokehead sexpot.

But there's always room for more "sexy," no? That's why I'm gonna get a job on a crappy sitcom, and when my brilliant acting pulls it out of the sewer, everyone will say, "Hip, hip, hooray! The hot and sexy former snoot tooter saved the day!" Then, finally, I can rest easy--secure in the knowledge that America not only believes in the power of forgiveness, but also in the power that lives inside my pants. Pass the coke spoon, please!