Jeremy Eaton
HEY! Do you remember that little kid who wrote in a couple weeks ago, saying that Santa Claus was a bunch of hooey, and all he really wanted was one of those fancy-pants video game systems? Well, that li'l squirt got me to thinking: Maybe I've been spending too much time watching television shows, and not enough time pursuing other interests (besides the dirty rub-a-dub, okay??).

See, I need something that challenges me mentally and spiritually: That's why I went out and bought one of those fancy-pants video game systems that kid was bitching about. The way I figure it, I can explore new frontiers by blowing the heads off some freaking zombies; and then, with a click of a button, I'm back to reality and watching Gomer Pyle, USMC. It's the best of both worlds!

And let me tell you! Those Japanese have done amazing things with transistorization. Not only are the new systems almost half the size of my old Atari, but you're no longer shooting at centipedes and frogs and crap--you're actually killing people who look like people! That's one of the great things about these newfangled video game systems; they're so real, I no longer have to exert myself by actually fighting or driving drunk! Now I can stay at home and do it on my TV! Don't you see?! It's like a beautiful dream!!

So anyway, the other day I was kung fu fighting a laser-shooting ninja demon and admiring my gigantic breasts (waitasecond--was that a video game or real life? Yes I'm almost positive it was a game. Regardless!), and I said to myself, "Oh Humpy, my Humpy! What a heavenly existence is this! However, something is missing. If only I could somehow combine the thrilling violence of video games with my regular television-watching regimen. Then life would be perfect!" So I immediately stopped playing Bloodbath Chainsaw Demolition Supermarket, and drafted an overnight-express letter to the Japanese, in which I asked them to please invent games based on my favorite TV shows. Would you like to see some of my ideas? YOU WOULD?? EEEEEEEEEEE! I could just eat you up.

60 Minutes: Exploit the Intern! In this exciting role-playing game, you can choose to be any of the 60 Minutes correspondents: Morley Safer, Andy Rooney, Ed Bradley even that prick Mike Wallace! Your task is to get interns to do all your work and then take all the credit--but don't get carted away to the nursing home!

E.R.: Revenge of the Under-Insured! Here's a fun one! You are a cancer-stricken nun who's been run over by a school bus. To win, you must get the attention of the E.R. staff, who are far too busy with their own problems to worry about yours. At your disposal: kung fu skills, a flamethrower, a grenade launcher, and a gushing pulmonary artery.

Ally McBeal McAttack! In this extremely realistic game, you are the waifish lawyer Ally McBeal. Your objective is to get out of taking any cases, so you can have more time to whine about your shitty love life. Your special powers include pouting, acting really weird for no discernible reason, and the ability to turn sideways and "disappear." But look out! You not only have to stop your b-friend from taking crystal meth, but the entire firm will be trying to throw food into your mouth. Do NOT let this occur!