Jeremy Eaton

First things FIrst! I hereby proclaim Nelly Furtado as the new "Adolf Hitler of the Music Industry"!!

Yes, yes, I know. Lenny Kravitz has held that honor for years now, but frankly, I don't give a schiznit! While Lenny is most certainly an evil blight perpetrated against the whole of humanity, Nelly Furtado--who sings that STOOPID "I'm Like a Bird" song, vocally ripping off both Macy Gray AND Billie Holiday--has easily eclipsed Lenny's ear-splitting warbling, and so earns the dubious title of "Adolf Hitler." And in case there are any doubts I REALLY HATE ADOLF HITLER!!!

And while we're on the subject of "music" and its many moods, have you been watching the MTV lately? Not much has changed! It still refuses to show an entire video, and the ones it does show are always gummed up with some 17-year-old idiot screaming, "I picked Nelly Furtado because she sings really funny and I wanna fly like a bird just like her WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

See, the main problem with MTV is that it's WAY too interested in the happiness of its viewers. Seriously! You know as well as I do that MTV has more shows about the people who watch the shows (Total Request Live, Real World, Fear, FANatic, MTV Beach House, Say What? Karaoke) than shows about actual musicians! I mean, the very last thing I want to see after a hard day at work is some teenage amateur meathead jumping around naked on stage, lip-synching to "Butterfly" by Crazy Town, with only a handful of shaving cream on his privates! That is NOT entertainment!

This is why we should be especially leery of MTV's newest show, Becoming (Tuesdays, 7:30 p.m.)--which, unsurprisingly, is all about MTV viewers Becoming their favorite music stars. Here's how it works: Like most MTV shows, you have to send in a five-minute tape of you acting like a shithead, explaining why you want to be Nelly Furtado. Then the MTV folks fly you out to New York, dress you up in Nelly Furtado clothes, put you in a Nelly Furtado car, and give you singing lessons so you can sound just like that master of the Third Reich, Nelly Furtado.

But that's not all! You also get to re-create your favorite star's music video with YOU in the lead! So if you like, they'll dress you up in Britney Spears' ho clothes, teach you all the moves, and then videotape you doing an EXACT REPLICA of "Hit Me, Baby (One More Time)"! Isn't that fawking KA-RAZY?? They've got kids coming on the show who will be playing Blink-182, the Backstreet Boys, Jay-Z next thing ya know, some dumbass wank will wanna be Rob Zombie and beg MTV to throw some lice on his head!

BUT HERE'S THE DISTURBING PART! If you ask me, MTV is trying to put together some kind of Stepford Wives experiment, where it no longer actually needs rock stars! See? It'll just get these pathetic teens to play the rock stars, and then tell Lil' Kim, Justin Timberlake, and Destiny's Child to FAWK OFF!

Don't believe me? Fine. But don't be surprised if one day you turn on MTV, and you see a truncated version of MY video during TRL, with some 17-year-old idiot screaming, "I chose Wm.™ Steven Humphrey acting like he's Nelly Furtado because he's Adolf Hitler and flies like a bird WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"