Jeremy Eaton

When the fanatical readers of I Love Television™ write in, they usually have one of two things to say: (1) Nelly Furtado is not Adolf Hitler, and you are a dick; and (2) how come you always write about television, and never for television?

Both are good points. Though I don't care what people think about my opinion of that goose-steppin' Aryan rat-bastard and master of the Third Reich, I fully agree that my immense talents are wasted writing this ridiculous column week after week.

However! Perhaps the question should not be, "Why don't I write for television?" but rather, "Why should I write for television?" Let's face it: Me writing for TV is like Ayn Rand writing Archie comics. And it's not just because I think I'm hot snot on china, either! Ayn Rand's big brain would ruin the insipid brilliance of Archie, just as my throbbing noggin would destroy the bilious genius of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.

But that's not the only reason I'm too hot for TV. It's a well-known fact that my verbiage is, shall we say, too "salty" for mainstream audiences. (Which I think is BULLSHIT!) These TV networks are all, "Oooh! Oooh! We can't let Wm.™ Steven Hump-me write the season opener for Everybody Loves Raymond he may say 'diaper gravy!' Or he may say 'bungy cream!' Or he may say, 'C'mon baby, let me lickee, lickee, ahhhhhhhhhh!' And we don't even know what that means!!"

Well, I'll TELL YOU what it means! It means that the networks are too chickenshit to face up to the fact that I write the way people TALK. (Or at least the way people talk on a gram of coke and two hits of Ecstasy.) And you wanna know the real kick in the patootie? They blame all this censorship on the FCC--when in fact, the FCC really couldn't give a flying fawk. Though the networks would like you to believe they will be heavily fined if any of their shows utter the words "fellatio ice cream," the truth is, the FCC does not enforce indecency charges against networks or cable stations.

So who's doing all the censoring? The networks themselves. And they don't really care if anyone from Poopchute, Idaho is offended by the phrase, "My jimmy runs deep, so deep it put her butt to sleep"; they only care if the advertisers are offended by the thought that someone from Poopchute, Idaho would be offended.

Let's take, for example, the recent South Park season premiere, where they said the word "shit" 167 times during the episode--167 times!! And it wasn't bleeped once! And what did the FCC do about it? Not a goddam thing. And do you know how many letters Comedy Central received about that episode? FOUR--all positive. Jesus Christ on a cracker, I've never received four positive letters in my LIFE!

So to answer your questions: NO, I will NOT be writing for any network shows (unless, of course, it's for South Park, which will apparently let me say anything up to and including, "Hello, my name is Shitfried McShitterson"). And YES, I not only hate Nelly Furtado, but her status has just been raised from Adolf Hitler to the Antichrist. NYAAHH!