Jeremy Eaton

First Things First!

I hereby vow to never again use this column to engage in an argument on the subject of the worst superhero in the world--Aquaman. I will only go as far to say that Aquaman is as useless as the Beatles, and leave it at that.

And that he is stupid. And THAT HE DOES NOT FLY!! I am right; those who disagree with me are wrong; and anyone who says differently can run off and marry that sad-sack piece of fish shit, AQUAMAN. Oh, and one more thing nyaaahh.

Now, on to more topical topics: As you may have noticed, our country is in a RECESSION. All businesses, including my own, have had to make cutbacks. For example, due to the recent economic doldrums, I've had to lay off the term "diaper gravy." Oh, sure! Back in the salad days, I could afford to use "diaper gravy" at least four times in every column! Unfortunately, now I am forced to steal jokes from people who aren't as funny. People like Rita Rudner, Tom Arnold, and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld--who, as it turns out, is really, really not funny.

But don't feel sorry for me! Feel sorry for the networks who predict that their advertising sales will drop a whopping 16 percent in the coming season! And you know what that means when networks get desperate, that's when they get STUPID.

For instance, they're starting to toy with the idea of "product placement." We've already seen it for years in the movies--like when Harry Potter takes a break from battling a three-headed dog to chugalug a can of Coke--but now you can look forward to this sort of shameless advertising on the tube as well!

Unsurprisingly, this TV trend is already well under way. On a recent episode of Frasier, Bill Gates just happened to pop by to answer questions about Microsoft products! Survivor also joined the product placement parade by offering one of the show's castaways a brand-name SUV; and if you're a fan of ABC's new spy series Alias, you already know it's an hourlong infomercial for Sydney's tight ass and Nokia cell phones. Even UPN is experimenting with what they call "virtual product placement": That's when a show has already been filmed, and then they digitally insert a product into the program! And this would make me really, really MAD, if I didn't think it was such a fawking great idea!

Let's choose, for example, a product at random. Oh, I don't know let's say HORMEL CHILI™--"a nutritious and delicious treat for the entire family." Now, it seems I have two choices: One, I could be somehow paid to include the name of that steamin' delectable bowl of goodness, HORMEL CHILI™, in my column every week. Or better yet, I could simply leave a blank spot in my column, and if you have a product you want to promote, simply send me $75, pick up all the papers around town, write in the name of your product, and VOILÀ! The entire city will know about the savory, home-cooked goodness of HORMEL CHILI™ (or whatever product you choose).

Let's start now, whaddayasay?

So in conclusion, product placement on TV is bad, bad, BAD--unless of course, that product happens to be ________________________, the only __________ endorsed by I Love Television™!

The previous column and all references to "diaper gravy" have been brought to you by HORMEL CHILI™--the best fawking chili in the world!