Jeremy Eaton

Okay, so I've explained this before, but OBVIOUSLY I need to explain it again. The "purpose" of television is twofold: (1) Television is an entertainment medium, and any attempt to make it educational is like wearing a studded condom; it sounds like a good idea, but rarely produces any significant results. And (2) the "purpose" of television is to live "vicariously" through it. For example! Let's say you want to bitch-slap Joan Collins and knock her into a pool. You obviously cannot legally attain such a wish. Therefore, you can watch reruns of Dynasty and live vicariously through the actions of Linda Evans, who made a career out of slapping the surgery right off Joan's face.

Example two! After announcing recently how I was jealous of Will Tippin (the "casual" reporter guy on Alias who regularly bones his intern), I have been inundated with intern resumés--many of which place "boning" at the top of their "work-related experiences." But see, I don't actually want to bone interns all day long, because that would make me just like that casual creep Will Tippin! Therefore I will live vicariously through him, which will not only save me much-needed time, but quite possibly a number of penicillin shots as well.

So here's the reason I'm bringing this up: It's no secret that me and the fuzz don't get along. You know the fuzz, the pigs, the coppers? However, I'm fairly convinced that the reason they steal my coke and beat the shit out of my customers is because they're not living vicariously through television. Think about it! What the fuzz needs is a show where all the cops are dirty, borderline sociopaths, so they can live vicariously instead of "climbing all up in my bidnezz."

Take NYPD Blue, for example. Sipowicz used to be a great character--an alcoholic, ball-busting sonofabitch who didn't mind crackin' noggins to get the job done. Now? He's a reformed slush who can't catch a crook because he's too busy hugging his kid and feeding his freaking goldfish! AND THAT'S BULLSHIT! It's no wonder the fuzz has been impeding the movement of my merchandise!

Happily for me and my associates, however, there's a new show where the cops are so dirty they make Rob Zombie's underpants look clean. It's called The Shield (FX, 10 pm, Tuesdays) and it's based on actual stories from the LAPD. Michael Chiklis (yes, the tubby guy from The Commish) stars as a beefed-up bald badass who takes the law into his own hands, rips it to shreds, and crams it down the crooks' throats. Unfortunately for his co-workers, he's also a psychopath who will happily shoot a fellow member of the fuzz in the brainpan should anyone step in his way.

Now don't mistake me--this is not an endorsement of fuzz shooting fuzz. I'm just saying that living vicariously through the medium of TV might be a better choice for the fuzz than, say busting the noggins of a certain cocaine ring, or breaking up an "intern prostitution service." I'm just sayin'.