Jeremy Eaton

For the most part, science is stupid. Why? Because all the scientific research about television is lies, Lies, LIES! In fact, if I were to do a little research of my own, I'd say that four out of five researchers are heavily biased AGAINST television. I mean, think about it! When's the last time you read a story that said: "Scientific researchers at Loyola University revealed that children who watch seven hours of television per day grow up to be perfectly normal. Conversely, children who study science seven hours per day grow up to be assholes." You NEVER read stories like that, because them scientists are biased--and assholes!!

HOWEVER! Just as I was ready to take a big poop on science, I stumbled upon a study that was actually PRO-television! According to a report from Reuters, the latest research indicates that watching television can actually make people feel better about themselves. Great news, right? Well, in the interest of fairness, it should be noted that the researcher's name is Satoshi Kanazawa (who I'm betting is a foreigner) and his research was conducted at Indiana University in Pennsylvania. (Whaaa?? Since when did Indiana move to Pennsylvania?)

But regardless of his ethnicity or poor geographical skills, Satoshi is plenty smart when it comes to television! After analyzing the results of the U.S. General Social Survey, Satoshi discovered that people who watch a lot of television "feel like they have more friends," and believe "they have an active social life." In fact, the study showed that "people who watch certain TV shows were as satisfied with their social lives as people with more friends than them."

"Now just hold on there a minute, Humpy!" I hear you cry. "It sounds like these crackpots believe that TV characters are actually their friends! And correct me if I'm wrong but TV characters AIN'T REAL!" Well, Satoshi has a theory that the human brain has evolved to the point where it recognizes any face it sees on a regular basis as a friend--unless, of course, it's those kids with the Rod Stewart hairdos I've been seeing at the clubs lately I hate those guys!!

But let's think for a moment. If given a choice, wouldn't you rather hang out with a TV character instead of the stinky friends you have now? For example! I have a friend named Matt who is okay, I guess but c'mon! He's no Sydney Bristow from Alias! Like if I wanted to borrow a phosphorescent blue wig, would I go to Matt? Hell, no! But Sydney has 27 of them! Therefore Matt is B-O-R-I-N-G!!

Or what about my friend Carissa? Compared to the very interesting discussions I have with my friends from The Sopranos, Carissa is a big wet mop! Plus, has Carissa ever offered to kill anyone for me? I DON'T THINK SO. In fact, since my real life friends are so boring, maybe I can have my Sopranos friends kill them! Then I can have a great big sleepover with Sydney and Tony and Ozzy and hmmm I wonder if Satoshi is busy tonight?