Jeremy Eaton
Omigod! I am FURIOUS!! In fact, I am so furious, it's highly unlikely I'll be able to find the words to complete this week's column. Okay stop just breathe. Good energy in bad energy out (this is something my quacky therapist told me to do whenever I felt like MY HEAD WAS GOING TO FAWKING EXPLODE!! He also told me I needed to get laid more often). Okay. I now believe I've calmed myself to the point where I can relate the following horrible story without blood squirting from my eyes.

I, along with the rest of the TV-viewing public, was dealt a crushing blow recently when it was announced that VH1 is ceasing production on what surely would've been the greatest TV spectacle of all time: a reality show starring Liza Minnelli and probably-gay hubby David Gest! According to the New York Post, VH1 complained that Gest was a "Svengali" who continually thwarted producers' attempts to film Minnelli in her natural environs.

"David Gest redefines the term 'control freak,'" said a source close to the show. "He was almost insane." Besides canceling "about 20 appointments" to film the couple, Gest allegedly kept Minnelli locked in their apartment, even though "she wanted to come out to shoot." The "neat freak" also ordered a female member of the VH1 crew to stick her head in an oven to look for dirt, demanded that the network pay for drapery cleanings, and made all production assistants "take off their shoes and wear surgical booties inside the apartment."

Citing "lack of cooperation," the producers pulled the plug on what easily could have been the most fascinating show since that weird infomercial spotlighting the two twin midgets who sell real estate.

Now, all I have to say is VH1, what the FAWK are you thinking?!? You had a virtual pot of gold in your hands, and you just threw it away! Okay so this David Gest guy is a tad bit eccentric. Maybe he tweezes his eyebrows a smidge too much, and maybe his skin looks like a coating of wood lacquer. And YES, maybe he likes to keep a tidy home! But this is one reality show that could've blown The Osbournes right out of the water!

Am I crazy here? Am I the only person who saw the video footage from Liza and David's wedding? It was practically baroque in its grotesqueness! Michael Jackson looking like a burn victim from a different star system? The increasingly rotund and forgetful Elizabeth Taylor stalling the wedding because she accidentally arrived dressed in house slippers? And best of all, David "I'll Prove I'm Not Gay" Gest slamming his tongue down Minnelli's throat like he was dumping in a bucket of electric eels? That is what's known as STAR POWER, assholes! And you'd do well to remember it!

So this is what I'm going to do: I'm going to close my eyes and count to 10. Then, when I open my eyes, I will see that VH1 has apologized to David Gest, cleaned his drapes, and resumed production on what will undoubtedly be the greatest show of all time! And if not, YOU, my fine VH1 sirs, will find my FOOT up your ASS! (That is, as soon as I locate my surgical booties.)