Jeremy Eaton
Joe Spoiler Alert!

You know me, right? During the first five minutes of The Sixth Sense, I was the guy in the crowded theater that yelled out, "Hey! That Bruce Willis dude is DEAD!" Yep, that was me--and it's also me who's about to ruin the ending of the Fox show Joe Millionaire (Mondays, 9 pm). So at this point, you can stay or go, but it's going to take a herd of hookers carrying backpacks of coke to stop me.

Still there? HA! I knew it. Okay, so as we know, Joe Millionaire is about this supposed rich guy (Evan Marriott) choosing between 20 single gals to find one lady who's not out for his dough-re-mi. What's the catch? "Joe Millionaire" isn't a millionaire at all; he's a poor construction worker. So in the last episode, he's going to confess, and the lucky lady will either (a) say, "Oh, Evan. I care not for your riches. I only want to be porked on your bulldozer, you brutish slice of ham." Or (b) knock Evan into next week, while suing Fox for defamation of character.

However! There's another choice! Some reporters have been snooping into Evan's background, claiming he's an actual millionaire and Fox is pulling some kind of double-cross. This, of course, is the kind of crap that comes from a donkey's bottom hole, and here's why: Rich people send their children to school. And Evan--hunky as he may be--is dumber than a tin of sardines.

But! These misguided reporters aren't completely wrong. Fox is pulling a double-cross, but it's not what people less intelligent than me expect. Therefore, for those who REALLY WANT TO KNOW, I shall hereby expose once and for all the true ending of Joe Millionaire.

Since these girls are natural liars, when Evan tells the winner he's a pauper, she'll put on a happy face and say that thing about being porked on the bulldozer. Then! That stupid tubby butler will pop out and say, "Fox has a surprise for you we're giving Evan a million dollars! So you see now he actually is JOE MILLIONAIRE!"

But wait! The fun isn't over yet! When the winning girl starts screaming, Fox will then pull a double-double-cross, and take all the money away! So then, Evan and the winner get really pissed, right? Well, don't get mad yet, because in actuality, Fox is only taking the money away from Evan and giving it to the girl! Now she's Jane Millionaire!

Hold on, there's more! Then, the show gets a real twist! The network then takes the money away from the girl, and replaces it with HERPES! After having a good laugh, she receives her own show (entitled Jane Herpes) debuting this fall on Fox! Well, after that things really get weird. Because, as it turns out, Evan isn't really a pauper or a millionaire, he's a KAJILLIONAIRE who decides to buy the Fox network and fire everybody who works there!

But, see, the joke's really on him, because according to Fox, there never was a network--they've been faking it all these years! The X-Files, The Simpsons, Married with Children never existed! Which means, of course, Evan, the winner, and Joe Millionaire are nonexistent as well.

And in a final bizarre twist, the imaginary Fox is the one that gets burned by the viewers who never watched the stupid network anyway--and especially a piece of shit like Joe Millionaire.

Oh. And did I mention I don't even own a TV?