Hump Gone Wild

There's been a lot of chitter-chat saying that Wm.™ Steven Hump-me is against the concept of Girls Gone Wild. Let me state now and for the record that "girls" can go as "wild" as they wish! What I'm concerned about is "Hump" going "broke"!

But let's back up a bit. Anyone who watches television has seen those commercials for the Girls Gone Wild DVDs and videotapes. They start off with a huge banner screaming, "WARNING! Not suitable for viewers under 18!" (This is code for "Hey, 14-year-olds! Get ready to masturbate!") The commercials then show clip after clip of bouncy college gals lifting their shirts and wagging their mammaries. Not to worry, though--a "censored" banner covers the naughty bits.

Now, I'd like to offer a transcript of what the announcer is saying, but I can't because I'm always hypnotically transfixed by the undulating ta-tas. But I assume he's defending the right of every "girl" to go "wild." And you know what? I agree! "Girls" should be allowed to go as "wild" as they please however! I am concerned that "girls" are limiting their "wild" options. I mean, how come "going wild" only involves lifting up one's shirt and French-kissing one's sorority sister?

But here's the biggest problem: The guy who invented the Girls Gone Wild franchise is now worth millions of dollars!! And the way I see it, some of that money should be going to ME! Now, I'm not suggesting I'm going to outright steal his idea--I'm just saying I'm planning on "expanding on its potential" by coming out with a few DVDs of my own. For example

Girls Gone Annoyed!--Look out, fellas! Whether you're making snide comments about her mother or returning late from drinking with the boys, you've NEVER seen girls gone annoyed like this! Don't miss a second of the eye-rolling, foot-stomping, and door-slamming fun!

Girls Gone Shopping!--Owww! That's right, boys. Over six solid hours of beautiful, gorgeous coeds standing in a single store, unable to decide between two pairs of shoes!

And don't worry, ladies! We haven't forgotten about YOU!

• Introducing Boys Gone Domestic!--Check it out, girls! Tons of hunky boys who are off the couch and vacuuming under your feet. You've never seen boys going domestic like this: picking up underwear, scrubbing the tub, and--get this--exclusive footage of a real boy standing at the sink, washing an actual dish!

Now that's what I call "wild."