Jeremy Eaton
How Dumb Am You?

Well, whoop-dee-doo! You think you're pretty goddamn smart, don't ya? Brainy McBrainerson! Cerebellum McCerebellumson! Well, I've got some news for YOU, Monsieur Throbby McBrainpan--it's time to put your smarts where your mouth is! On Friday, April 11, at 8:00 p.m., the most intelligent TV network ever invented by man (Fox) is broadcasting a two-hour special oh-so-wisely entitled Test the Nation. And I'm really, really excited by this show, because it gives viewers at home a chance to test their own intelligence, via the "World Web Intranet" on their home compooters!

Oh, I know what YOU'RE saying: "Gosh, Humpy! You know, I think I'm busy Friday night. I've got a Mensa meeting that evening, and the special guest speaker will be Stephen Hawking, who's giving a lecture on how to mainline ginkgo biloba." Oh, yeah? Well, that's a bunch of bull bottom-droppings! The truth is that you're CHICKEN and likewise AFRAID that you will be exposed for the un-smart faker you are by the sagacious, brilliant, and professorial host of Test the Nation, Leeza Gibbons!

That's right. LEEZA MOTHERFAWKING GIBBONS. You may remember her from a little entertainment news/tabloid show called Extra? Well, now she's hosting Test the Nation--a far more compatible program for someone of her advanced intellectuality. And Leeza Gibbons is going to bust a mental cap in your ass, yo! She's going to ask you questions, and after you answer them on your compooter, Leeza Gibbons will inform you of how dumb you am!

BUT WAIT! The cognitive agony doesn't end there! Leeza Gibbons will then use her ever-so-shrewdish astuteness to ascertain how your mental retardation stacks up with those taking the quiz across the country. For example, we'll learn the answers to these questions: Is the brunette really smarter than the blonde? Is the erudite New Yorker really brainier than the simple Appalachian hillbilly? Does the rebellious bong-huffing teen actually know more than the oppressive know-it-all adult, who for some mysterious reason refuses to acknowledge that Sum 41 rocks the kidneys out of your ass, while R.E.M. is "dead people's music"?

What's wrong, Little Miss Alberta Einstein? SCARED?? Well, you should be. However! Never let it be said that the Humpy-Dump doesn't watch out for your ass. That's why I've decided to "warm you up" with a short intelligence-testing quiz.

Question! Which of the following does not fit with the others: (a) Chair, (b) Table, (c) Lamp, (d) Leeza Gibbons.

Answer! Naturally, the answer is (c) Lamp. When Leeza is anchoring Extra, she needs a chair, a table, AND THAT'S IT. Lamps are for people like that dumb bitch Deborah Norville over at Inside Edition.

OKAY, PENCILS DOWN! If you answered the above question correctly you have the sort of brilliance exhibited by such braintastic thinkers as Newton, Copernicus, and Gibbons. CONGRATULATIONS! And if by some embarrassing turn of events you answered the above question incorrectly well, the world always needs people to wash Leeza Gibbons' car.